Archive for September, 2009

The end of the fight is not the end but the beginning.

I stopped fighting.

Since I was very young, I’ve always been fighting. First against stress, than against a (never formally acknowledged, but seen in retrospect) depression, against all the sadness I felt (I was never good at crying), against the grief about the death of my sister, for relationships that were not good for me but that I kept going anyway, for feeling better and coming out of my burn0ut.

The last couple of months I’ve been fighting to regain my sexuality, to get back that sense of wanting, of needing, sex. But I don’t. I don’t want sex with men at the moment, which also means I don’t want sex with the boyfriend. Although girls are way more interesting sexually, I don’t feel like going all the way with them either. I just don’t feel that  sexual.

I don’t fight any more. I feel what I feel, and at this moment my feelings are quite a-sexual. I get aroused sometimes, but more often than not when I am alone and safe in my own bed. I sometimes do want sex, but that is usually a short lasting feeling. I want intimacy and kissing and cuddling and stroking and touching and bdsm-ish things, both with the boyfriend and with girls, but I don’t have the want or need to take their panties/boxers of, just as I don’t have the want or need to allow them to get into mine.

And that is all completely fine and accepted by me.


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My pms has been mentioned a few times on this blog.  I just found this post about PMDD (the official acronym for PMS), which shows someone else’s personal  struggle with PMS.  And it provides some feminist perspective too.

I am not officially diagnosed by the way, but I can clearly relate to the author of the blog. And it is not only unhandy at work/uni, but also with other people in my environment. My aunt still doesn’t take PMS seriously, thinks that you just have to control yourself better when you have PMS, and that often it is just whining and exaggeration. The asshole ex did not believe in PMS, and thought similar things. Extra awareness is quite necessary, or so it seems…

But some chocolate usually helps, of course...

But sometimes chocolate helps 😉

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The need of a bigger place to call home.

I feel restrained.

I’m sitting in my room, the boyfriend is here too, and because of the little space here, we both have to sit on the couch. Sitting at the desk is no option, because the space under the desk is used as storage. I can;t sit the way I want, I can’t work the way I want, I can’t meditate (that’s impossible for me when someone else is in the room), I can’t write (the  reason I usually don’t blog when I’m with the boyfriend), I can’t have “self-time”, I can’t focus on purely me. But it can’t be helped, it can’t be changed.

I need a bigger place, with at least two rooms. Hopefully I can get something before christmas, because then the boyfriend will come over for more than a week (from Christmas until a few days after new years eve). It would solve all the problems mentioned above, plus it would give me an oppurtunity to make a place completely mine, to really create a home, which would benefit my peace of mind in many ways.

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One sign I haven’t done much bdsm lately:

Yesterday I went to the first meeting of the meditation-course I’m doing. The teacher showed us several positions to meditate in, like the lotus position, or the kneeling meditation position. In the past, when I subbed almost every weekend, I did a lot of kneeling. Clearly, this had been a while, since this position now started to hurt relatively soon, while in the past I could sit like that for at least 15 minutes without any real discomfort.

Instead of using a meditation bench, I’m going to train the kneeling position.  Kill two birds with one stone 😉

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Update on poly.

On Friday I went to the sexologist, and we did not have much to talk about. Basically, as you could read in my last post about sex, things are going into the right direction.

We also talked a bit about poly stuff, which I do not feel is really necessary (I have figured out on my own what I want there, and don’t need therapy for that), but we had to fill the time. Here progress has been made as well. There is going to be a Bi-con in my town in a few weeks. I already planned on going there, and I asked the boyfriend a while ago if it was okay if I kissed girls while I was at the Saturday-night party (called the Baffling Barbarian Bisexual Ball *facepalm*). He had to think about it for a while, but he told me I could do all that feels right for me. I probably won’t go any further than a bit of kissing and fondling, if such things even happen, but the feeling that I could if I wanted to, is extremely nice!

What felt even nicer is that the boyfriend met a friend of mine, whom I’ve been extravagantly flirting with for a while. We had lunch and we had a great time. The boyfriend liked her, and she liked him. She might come to the Bi-con as well, and if she turns out to be the person I kiss, that’s fine too. So, ehm, progress and happiness and such!

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Juice-fast: fail!

What I learned in the past days:
– I love food
– I hate hunger
– vegetable-juices for fasting are disgusting
– hunger makes me nauseous (and the juice did not help)
– hunger makes me only think about food
– three days of hunger decreases your self-control immensely

For that last reason I quit my juice-fast yesterday evening around 20:30. I knew that when I would continue fasting for two more days, I would not be able to control myself anymore and go on a food binge (something I never do). I started with a ricewaffle with low-fat cheese, and have been eating relatively normal ever since. I really really really love food, and I’m never going to do this again. I do not see this as a failure. I tried, and I decided this is not for me.

Just had a few small cinnamon-rolls (out of a package, but they’re pretty good, the boyfriend brought them for me <3, because he knows I love them and they were not there anymore when I wanted to buy some to take home with me, since you can’t buy them here), and a piece of milk chocolate with caramelized almonds and seasalt. And soon I’m going to have a nice cup of coffee *happy me*

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Update on sex.

When I’m with the boyfriend, I tend to dream about sex. Not necessarily about sex with him, but sex nonetheless. Apparently some part of me strongly associates the boyfriend with sex, and that’s a good thing.

Also, I actively try to not think ahead when we kiss or when he strokes my back or hair. I try just to enjoy the moment, focus on that, instead of thinking “Now he might want more. Do I want more? Maybe I don’t, so I shoudl stop this. But now it’s still nice, so maybe I shouldn’t…” on and on and on, until I’m really not in the mood anymore, and break off what we were doing. Usually quite rudely (something I have to work on as well).

gummy bear kiss 3

gummy bear kiss ❤

This strategy worked quite well last weekend when the boyfriend was at my place. We had many nice kisses and snuggles (even a spanking), and sex did not seem to be a large issue. We just had a good time together, which is another good thing. Hopefully it’s similar next time he is at my place, in a bit more than one week (that soon already, yay!).

Also, this afternoon I’m going to the sexologist, and I really don’t know what to talk about. That’s a good thing too, I suppose XD.

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