Archive for March, 2009

*muh* gained weight

Since there is no scale at the boyfriends place, I weighed myself today. Gained. 77,8kg (171,5lb). Probably caused by having this somewhat different eating pattern when I’m at his place, eating more sweet stuff on bread, and eating more fat. Not nice.

I know I brought and bring the weight gain upon myself, but it makes me feel so hopeless when I’m trying so hard (with the occasional slip, especially when I’m not in my home environment), cutting out all chocolate for example, and no unhealthy snacks anymore, that it is apparently not enough.

I’m off to do grocery-shopping now, to get myself healthy stuff to get me through the week… *muh*

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Our first real fight

My psychologist had given me the assignment that every time when I would feel the pain in my chest, I would have to write it down (what, when, where, basically) and focus on the feeling when there was time.

I usually think assignments like that are a very good idea, but I’m not that good at actually doing them. Usually I don’t have a notebook at hand at crucial moments, and when I have I postpone the writing to later, and  so stuff never gets done.  What made that worse, was that I noticed I will get hat specific feeling when the thought of the assignments comes up. That made it feel as not very useful. Of course, when I think of it, there is focussing of some sort going on, so of course I’ll feel that pain than.

But a few nights ago that was different. The boyfriend and I had a fight. A real one.  One that made me shut off my emotions and feelings entirely, and that had not happened at such a scale for months. He felt his thoughts and emotions were not taken seriously, and I felt the same. It was just too much, and the pain was there. It actually made sense, because it seems quite logical there is a sense/fear of rejection when you are in a fight with your loved one. I tried focussing on it, breathing towards it, but it kept slipping away, just as all my other emotions. Sadness and anger where the only two left behind, and when the latter one also subsided, I just felt sad and very, very tired.

Today, two days after that evening, we also had a difficult talk, basically about the same problem. He feels hurt and anger and shame and  rejection and probably many other things because of my inability to have sex with him. I understand it must be very difficult for him, but comforting him is even much, much harder when dealing with similar pains with the same cause myself. And I work so hard to get over them, but he  of course, can’t directly see that; effects take time. When I tried to tell him that, I cried. That has only happened once or twice before in his presence (in the whole 7 months we are together now), so that was quite special. Now we both feel much better.

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The past few days

On Monday I went to the dietitian for the first time. She is a nice, elderly women, who works from a physiotherapy-gym two minutes walking distance from my home. Basically, I’m doing it right. I have been a vegetarien for 12 years now, and I know quite well what to eat and what not. And I know what stuff belongs in a healthy diet and what not. I just don’t always abide by that (which probably resulted in me gaining weight). But when I am trying to eat healthy, I should take care I’m not eating too much fat cheese. The problem is, being a vegetarian, makes me eat mosly cheese on bread and also in meals. And low fat cheese is not only more expensive than fat cheese, it also tastes like plastic… I hope I can find good tasting low fat cheese, or else use things like “boursin” (the cheap, brandless version), cheese-spread or veggies.

Yesterday I spend another visit to my sexologist. We talked more about my past, about my family (the basic stuff, who is my father, my mother, my siblings and how is my relationship with them) and about my “sexual history” (the details of which deserve a post of their own). Next week I’ll go again and by then she will have reviewed all things and come up with a small treatment-plan. I am quite curious about that, also about the time-frame she is thinking about. I hope to have my sexual issues solved mostly by summer, and I hope thinks along the same lines.

At this moment I am at my the boyfriends place, until Monday. It always feels like I’m on vacation when I am here. The whole environment is different, the food is different, the people speak a different language. I love the city he lives in. It is old and pretty and the have all kinds of nice restaurants and cafe’s and nice shops. And hopefully I’ll find out tomorrow if the swimmingpool and sauna-complex is as nice as it seems on their website.

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Me and my weight

Last week I put new batteries in my scale and weighed myself. The last time I did that had been three weeks before at my parents place, and before that it had been a while. At my parents place I weighed about 77kg (169,8lb), and now that number had suddenly turned into 80kg (176,4lb). In just three weeks! Without doing really weird stuff too…

That made me decide to cut the crap and really do something to start losing weight. I cut out chocolate and candy, and I already ate healthy so I’m just continuing doing that. And more fruit, I eat more fruit now. Instead of one piece a day, I now try to have at least two.

Today I my scale told me I weighed 77,2kg (170,2lb). Probably some of the weight of last week was also because I was about to have my period (that makes a difference of a kilo or 2 for me), but I like to credit myself a bit as well. Go me!

My goal is to get to 70kg(154,3lb) (which is quite a nice weight for someone 1,66m (5’4”)) and I’ll also go to a dietitian soon to get some extra perspective on my eating habits and such. And to have some extra “motivation” to really continue putting an effort into this, instead of quitting when I’m sick of it.

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For the first time to the sexologist

She got points for having the same first name as one of my best friends. And for having my style of clothing. And of course, for having the profession she has, because sexologists are cool, just because.

First appointments (this on took place last Tuesday) with therapist-like-persons always involve a lot of talking and not much action. I really like that stage: someone who just asks you all kinds of questions about your life, and the answers do not have any consequences. Yet 😉

She asked me about the sex-related problem I have (of which I’ll say a bit more later on), about my relationship with the boyfriend (“uhm… it’s very loving?” and exciting and intellectually challenging and everything just seems to fit), about what I like most and like least about my body (most: boobs, back, eyes and hair; least: thighs), if I was able to have an orgasm if I wanted to (“you mean at will?” ;)), and about what I’m doing with my psychologist. I mentioned a tiny little thing about bdsm, and she seemed very accepting and non-judging. The thing I was afraid of, that she would throw my orgasm-rule (I have to ask the boyfriend for permission before I have an orgasm) out of the window, but she confirmed that is it important tto still have that, while the rest of the bdsm-part of our relationship is pretty much standing still.

The main problem why I’m seeing her, is that while I always used to have a huge sex-drive, my “need” to have sex, seems to have left me almost completely. This probably has to do with bad experiences from the past (at least 2 ex-boyfriends have done relatively little non-consensual things, which left me quiet damaged), and it results now in me thinking way too much when a sexual act is about to happen between me and the boyfriend (who has done nothing wrong, I may add). I start thinking “do I really want this?”, “am I not only doing it for him?”, “will it still feel good afterwards”, and similar thoughts. As you might guess, that really kills all sexual appetite. Also partly because of the “bad” boyfriends, I also have some trust-issues, which make bdsm (as a submissive) quite difficult.

Next time we’ll talk about my sexual education and how sex is treated and discussed in my family and about my sexual history. That promises to be interesting…

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To the psychologist

This morning I first went to the doctor to get a referral for a dietitian to help me lose weight. Because  had about 1,5 hour left before my psychologist appointment, I tried to find coffee place that was open. I failed miserably, and got to my appointment 30 minutes too early. I did get coffee while waiting though.

It was the third time I went to see my psychologist, after a period of no visits for half a year. I had been seeing her from January 2008 until September of that same year, until the problems of that time seemed to have gone. Unfortunately they came back, so one year later  I’m back again.

Especially in the beginning I also felt extremely annoyed and not accepted by my therapist. I think that came from the fact that she sometimes seems to push me into directions of where my problems come from (according to her: the fact my parents, who had a long distance relationship, broke up when I was two years old, and I felt extremely left behind at that time, which I could not deal with because of my age, and so I developed coping strategies, which are not that beneficial for me any more now. Exactly the opposite, actually), and also because she seemed annoyed with me not having the grand overview of what my problems were all about. I might have just misinterpreted stuff, but it really bothered me the first part of today’s session, but it got a lot better after I had said this aloud.

The main part of the time consisted of me actually trying to feel my (negative) emotions. We do a lot of bodily-therapy-like things,  because I feel many of my emotions in a very physical way. This time it was about bad feelings I have in a certain class I’m following at the moment; in the end it turned out I felt mostly rejected, which manifested itself into a pain somewhere around my breastbone. And of course my everlasting sadness which resides somewhere in the back of my throat, wanted attention too. Yes, I do personify my feelings somewhat 😉 (Fear of) rejection seems to be a quite central issue, so we will be focussing on that a bit more.

Since I won’t be seeing her for a bit more than two weeks now, I got “homework”. I have to note when I get that chest-pain again and in what situations. When I have time (at that exact moment or later that day) I have to focus on that feeling again, just as we did today.

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Start of a new beginning

I am a nuclear rainbow. My emotions are ever changing, and they make my mind and my feelings into my own personal battlefield. I’m in the last year-and-a-half of my studies, looking at the black hole that awaits me when I’m done. I deal with problems with my sexuality, which started out very large and real years ago, but has no shrunken into a very little thing which is hiding in the cupboard.  On top of that I’m just 1.66m tall and I weigh 80kg. Even I can see that’s a bit too much, so I’m also trying to lose weight.

My life is changing, and change should be noticed and recorded for future reference. And to think “wow, I’ve really come a long way”, hopefully, every once in a while. In a ongoing process, change comes slowly, sometimes so slow that progress is not seen. This blog is here to make the unseen change visible.

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