Archive for June, 2009

Festival ramblings

I’m travelling home from the boyfriend (edit: ok, I’m home now, but I was on my way when writing this ;)). One of my trains had a slight delay, but because of my tight schedule, that originally lead to a delay of arrival-time in the town where I live of two hours. I managed to decrease that to an arrival one hour later than planned. Still, it’s no perfect ending to an almost perfect little week with the boyfriend.

We met friends of his, that I like a lot as well. We went to the swimmingpool (the plan was the sauna, but that was females only on mondays… not nice! but the pool was very relaxing too). We ate sushi at a nice restaurant, drank cocktails at another place. I made amazingly nice carrot-orange soup for him, and he cooked extremely good rice with baked turkey and manderin-thyme-creamsauce for me. But most importantly we went to a two day metal festival: the first time we were at a multiple day festival as a couple, and the first time we saw one of our favourite bands live together.

Being at the festival together-together took a little adjustment from me. The first two times I went to a festival (the summers of my 18th and 19th year, both years the same event) I went with my then boyfriend, and the huge amounts of (drunk) men scared me, so I never wanted to go anywhere alone without them, or anyone else we had in our small party. I also wasn’t into metal that much, so most of the bands did not matter much to me. Actually, looking back, there were no bands I would have minded not seeing. I went there because I liked the music in general, because my partners liked it, and probably because I liked the idea of going to a festival.

When I went that same festival again, I was 21 and I terribly regretted not going to the festival the year in between. In the time between the festival in my 19th and 21st year the asshole ex had broken up with me, I had become stronger, more self-aware, and I had met an amazing group of friends: my metal friends, who call themselves Heerschers. We rented a bus with our whole group, since the festival is quite long drive, and the whole festival-journey seemed like one huge school-trip. Only with better music and more alcohol. Because of the Heerschers and the safe environment they provided, other (male) metalheads didn’tt scare me anymore, and it felt amazing just walking there by myself, just being there. I had an amazing time, also because I had gotten way more into metal than before, and loved seeing certain bands.

The year thereafter, 2008, was the year I met the boyfriend and fell in love with him (technically I met him there for the 2nd time, but that is something for another time). Although we spent most of the festival together, I still had this since of ultimate freedom. To return to the here and now: the freedom had to be redifined this year, because of being with a boyfriend and because it was just the two of us and not a larger group. One of the things I always love at festivals are conversations with random strangers. Sometimes just about the bands playing or the weather, sometimes making weird jokes, sometimes unexpected deep talks. That is just more difficult with only your partner there, because talking to someone else very easily means somewhat “abandoning” the partner, especially if you are the more extravert of the couple. And I am very extravert, when I’m in the mood. Being a women, a minority group at a metal festival where at least 75% is male, also makes it very easy to be talked to by strangers, but being talked to for the reason of gender only is also something not very nice for the said partner. It happened that guys just started talking to me (another very likely topic: where you’re from and how long the travelling took), and they completely ignored the boyfriend. Com-ple-te-ly. After a little while (after getting back to our tents on the first day, I would say) we got into a rythm of how we both felt comfortable, and everything went quite smoothly from then on. I even got an unexpected kiss on the cheek from a strange guy for saying I did not like a certain band, which the boyfriend did not really like, but did not mind either (especially because it was really unexpected, and I probably couldn’t have done anything to prevent it). And there was some nice talk with a German guy and later on with someone from New Zealand.

So I enjoyed myself immensely and had lots of opportunity to relax the past days, before the moving and the start of my master thesis this week.

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News in the girl-department.

Yesterday I spent with my metal-friends, outside the gates of a one day metal-festival in the city where I live. They’re amazing people. I have known most of them for three years now, with some of them I went on a one week holiday two years ago, and we spent lots of concerts, festivals and random days, evenings and nights together. Usually there’s bbq-ing involved, and this time was no different, and since I am only a part-time vegetarian now and they did not know about that recent change yet, I managed to shock them a bit by eating meat. How nice 😛 There was also mead and rum and coke (and beer, but I passed on that, two kinds of alcohol seemed enough for me), so soberness was sort of out of the question.

We were not alone there, of course, there were metalheads all over the place. I saw a girl again I had met about two and a half years before, and that I had had quite a crush on. She was studying psychology as well, only a few years lower than me, so we met each other occasionally. Nothing ever happened, because she had a boyfriend and because I was not sure she was into girls at all. The past year I had not seen her, because she switched studies to “molecular life sciences”. We talked, and apparently her boyfriend had cheated on her a few months before and she had broke up with him because of that. And I learned she would like to experience with girls, but never had the change because her former boyfriend did not want her too. And I got her phone-number. Yay for me!

At home again I talked with the boyfriend over the phone. I told him about the girl mentioned above, and also that I had talked with another girl as well. And he asked me if I had asked her phone number as well. No, I hadn’t, also because that seemed too much like flirting to me (with the other girl it felt different, because I had known her for longer, and just a friendship would be fine with me too, but you do need to be able to get in touch for that). He told me he was okay with that, with me asking girls for their phone-number, with a bit of flirting. As long as I don’t start long cuddle sessions or deep kisses, getting to know girls a bit is fine. He really wants me to find a nice girl to do “nice” stuff with.

The boyfriend is really amazing. He gives me tiny bits of freedom, one bit at the time, and I am really grateful for that. He just started a blog too by, to express his ideas and feelings and thoughts about the road we’re travelling. So, you can now also read the other side.

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The “what’s my kink?” discovering phase all over again

I’ve been into bdsm for about 6 years now, and I always knew where my kinks lay, what I wanted, what I liked and disliked, what I wanted in my bdsm-relationship.  Most of the time quite specific, but at least approximate.

The past year that has changed. I developed a short interest in Daddydom and agepay, which was not very long-lived but quite intense. I started liking different kinds of pain: from preferring “thud” pain, to liking “sting” pain even more, in some situations. I did the whole capital-letters thing I always despised with someone (“to someone” might be a more accurate description), and now I am reluctant to do that again. Where I always had wanted a normal relationship with some D/s-ish elements, I now wanted something 24/7 like, and that opinion changed back again to only wanting bdsm “in the bedroom”.  And I realised that being used sexually was not healthy for me at the moment.

At this moment, I just don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t even know what I actually like, especially with the “forced” sex out of the window for the time being, if not for ever. That used to be one of my major kinks in bdsm: really being “taken” sexually, being “forced” to give blowjobs. It was play, but it also was submission in a very intense way: giving my body for the pleasure of the other, because that was my ultimate goal.

I do know I like to be spanked. That is something the boyfriend can do to me relatively easily, and we both really enjoy it. I also think I know I like rope bondage, also one of my major kinks “in the old days”, which I never was able to really get into, because of only having partners who were quite inexperienced with rope. One things that really attracts me at the moment is being wrapped in plastic foil. I have done it before, years and years ago, with the asshole ex, and I don’t remember much except that it was really cold after I was unfoiled again. In my mind it is something very cosy and warm and safe, and it makes me helpless and dependent. A very attractive thought. Any other things or acts, kinds of pain, whips, restrains, random bdsm scenario’s, I would not know if I would like them. Not at all. Regardless if I have done similar stuff before, it doesn’t seem I can trust in my past experiences in likes and dislikes.

So I have to do soulsearching again. And reading. And experimenting. Not bad of course, not bad at all, but I thought I was past that, and now it seems I have to do the whole discovering phase all over again…

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From morning to evening: the rythm of the day.

I used to be a morning person. For years and years I had no problem at all waking up early (around 7am). In he first few years of my studies on university and living on my own, I would often do a bit of studying even before breakfast. And after about 3pm I would be almost completely useless.

Things have changed. Getting out of bed in the morning is quite difficult now, and it takes a lot of effort to really start working; even going downstairs to take a shower takes a lot of mental power. Usually I start doing stuff just before lunch, and also bits and pieces in the afternoon. Very unlike how it was before, I now also usually have a burst of energy around 9pm or even later. Weirdness.

And almost every week, or even every day, I tell myself I’ll change things again. That I’ll wake up and shower immediately and get stuff done before the day really starts up. Maybe I should just accept that my rythm has changed, but I’ll guess I’m not ready for that yet. For now I’ll just keep trying to get my morning working rush back again.

I’m also just plain tired the whole time, but I hope that’ll leave me when I have moved (decrease of stress) and have started on my master thesis and internship.

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Emptying my mind.

My mind was very filled the past week-and-a-half. Lots of talking with the boyfriend about our relationship, plans of moving out of the place where I live now, a weekend to a nice town abroad with my aunt, maybe losing my amazing sexologist; it occupied my mind too much to be able to coherently write about it.

But I’m back from abroad now, and my mind has some empty space left again, so there is room for writing.  I already summarized it in my last post: the boyfriend and I talked a lot about boundaries, and I told him all about my flirtations with a certain person that I still have to find a good blog-name for. Although we did not have very firm boundaries about flirting before, I did cross the line a bit, and the trust which is damaged should be regained again before we take another step on the polyamory road.

We also talked a lot about the power and power-exchange in our relationship. Because of my (sexual) issues, we rarely do bdsm-ish things, although we both want to discover that part of our relationship. For me it is quite difficult to submit to him, and for him it is difficult to know what he can and cannot do. He is a bit too careful, most of the time, although I can’t blame him for that. One of the reasons which make it more difficult for me to submit, is that I seem to have the most power in the vanilla part of our relationship. I usually have a large say in what we are going to do when we’re together,  what we’ll eat, where we’ll go, what movie we’ll watch; I plan everything. It’s usually quite implicit, it’s not that I really boss him around or something, but I seem to have more power than he does. That feels wrong, in some way, to both of us.

So, new stuff to work on. We both really want to D/s-part of our relationship to work, so he’ll try to take some more power in the little things in life, and  I’ll just continue working on healing my sexual side. I’m very happy I can do that with the sexologist I started that with, because I almost lost her due to the company she worked under going  bankrupt. I’ll now visit her in another town, about 45 minutes by train, but I don’t have to change therapists. Yay!

Also, I am going to move this week or the first week of july, since I am completely sick of my landlord and landlady and all their rule-bending and not listening to reason. Not listening at all actually, or only to the things they want to hear. It might be that blogging-silence will occur, the next few weeks, but moving (and going to a metal-festival) seems a valid reason for not writing 😉

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Polyamory: intermission.

There are clear boundaries now. No flirting any more, for the time being, especially not with guys.

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It makes no sense at all.

… and I lost weight again. 1 kg (2,2 lb) to be exact. So now I’m at my lowest weight since I started to actively try to lose some: 75,3 kg ( 166 lb). I would’ve guessed I should have gained weight, because despite my good plans, the past week wasn’t exactly a healthy one, with chocolate cake, apple crumble pie and strawberry muffins.

Well, I give up, I really do. I’ll still try to eat healthy and weigh myself weekly, but I’m not actively going to restrain myself from eating unhealthy (but nice!) food. Fuck it. It apparently is not worth the effort.

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