Posts tagged sex

Life experiments: taken literally!

XKCD is amazing. And can lead to interesting discussions. Remember the comic I posted a week ago?

The boyfriend and I came to the conclusion to an experiment like this scientifically correct, you would need a 3 (gender: male/female/other)X 2 (kinky/not kinky) X 2 (sexual orientation: focused on one gender/focused on more than one) design, with probably some enjoyment scale as a dependent variable.

Just imagine how large the sample size of each group should be to get decent statistical power… Better start fucking, ehm, working on that completely valid and extremely useful science-work!

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Life experiments

I really like the idea of taking an experimental view on life (I am a scientist after all). Trying out something new, a way of eating, sleeping, working, living, to see how it affects me and my life. And then continuing it or not, or just have another interesting experience to remember.

In September last year I tried juicefasting, and failed miserably. Which was not a sad thing, because it made me discover I really really like food, and not eating is really really not good for my mood.

Another example, also in the food department: some months ago I cut out sugar (almost) completely, which worked quite well for me. I was quite grumpy the first week, but I did not really miss the foods and drinks I chose not to eat. It was a positive experience. (I did start eating sugar again, because, well, sugar is nice! and difficult to avoid at times)

There are other things I’d like to try out as well:

  • Not talking for a day or two

And of course, those should be days I don’t spend home alone. Preferably work days even (although I think picking a day without already scheduled meetings might be handy)

  • Eat vegan for a while

Starting with a week or so. Seeing how easy or difficult it really is.

  • Do something creative each day for a week

Should be easy with all the inspirational stuff I see/read/have around, but getting around and actually doing stuff is hard

  • Getting up at 6am for a week or so

To see if that works for me, although it is going to be difficult because of the evening-meetings I tend to have a few times a week, which lead to me going to bed late.

  • No news for a while

No newspapers, no radio, no internet-news-sites. Let’s see how well I hold up, because I do like my daily dose of what’s happening in the world

  • Try out running.

I hate running. I run when I have to catch a bus, I usually say. But I did read a very simple and attractive running-schedule in a magazine I read (actually the only magazine I faithfully buy and read each time it comes out), so maybe I should try it out, to see what all the buzz is about.

  • Do something sexual daily for at least a week.

I do masturbate daily, but some more active attention to sexuality would not hurt, and is probably even very nice and entertaining.

Anyone any other interesting or challenging suggestions?

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Poly development. Or: The lack of a little black book becomes apparent.

Lately the boyfriend and I had a couple of difficult talks. The deadline, of which we talked about before, has been eliminated. We both saw that how we were doings things now, did not have any results. We have not have sex for 17 months, which is very long. And there does not seem to be any progress, which is not for lack of trying from the both of us.

So now I have freedom. Nothing has happened yet, and I don’t know if anything will happen in the near future, because I don’t have many easily available options. Maybe I’ll try to go out more (there seems to be a gay sauna in the neighbourhood, which has mixed evenings every once in a while), maybe I’ll try finding someone online (hmm, changing my OkCupid account to more available might not be a bad idea), maybe I’ll try to meet up with nice guys from the past (although their number is very small, and the nicest candidate turned monogamous, sadly enough).

Anyone any tips on increasing the size of my little black book?

And not just with male options?

got the picture from here, and yeah, the comments are quite offensive and stupid, but the brochure is great!

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Activism yay!

Next year (which starts after summer, counting in study-years) is going to be different. Yesterday I heard I’ll be on the board of the local student union. I was pretty nervous about this, because it is something I really want to do, and there was always the possibility they would have found someone else for the job. But I got it. It is a full time function, and I’ll probably be vice-chair. Next year will therefore be full of working together with amazing people (2 of the 4 other  people on the board I already know, and they’re from our local action committee, that I managed the past 6 months), learning new skills, learning a whole lot more about myself, and loads of activism for the good cause of high quality and widely accessible education. And of course for enough housing for students, a green campus (both in the tree, as in durability), and attention to possible discrimination of minorities.

So for now it is finishing my thesis (the first version is nearing it’s end, and the results are significant, yay!), getting a job for the summer (almost achieved, I’ll have a short interview in 1.5 weeks to be a postman for a month), and finding a nice, small, apartment for just me (hopefully achieved just before summer, which seems doable, since I am high on the list with some apartments I react on). And really putting some effort in becoming sexual again. Writing about sex and bdsm again. And not just writing, although I am certain that will helpt, but also experimenting again, but with and without the boyfriend. Both with women and with men.

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It’s my blog and I can write what I want to.

Where this blog started out to document changes, mainly on the field of sexuality and relationships, and a bit on mental health and physical health, it soon became a place where I also got involved in discussions on feminist topics and reflections on things like postsecret, and the health-part got a bit out of the picture. Lately here was still some on my personal ups and downs, some on bdsm and poly, but the original goal of the blog seems to be lost. This is not problematic to me, it just shows that people evolve over time. But I’d still like to do a recap.

Compared to a year ago:

  • … I haven’t lost weight (lost it and gained it over time, and now want to lose it again).
  • … the boyfriend and I are still not having sex, although there is more intimacy, and lots more fun in the whole thing.
  • … there is more bdsm between, although this process is slow as well. There are several problems that need to be overcome, which mostly have to do with trust.
  • … I am way more stable, both in stress as in emotions, although there are still highs and lows of cours.
  • … there has been huge progress on the poly part. Where our relationship first was monogamous, we are now semi-polyamoureus, with me being allowed to persue girls. There even was some bdsm with not even one, not two, but three someone elses. Although that part is still quite difficult for the boyfriend.

It’s the beginning of spring. The time of year to start anew. On to new things, new experiences!

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Poly plans.

If you have read my last post, you know I am very busy with the free/restricted dichotomy. This also extended itself to my relationship. I wanted more freedom! Sex with women, but mostly sex with men! Because that was the one thing that I could not do, and that was very difficult for me.

It was a boundary from the boyfriend, and a boundary I did follow, but one that even after a few months did not feel right to me. Especially after I realised more and more that if I would start a new relationship right now, I would never consent to monogamy. I don’t want to discriminate between who I like and might  want to be intimate on the base of sex or gender: I want to do that on the base of who I like and/or find attractive or not.

Besides wanting to feel freedom, there was also something else connected to the “sex with other men”-thing. The boyfriend and I have not had sex (as in ‘fucking’) since January 2009. Yes, that means we did not have sex for 16 months now. We ware progressing, but we’re moving very slow, especially when you count in the fact that my libido has quote returned since a couple of weeks. There is still much fear left, but also lots of habit. I reasoned that with someone else, someone I trust and probably had slept with before, that would be easier to break through. Also, when it did not go well, it would not immediately have an impact on the relationship between the boyfriend and me, but if the experience was positive it would probably be easier to cross that boundary with the boyfriend as well.

The boyfriend had a different reasoning, which is also part of him having problems with me having sex with other men. He feels that when I have sex with someone else, sex will become something I do with others and not with him, and thus make it more difficult to have sex with him again. The complete opposite of my reasoning, as you can see.

I wanted a deadline. I don’t want to be in a gender-monogamous relationship, nor do I want to go over the boyfriend’s boundaries, since he is very important to me. There was clearly a problem there. So we got ourselves a deadline for when we go over from ‘his plan’ to ‘my plan’ (after thorough discussion of course, which might lead to a completely different plan altogether) really was necessary for me to feel some space ans calm of mind again. It is set at august 2010. Now I know when I can (sort of) expect things to change. And until then we are going to try even harder to get everything sexual to work between us again.

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Posted for truth

And this is probably also one of the reasons why sex with the boyfriend has gotten more and more difficult over the months. By not having sex, and by having issues over having sex, it has gotten Serious. And sex should be fun, and light and enjoyable.

Sometimes we get the spirit back. When he was counting my boobs (he got to 20 or something: *touching left boob* one, *touching right boob* two, *touching left boob* three, *touching right boob* four, etcetera). He turned out to have three penises 😉

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