Archive for December, 2009

Reflections on postsecret

When I discovered it I don’t know, but I do know that I have been loving the idea since the very first time I set eyes on it. The boyfriend and me always check the site together on sundays, it’s our little tradition. And maybe this will be a new one, since this week I noticed many gender-ish (my own word for things that are in some way related to genderstudies, feminism or LGBT) postcards, on which I’m about to give my reflections. When time allows it, this might become a weekly feature, when gender-ish postcards present themselves.

The boyfriend could have sended this one in. He once exclaimed to me that he had a severe lack of gay friends, and just when he thought a girl in his circle of friends and acquintences was a gay, she got a boyfriend. Come to think of it, I don’t have many gay friends either. Just one, I think. A lot of bisexual friends though, and a few gay acquintances, but only one in my closer circle of friends, and I don’t see him that often anymore. Probably because the main “scenes” I hang out in are the metal-scene (where homosexuality is not that accepted, weirdly enough, if you consider all the gay/leather symbolism) and the bdsm-scene, where gay and straight people (+ female bisexuals) don’t mingle that much.

I find this an amazingly stupid and hurtful excuse. Of course, I don’t know the background of this card, but it seems to me that any violation of someone’s physical privacy cannot be excused by a lame reason like “yeah, puberty was weird”, which implicitly says “I could not help it, so you can’t blame me” . It feels as the same kind excuse that the asshole-ex used after our relationship, for forcing me to do sexual things I did not want (and went over my boundaries): “I did not know how the power relations in our relationship worked any more”. Use your brain to think, and not your penis, dammit.

Since when are daughters less important than sons? Well, of course, for ages and ages that has been the general idea, but you would say that in this day and age, especially in the western world, people would not be this ignorant. If that guy was my father, I’m not sure if  I still wanted him to be my father any more, since apparently I am not valued, because of my gender.

Secrets like these last two, really show that this feminism still has quite some way to go. And there were even more, like this one, and this one.



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2009 Wrap up

What happened in 2009? What were the changes, the significant events, the goals for next year?


The relationship with my mom stayed the same, good as ever, and the bond with my dad grew a bit stronger, which was a welcome change. He also started to feel happier this year, which is an extremely good thing, after years of being somewhat depressed.

My grandparents moved into a apartment close to a home for elderly this year, after my grandmother had months of being in and out of the hospital. They are really getting old now, not going outside any more, and memory slowly going backwards. Which is not that strange, since they are 88 and 89 years old. It’s already an amazing achievement they managed to live by themselves for all these years.

I also started to get along with my aunt better. She is quite judgemental, which is difficult to deal with sometimes, but I manage to ignore that more and more, and focus on her good sides. We had an amazing weekend in Edinbrough, nicer than most of our weekends away in preceding years.


I met a lot of new people this year. Some of which I will probably grow closer to and develop a good friendship with in the next year, and some of which will stay at the borders of my life. My old friendships did not get as much attention as I would have liked. One of my friends moved away to another city in the end of 2008, so I saw way less of her than in the years before, and the other ‘university’-friends I also saw less, mostly due to busy schedules on my side. The same goes for my metalfriends. I’m extremely happy I’ll celebrate new year’s eve with them, because I missed them lots the past year.


I started on my master thesis this year, with a very interesting topic: media-influences on gender stereotypes. Everything is going as planned until now, but joining a action-platform against the reducing of funding by the government for education in general and students in particular, will probably cause slight delay next year.

This year I also started more new work-like volunteer things than ever before: I joined the editorial board for a magazine on gender en feminism, and wrote a few pieces for them as well (first time being published, yay!), I became a ticket-control-person for a music venue (best secondary benefits ever: always going to concerts for free, and more than 50% discount on drinks), and on the verge of this year I also started an internet-forum about bisexuality (which might even broaden itself to the topic of all ‘deviant’ kinds of sexuality and relationships).


Still together with the boyfriend. There were some problems around the summer, but we solved them, and now we’re better than ever. And our future plans are getting more and more shape. Our relationship also became a bit more open this year, on our way to something more polyamourous. I also had a few crushes, and kissed a girl. Or two XD Nothing really substantial came from that, relationshipwise, but it was quite note-worthy nevertheless.


I wanted to start meditating more this year, so I recently did a short course, which was quite nice. I still don’t do it as often as I would like though… Also, I joined a internet-forum which has a down to earth view on spirituality to have some extra primer to muse on certain things. I’d like to get more into some non-fuzzy paganism, I think. Living closer to nature really appeals to me, especially foodwise, but also just in having more attention to the cycles of the seasons.


I got more into medieval stuff, although I can’t name any bands, it’s more the style in general that really started to appeal to me. No new bands discovered this year, although I did get more into Sabaton, Turisas and Kate Nash than before.

My favourite performance of this year was Anathema, in my “own” venue. That concert kicked ass. They played all the favourites, came back twice after leaving, and the atmosphere was amazing.


Relatively non-existent this year. I have never gone this long without intercourse since my first time at 16. This year I acknowledged I was raped by my ex-boyfriend Viking, and I started a very slow healing process, to heal all the hurt that was caused when people stepped over my boundaries. Bdsm came a bit back into my life, although it is still nowhere as important as it used to be. There are still a lot of fears to be conquered before all goes well in that area again.

Stuff that should be mentioned but did  not fit in any of the other categories

– I moved from a very sucky place to a much nicer place. Although it is a bit smaller, my landlord is way nicer than my former landlady. A relatively small change, that affected my life in a very positive sense.

– (Juice)fasting is not nice, and only makes me think about food. I am never going to try that again…

– More food-related stuff: I started eating meat again, after being a vegetarian for 11 years. I missed meat, but especially fish, a lot, and decided that that craving was too large to be ignored. I still don’t eat huge quantities of meat, and usually only when I’m at someone else’s place or at a restaurant.


I don’t really do resolutions, because I try to change stuff if I come across it during the year, not just at one point every 365 days. But well, since it is sort of obligatory:

– more meditation. My goal is to meditate daily (be it 5 minutes or a full hour), to be achieved before summer.

– paying more attention to my energy-level. I tend to overdo it, because there are so many amazing people and nice things to do in life. This goal is best operationalized as more time for myself without having to have to do stuff: each week, one day without appointments (may be a university-day).

– get (more) in touch with my sexual self again: there is some sort of plan now, the Master’s and Johnson approach, but now we (the boyfriend and I) need time and space to actually follow up on this plan. Which makes it very much connected with the goal before this one: more time for myself is more space in my head is more room for my sexuality

– Write more, for self-reflection, for my dairy, for my blog, poetry, stories, etc. No clear operationalized goal or deadline here, since that will decrease my creativity more than it will benefit from that.

– Spend less time behind the computer and read more, and cook/bake more. Which is also related to the energy-level goal, since the interwebs can grab you and take away all your energy. Mwahahaha!

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The top drop

About two weeks ago, the boyfriend and I went to a party again, at the same location as last time. We had a good time, played a little (there were ice cubes between my boob and my shirt and he put a chain between my nipple-piercings, poor nipples), and although I felt submissive at times, I never was deeply subby.

Note: I have not been deeply subby in about two years. A few times I went quite deep when in play, and I did do service-like things, but that was not common and those feelings where relatively rare and short-lived. So, it is not strange that it does not happen to me now, especially because we do not play that often and we both have some problems getting into our ‘roles’ and maintaining them.

So, everything went fine, until he asked me, out of nowhere, to kneel and kiss his boots. I was caught off guard, so my primal response was “No!”. For something like that I need to feel some level of subby-ness, and at that moment that was completely absent, because a little thing with the chained nipples had not gone well a few minutes before. The small issue had been solved, but I was still a bit grumpy (I do need a lot of reassurance when something goes wrong, even when it’s not a very big deal, I blame the asshole ex). My negative answer immediately made the boyfriend doubt himself, completely dropping out of his dominant state of mind that he had been in before. We left soon after, because we had both lost the mood to play or party.

A top drop. The plummeting of emotions into the negative spectrum regarding dominant feelings. Sometimes it entails feeling bad about the stuff the dominant did after the scene, sometimes it happens during a scene. It is difficult to overcome the lessons learned by our society: you do not hit other people, especially not if they are women. Raping, humiliating, using another human being are all Very Bad Things, that Normal People Just Don’t Do. Doing bdsm as a dominant goes against all those lessons, and even though you know you’re doing them with a consenting adult, does not make the bad feelings go away. Also, a top drop can be what the boyfriend experienced: a sudden doubt of the own capabilities as a dominant. Sometimes this follows the feelings as described above, but it can also stand on itself, like in our situation.

I’m not completely sure how to best deal with a partner with a top drop, it depends on how the partners ‘work’ with each other; some might want more physical reassurance (cuddling!) while some need some distant, while others want to talk about it immediately. The boyfriend and me talked about it when sitting in the car, I told him about the term, which helped him a bit, because labelling something shows that others have it too, which usually helps in accepting and moving on. Open communication is the best advise I can give here. As a submissive: tell your dominant you like the things he/she does to you, that it makes you feel good. As a dominant: ask your submissive for his/her feedback, and be open about your feelings.
After all, everyone is human and needs reassurance every once in a while, especially when you’re doing Very Bad Things which also happen to be Very Nice.

Disclaimer: this is all written from personal experience or stories from other. I have not done research on this, although that would be a nice to do. Too bad I would probably not get funds for it…

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