Posts tagged going out

Poly development. Or: The lack of a little black book becomes apparent.

Lately the boyfriend and I had a couple of difficult talks. The deadline, of which we talked about before, has been eliminated. We both saw that how we were doings things now, did not have any results. We have not have sex for 17 months, which is very long. And there does not seem to be any progress, which is not for lack of trying from the both of us.

So now I have freedom. Nothing has happened yet, and I don’t know if anything will happen in the near future, because I don’t have many easily available options. Maybe I’ll try to go out more (there seems to be a gay sauna in the neighbourhood, which has mixed evenings every once in a while), maybe I’ll try finding someone online (hmm, changing my OkCupid account to more available might not be a bad idea), maybe I’ll try to meet up with nice guys from the past (although their number is very small, and the nicest candidate turned monogamous, sadly enough).

Anyone any tips on increasing the size of my little black book?

And not just with male options?

got the picture from here, and yeah, the comments are quite offensive and stupid, but the brochure is great!

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The top drop

About two weeks ago, the boyfriend and I went to a party again, at the same location as last time. We had a good time, played a little (there were ice cubes between my boob and my shirt and he put a chain between my nipple-piercings, poor nipples), and although I felt submissive at times, I never was deeply subby.

Note: I have not been deeply subby in about two years. A few times I went quite deep when in play, and I did do service-like things, but that was not common and those feelings where relatively rare and short-lived. So, it is not strange that it does not happen to me now, especially because we do not play that often and we both have some problems getting into our ‘roles’ and maintaining them.

So, everything went fine, until he asked me, out of nowhere, to kneel and kiss his boots. I was caught off guard, so my primal response was “No!”. For something like that I need to feel some level of subby-ness, and at that moment that was completely absent, because a little thing with the chained nipples had not gone well a few minutes before. The small issue had been solved, but I was still a bit grumpy (I do need a lot of reassurance when something goes wrong, even when it’s not a very big deal, I blame the asshole ex). My negative answer immediately made the boyfriend doubt himself, completely dropping out of his dominant state of mind that he had been in before. We left soon after, because we had both lost the mood to play or party.

A top drop. The plummeting of emotions into the negative spectrum regarding dominant feelings. Sometimes it entails feeling bad about the stuff the dominant did after the scene, sometimes it happens during a scene. It is difficult to overcome the lessons learned by our society: you do not hit other people, especially not if they are women. Raping, humiliating, using another human being are all Very Bad Things, that Normal People Just Don’t Do. Doing bdsm as a dominant goes against all those lessons, and even though you know you’re doing them with a consenting adult, does not make the bad feelings go away. Also, a top drop can be what the boyfriend experienced: a sudden doubt of the own capabilities as a dominant. Sometimes this follows the feelings as described above, but it can also stand on itself, like in our situation.

I’m not completely sure how to best deal with a partner with a top drop, it depends on how the partners ‘work’ with each other; some might want more physical reassurance (cuddling!) while some need some distant, while others want to talk about it immediately. The boyfriend and me talked about it when sitting in the car, I told him about the term, which helped him a bit, because labelling something shows that others have it too, which usually helps in accepting and moving on. Open communication is the best advise I can give here. As a submissive: tell your dominant you like the things he/she does to you, that it makes you feel good. As a dominant: ask your submissive for his/her feedback, and be open about your feelings.
After all, everyone is human and needs reassurance every once in a while, especially when you’re doing Very Bad Things which also happen to be Very Nice.

Disclaimer: this is all written from personal experience or stories from other. I have not done research on this, although that would be a nice to do. Too bad I would probably not get funds for it…

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Update on poly.

On Friday I went to the sexologist, and we did not have much to talk about. Basically, as you could read in my last post about sex, things are going into the right direction.

We also talked a bit about poly stuff, which I do not feel is really necessary (I have figured out on my own what I want there, and don’t need therapy for that), but we had to fill the time. Here progress has been made as well. There is going to be a Bi-con in my town in a few weeks. I already planned on going there, and I asked the boyfriend a while ago if it was okay if I kissed girls while I was at the Saturday-night party (called the Baffling Barbarian Bisexual Ball *facepalm*). He had to think about it for a while, but he told me I could do all that feels right for me. I probably won’t go any further than a bit of kissing and fondling, if such things even happen, but the feeling that I could if I wanted to, is extremely nice!

What felt even nicer is that the boyfriend met a friend of mine, whom I’ve been extravagantly flirting with for a while. We had lunch and we had a great time. The boyfriend liked her, and she liked him. She might come to the Bi-con as well, and if she turns out to be the person I kiss, that’s fine too. So, ehm, progress and happiness and such!

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The fetish-party.

Saturday evening, me and the boyfriend went to a fetish/bdsm/play-party, at an amazing location. It was our first time at that specific location, and the boyfriend’s first time at a party with dresscode (we had been to two more more casual parties before, which were more aimed at talking and socializing although there was also space to play).

So off we went, in our fetish-gear, into unknown territory. And the territory was quite pretty and extremely large. Two floors, lots of rooms (also small ones that you could lock for private purposes), lots of places just sit and talk or watch others, lots of playground. At the ground flour the dj played stuff ranging from pop, to 80’s, to metal; in the cellar mostly techno-stuff was played, but there were also many places where it was relatively silent. We both loved the ‘gentlemen’s room” most. This was a large, rectangular room, with chesterfield-like chairs and couches on the side, placed on a sort of platform, so the chairs were about 50cm higher than the floor. There was also space for pillows, so people (read: submissives) could sit by the feet of other people (read: dominants). In the middle there was a pool-table, which I suppose is rarely used for a game of pool, and there was also a large cage, which had the same height as the pool-table, so it was relatively low.

The party and the location also had the effect on us that we hoped for: it brought us in the mood to do some play-stuff again. So there was some  pulling of hair, grabbing  of throats, sitting at his feet, a bit of wrist-bondage (the same as in this post, but with black rope), a short spanking (both with hands and paddle), scratching of his nails on my arm and back (he keeps his nails long and sharp for only that reason) and lots of kissing.

The nicest thing of the evening was when we dat in the gentlemen’s room and he used the ice-cubes from his drink to cool my cleavage and back… Cold! And really hot at the same time. On the festival where we fell in love one year ago, we had also toyed around with icecubes, qand even though we that was not in a bdsm-context (although in our heads it was, I think), it did have quite an effect on both of us. There had been no opportunities to play with icecubes again, so this was a wonderful re-experience of that sensation, both physically and mentally.

I also got an ego-boost, sort of, when I was very obviously being hit on by someone. The boyfriend was at the toilet, and I waited outside. A guy asked me who I was waiting for, and we had some random conversation about where we were from, that he knew the town I lived in, etcetera. The boyfriend came out again, and then the questions came: what kind of things we were into, who the dominant partner was, stuff like that. He had apparantly missed my wristbondage, so when I held my arms up and said that, he replied that he had been looking into my eyes and saw prettyness in there… I replied that I found that hard to believe since it was quite dark where we were standing 😛 He did sit down next to us when we had found a chair somewhere, but I focussed on the boyfriend and ignored him, and after a while he left. Next time I really have to be more direct with guys like that, although I thought my reply at is very obvious pass at me and the fact we left him after that, should have been signs enough. But I did feel flattered by it, a bit 🙂

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