Posts tagged polyamory

Poly development. Or: The lack of a little black book becomes apparent.

Lately the boyfriend and I had a couple of difficult talks. The deadline, of which we talked about before, has been eliminated. We both saw that how we were doings things now, did not have any results. We have not have sex for 17 months, which is very long. And there does not seem to be any progress, which is not for lack of trying from the both of us.

So now I have freedom. Nothing has happened yet, and I don’t know if anything will happen in the near future, because I don’t have many easily available options. Maybe I’ll try to go out more (there seems to be a gay sauna in the neighbourhood, which has mixed evenings every once in a while), maybe I’ll try finding someone online (hmm, changing my OkCupid account to more available might not be a bad idea), maybe I’ll try to meet up with nice guys from the past (although their number is very small, and the nicest candidate turned monogamous, sadly enough).

Anyone any tips on increasing the size of my little black book?

And not just with male options?

got the picture from here, and yeah, the comments are quite offensive and stupid, but the brochure is great!

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It’s my blog and I can write what I want to.

Where this blog started out to document changes, mainly on the field of sexuality and relationships, and a bit on mental health and physical health, it soon became a place where I also got involved in discussions on feminist topics and reflections on things like postsecret, and the health-part got a bit out of the picture. Lately here was still some on my personal ups and downs, some on bdsm and poly, but the original goal of the blog seems to be lost. This is not problematic to me, it just shows that people evolve over time. But I’d still like to do a recap.

Compared to a year ago:

  • … I haven’t lost weight (lost it and gained it over time, and now want to lose it again).
  • … the boyfriend and I are still not having sex, although there is more intimacy, and lots more fun in the whole thing.
  • … there is more bdsm between, although this process is slow as well. There are several problems that need to be overcome, which mostly have to do with trust.
  • … I am way more stable, both in stress as in emotions, although there are still highs and lows of cours.
  • … there has been huge progress on the poly part. Where our relationship first was monogamous, we are now semi-polyamoureus, with me being allowed to persue girls. There even was some bdsm with not even one, not two, but three someone elses. Although that part is still quite difficult for the boyfriend.

It’s the beginning of spring. The time of year to start anew. On to new things, new experiences!

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Poly plans.

If you have read my last post, you know I am very busy with the free/restricted dichotomy. This also extended itself to my relationship. I wanted more freedom! Sex with women, but mostly sex with men! Because that was the one thing that I could not do, and that was very difficult for me.

It was a boundary from the boyfriend, and a boundary I did follow, but one that even after a few months did not feel right to me. Especially after I realised more and more that if I would start a new relationship right now, I would never consent to monogamy. I don’t want to discriminate between who I like and might  want to be intimate on the base of sex or gender: I want to do that on the base of who I like and/or find attractive or not.

Besides wanting to feel freedom, there was also something else connected to the “sex with other men”-thing. The boyfriend and I have not had sex (as in ‘fucking’) since January 2009. Yes, that means we did not have sex for 16 months now. We ware progressing, but we’re moving very slow, especially when you count in the fact that my libido has quote returned since a couple of weeks. There is still much fear left, but also lots of habit. I reasoned that with someone else, someone I trust and probably had slept with before, that would be easier to break through. Also, when it did not go well, it would not immediately have an impact on the relationship between the boyfriend and me, but if the experience was positive it would probably be easier to cross that boundary with the boyfriend as well.

The boyfriend had a different reasoning, which is also part of him having problems with me having sex with other men. He feels that when I have sex with someone else, sex will become something I do with others and not with him, and thus make it more difficult to have sex with him again. The complete opposite of my reasoning, as you can see.

I wanted a deadline. I don’t want to be in a gender-monogamous relationship, nor do I want to go over the boyfriend’s boundaries, since he is very important to me. There was clearly a problem there. So we got ourselves a deadline for when we go over from ‘his plan’ to ‘my plan’ (after thorough discussion of course, which might lead to a completely different plan altogether) really was necessary for me to feel some space ans calm of mind again. It is set at august 2010. Now I know when I can (sort of) expect things to change. And until then we are going to try even harder to get everything sexual to work between us again.

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Another poly up-date… for the boyfriend

I always was the one in the relationship with the boyfriend that wanted to date others. He always found that idea more difficult, because of some deeply ingrained idea of cheating, and because of uncertainties on how to go about hitting on someone. However, suddenly there is quite a chance that the boyfriend will go on a date somewhere in the coming weeks.

At a concert a few weeks ago, he re-met someone he had a short (sexual) fling with about 8 years ago. They talked a bit, but she was busy working at the bar, so he got her number, and planned on calling her to go out for a drink. It took some courage to actually call her, and when he finally did, she did not pick up. That was one week ago, and he called her again last weekend, but she did not pick up again. I hope she calls him back soon.

The idea of him going on a date is a bit scary on the one hand, but very exciting on the other. She does not know about me or our poly-situation yet. It will be the first time he tells that to someone he is interested in. I am curious how this talk will go. If it will go as difficult as he thinks, or as easy as I think it could go, if she really is as interesting as he feels she is. I mean, somewhat kinky girls, who walk around in alternative scenes, tend to be relatively accepting of less common relationship-types. The scaryness of it all, comes from the fact that this is a completely new situation: I have never had a partner who also has relations, sexual or otherwise, without me. But besides that, the idea of someone else hitting on my boyfriend, and of him hitting on her, is even somewhat sexually arousing for me. I hope this feeling stays when their date comes about.

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Unexpected bdsm.

The afterparty of a big meeting of a group of poly people. The people who keep lingering are not just poly, but also into bdsm. You bind my wrists together, to see what effect is has on me, since I mentioned that ‘just a little rope makes me go fuzzy’. The discovery that you can now take me around the room with me just following, seems to be very exciting to you. You bind me to the fridge in the corner of the room, to the bicycle pump, to a pot of milk on the stove. I have to kneel, to sit straight, which is remarkably difficult if the situation is so absurd and unexpected that I can only get into steeps of laughter.

Somewhere in between the bicycle pump and mentioning of a cardboard box (usually used for moving, but also effective in bdsm-play, as I am about to find out) I decide that this is a game deserved to be played out. You are the ordering party, and I am the ordered.

The box, yes the box. In which I end up with my head and shoulders, on my hand and knees, with my butt sticking out. Very elegant. With an icecube on the bare piece of my back. You make me guess what it is, and I name every kind of food that could possibly have come from the fridge of a vegetarian. I try not to think too much about the position I am in. There are four other people in the room besides us, and although I see two of those as friends, and the other two seem nice enough as well, this is a humiliating position. Although this would probably have induced the same feelings if we would have been just the two of us. I’m not sure if you shove the embarrassment in my face a bit more, but it would have fit the pattern.

I mention it to you when my legs start to hurt. You remove the box, take me to the couch. You seem surprised with my fuzzy-ness. I cuddle up to you, wanting some comfort, which you provide. You bring me a glass of water, ‘because else I can’t put her in a box any more’.

Throughout the rest of the evening you keep me close, and I you. Cuddles, little kisses, a bite in my neck when I don’t expect it, some slight hair-pulling. It all feels very warm and safe.

The evening ends with fuzzy, happy feelings. And those were not just there because of the slight powerdynamic that happen between us.

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2009 Wrap up

What happened in 2009? What were the changes, the significant events, the goals for next year?

Family

The relationship with my mom stayed the same, good as ever, and the bond with my dad grew a bit stronger, which was a welcome change. He also started to feel happier this year, which is an extremely good thing, after years of being somewhat depressed.

My grandparents moved into a apartment close to a home for elderly this year, after my grandmother had months of being in and out of the hospital. They are really getting old now, not going outside any more, and memory slowly going backwards. Which is not that strange, since they are 88 and 89 years old. It’s already an amazing achievement they managed to live by themselves for all these years.

I also started to get along with my aunt better. She is quite judgemental, which is difficult to deal with sometimes, but I manage to ignore that more and more, and focus on her good sides. We had an amazing weekend in Edinbrough, nicer than most of our weekends away in preceding years.

Friends

I met a lot of new people this year. Some of which I will probably grow closer to and develop a good friendship with in the next year, and some of which will stay at the borders of my life. My old friendships did not get as much attention as I would have liked. One of my friends moved away to another city in the end of 2008, so I saw way less of her than in the years before, and the other ‘university’-friends I also saw less, mostly due to busy schedules on my side. The same goes for my metalfriends. I’m extremely happy I’ll celebrate new year’s eve with them, because I missed them lots the past year.

Work/Study

I started on my master thesis this year, with a very interesting topic: media-influences on gender stereotypes. Everything is going as planned until now, but joining a action-platform against the reducing of funding by the government for education in general and students in particular, will probably cause slight delay next year.

This year I also started more new work-like volunteer things than ever before: I joined the editorial board for a magazine on gender en feminism, and wrote a few pieces for them as well (first time being published, yay!), I became a ticket-control-person for a music venue (best secondary benefits ever: always going to concerts for free, and more than 50% discount on drinks), and on the verge of this year I also started an internet-forum about bisexuality (which might even broaden itself to the topic of all ‘deviant’ kinds of sexuality and relationships).

Love

Still together with the boyfriend. There were some problems around the summer, but we solved them, and now we’re better than ever. And our future plans are getting more and more shape. Our relationship also became a bit more open this year, on our way to something more polyamourous. I also had a few crushes, and kissed a girl. Or two XD Nothing really substantial came from that, relationshipwise, but it was quite note-worthy nevertheless.

Spirituality

I wanted to start meditating more this year, so I recently did a short course, which was quite nice. I still don’t do it as often as I would like though… Also, I joined a internet-forum which has a down to earth view on spirituality to have some extra primer to muse on certain things. I’d like to get more into some non-fuzzy paganism, I think. Living closer to nature really appeals to me, especially foodwise, but also just in having more attention to the cycles of the seasons.

Music

I got more into medieval stuff, although I can’t name any bands, it’s more the style in general that really started to appeal to me. No new bands discovered this year, although I did get more into Sabaton, Turisas and Kate Nash than before.

My favourite performance of this year was Anathema, in my “own” venue. That concert kicked ass. They played all the favourites, came back twice after leaving, and the atmosphere was amazing.

Sex/bdsm

Relatively non-existent this year. I have never gone this long without intercourse since my first time at 16. This year I acknowledged I was raped by my ex-boyfriend Viking, and I started a very slow healing process, to heal all the hurt that was caused when people stepped over my boundaries. Bdsm came a bit back into my life, although it is still nowhere as important as it used to be. There are still a lot of fears to be conquered before all goes well in that area again.

Stuff that should be mentioned but did  not fit in any of the other categories

– I moved from a very sucky place to a much nicer place. Although it is a bit smaller, my landlord is way nicer than my former landlady. A relatively small change, that affected my life in a very positive sense.

– (Juice)fasting is not nice, and only makes me think about food. I am never going to try that again…

– More food-related stuff: I started eating meat again, after being a vegetarian for 11 years. I missed meat, but especially fish, a lot, and decided that that craving was too large to be ignored. I still don’t eat huge quantities of meat, and usually only when I’m at someone else’s place or at a restaurant.

Resolutions

I don’t really do resolutions, because I try to change stuff if I come across it during the year, not just at one point every 365 days. But well, since it is sort of obligatory:

– more meditation. My goal is to meditate daily (be it 5 minutes or a full hour), to be achieved before summer.

– paying more attention to my energy-level. I tend to overdo it, because there are so many amazing people and nice things to do in life. This goal is best operationalized as more time for myself without having to have to do stuff: each week, one day without appointments (may be a university-day).

– get (more) in touch with my sexual self again: there is some sort of plan now, the Master’s and Johnson approach, but now we (the boyfriend and I) need time and space to actually follow up on this plan. Which makes it very much connected with the goal before this one: more time for myself is more space in my head is more room for my sexuality

– Write more, for self-reflection, for my dairy, for my blog, poetry, stories, etc. No clear operationalized goal or deadline here, since that will decrease my creativity more than it will benefit from that.

– Spend less time behind the computer and read more, and cook/bake more. Which is also related to the energy-level goal, since the interwebs can grab you and take away all your energy. Mwahahaha!

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The “problem” with polyamoureus groups of friends.

Having a polyamoureus friendsgroup makes for new kinds of jealousy.

I am not a very jealous person when it comes to my friends, usually. I have a few separate groups of friends, and within those groups there are more meetings with the persons in the group one on one, than meetings of the complete group. I like it that there is not one middle-point-person in all of these groups, that there are multiple links from one to another. Sometimes I do find it a bit difficult if one friend of one group meets more with another friend of that one group very often, but that usually means that I just want to see that other friend more often too, and that’s  most of the time just one phonecall or text message away.

But with my group of polyamoureus friends and acquintances it’s a whole different story, because for some reason they all seem to be hitting on each-other and kissing each-other and everything, and I am not included in that. Now that makes me jealous. It’s not that I blame them, because the people I know tend to be nice, so of course they want to be close together. It’s not that I want to be intimate with all of those people either, but the fact that I just seem to be completely forgotten and overlooked, is kind of painful. Maybe it is because I don’t see them all that often, maybe it is because they know that my relationship is not completely open, but the reason that pops up in my (sometimes very insecure) mind the strongest, is that I’m just not nice enough.

Most likely this is all bullshit. And most likely it is similar to the “want for more contact”-jealousy that I sometimes feel with the friends out of other groups, despite that this feels more mean and ugly. So most likely I’ll feel much better if I have met friends out of that polyamoureus group again. Be there kissing or not.

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