Archive for February, 2010

An intense week.

This week is a weird week. First, there was this evening where out of nowhere there was some bdsm-ish play between me and India-girl. It made me feel happy and giddy for a couple days. Then there was the death-day of my sister, who died seven years ago after a car-accident. That same day I got a call from my father, who told me that my grandmother, 88 years old, had passed away. As planned weeks before, the boyfriend came over, which made for some much needed comfort. We still followed up on our plan to try out some bondage with a friend of ours. It was quite intense and emotional for the both of us. This morning I felt very uncertain about our relationship, but that was resolved after some good talking. Unrelated to that little crisis, I asked him to go home, because I prefer to deal with the pain and grief about my grandmother by myself.

This week my emotions went from extremely happy and hyper, to completely and utterly sad. I do think I dealt with all of it relatively well, staying close to what I felt, and acting what was best for me at any given moment. It also was, and still is, tiring as hell. I am planning to create some extra rest the next couple of days, with lots of reflection and possibly lots of writing.


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My view on sexual orientation.

I think sexual orientation is fluid, and changes over time. Also, it has more components than just sex. It is also about relational aspects and about who you fall in love it.

I see myself as bisexual, because I can fall in love with both men and women. This is my personal definition. For many terms people use to describe themselves, everyone has a personal view on it. Some people see themselves as bisexual when they want to have sex with people of both sexes but only want love relationships with one. Other people feel that some experimenting with the other sex than they usually are sexual with, makes them bisexual. And then I’m not even going into other, even broader and more multi-interpretable terms like ‘pansexual‘ and ‘queer‘ as sexual orientation.

Both these terms I like a lot, and I might use those terms in the future to identify myself. Mostly because I do see the problem that the term ‘bisexual’ assumes a binary view of gender, while there are much more variations than just two.  And I do not care about gender in the people I am attracted to. But I think it might take some more time while walk around in the bisexual community and maybe getting to know people who don’t see themselves falling into the three ‘accepted’ orientations, for me to see that term fitting to me.

And yes, if everyone can define for themselves what a term means to them, the term in itself stops having a pre-defined meaning. You won’t know immediately what the sexual orientation of a person is when that person uses their personal term. But you probably will know what kind of person someone is, because people who call themselves queer will probably look at life differently than people who call themselves heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual.

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Teenage movie star crush

The last time I had a little crush on a famous person must have been when I was about 15, on this guy: David Boreanaz.

And about two years later, a small infatuation with Claire Danes because we watched Romeo + Juliet in English class.

But now I’m 24 and I’m completely taken by Ed Westwick. He plays a player kind of guy in the series Gossip Girl, and is mostly a complete jerk. He forces himself sexually upon women, seems to use prostitutes a lot, and only seems to care about two things: partying and sex. And this whole bad boy, dark and brooding attitude works for me in some way, although I morally despise him; I always fall for the villain. And he has a certain look in his eyes…

sources here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

Is pretty and *want*!

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What I learned in my absence…

The past three weeks I learned a lot about myself and what I can do.

I learned really long to do lists can be conquered.

I learned I can work together with others as a team, better than I ever imagined.

I learned I can work for 12 days straight, and don’t collapse. Not even needing exorbitant resting time (2 days was enough).

I learned I can do press. I appeared on local and national television, and although there is much to learn, I did quite well.

I learned I am a good organizer (I already knew this, but it was extra confirmed).

I learned I can get myself on top of things, even when I feel down-ish and stressed out.

The past three weeks I learned I rock everyone’s socks!

And on a completely different note, these past weeks I also realised that my sexuality is slowly, very slowly, getting back on track again. I am really not there yet, but there is lots of progress. More kissing, more touching, more feeling sexual, more porn, more actually wanting to have sex again, more desire to date girls. More sock-rocking.

picture from here

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