Archive for April, 2009

To shave means to hope

A few days ago I e-mailed the boyfriend with some blog he wanted the address from, and a short question. Should I stop shaving my pubic hair or not? Although we did not have sex any more, I still felt this was something I had to ask permission for; it felt as something that was part of our D/s.

So there was some disappointment when there was no immediate reply that morning. There came no reply during the whole day. That evening we spoke about it on the phone, and he said something about that he somewhat preferred me shaved, but that it was my choice.

I don’t clearly remember how the conversation went on, but I do remember I felt sad about his response. To me this question was something important, and it did not seem that important too him. Afteer some difficult talking it came out that it was more difficult for him to see this in a D/s-context, because it concerned an area that he had nothing to do with recently; it did not fall into his “range” of our D/s at this time.  And also because I had asked it so casually, he had not noticed that I had meant it as asking for permission, instead of the asking of an opinion, which was how he had interpreted it.

It was not the first difficult talk that week, and talks like that are quite draining. Especially when it’s about  something as painful as the fact we’re not having sex, not because of not wanting, but because I just cannot, mentally. Wanting to stop shaving was some sort of giving up hope, of quitting to prepare. I do not know exactly if it was at the end of that talk, or if it was the day after, but in the end he made clear he really wanted me to shave my cunt, for aesthetics, for the hope.

And so I did.

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BDSM and the boyfriend and me

I completely forgot to mention that the boyfriend and I threw out the orgasm-rule (I had to ask permission before every orgasm, also when we were not together) because it did not feel completely right any more, since there was nothing sexual going between us besides that rule. I have been quite content with this. Not that my sexual habits have changed, I still masturbate almost every evening with one or two orgasms (I have been planning a post solely dedicated to masturbation somewhere this or next week, so be patient), but I feel more free. I could now also have orgasms during the day, or in the shower, which I felt very reluctant to ask for, while the urge was there sometimes. Although the boyfriend misses it, I still feel it’s better like it is now, at this moment. I do think we should get this rule back in the future, one way or another, because “giving away my orgasm” or at least my control over it, has always been something I enjoyed in bdsm.

Bdsm is a topic I touched only lightly in this blog, except for the one assignment I had to do. I do not feel like giving a complete overview here, but I’ll promise one for later. For now it’s sufficient to know that I’ve been practising bdsm actively for 6 years now, while the boyfriend is still relatively new to all of this. He knew he had a dominant side for years, but his ex-girlfriend was pretty vanilla, so he wasn’t able to give space to that side of him.

Our start together in what we wanted to be the D/s-part of our relationship was really nice, and almost too good to be true. Which showed soon after, when I started to have problems with trust and sexuality (which had already been laying under the surface), and he became afraid of doing something wrong which could hurt or damage me in the wrong way. We can now see how things went downwards from there, but it seems quite difficult to stop it. We try to get back on track, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. The one assignment I got was really nice, and I would like to get more, but he lacks ideas that he feels confident enough about to demand of me. And I am not always as receptive of his plans as I should. I tend to react quite negative at first, at whatever he wants on a bdsm-level. I don’t know exactly why, probably because I then feel called upon to suddenly be submissive, and because of the trust-issue and an easy fear of  things, makes “no” a first reaction. This combined with his insecurity about his dominance and what he can and cannot do, has led to no real play in months.

Anyway, thee past few days have been a lot better. He seems more confident on the phone when he sends me off to bed (we have this rule-like-thing that he initiates the end of the phone-call in the evening, and that he can send me off to sleep), and I actually listen now. In the weeks before I usually checked some  fora and e-mail before I went to bed, without asking him if that was okay. It feels better this way, although a little part of me is scared.

Not of his dominance, but of the thought that this might feel as too much of an effort for him, maybe too much of a role instead of really himself, while I extremely like this feeling of having someone secure and confident watching over me and taking care of me…

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Yay! I’m allowed to eat more!

Just been to the dietitian, and guess what: I’ve been eating too little 😛

I send her what I eat on a regular day, and she calculated the calories, vitamins, minerals, everything. A normal day is about 1400 calories for me, while a bit more (somewhere between 1500 and 1700) would be better. So now I’ll try to eat a ‘heavier’ snack in between meals, since I tend to go hungry around 4pm, between lunch and dinner. And I have to drink a glass of milk (or something similar) daily, because I’m not getting enough calcium. And a bit too little magnesium, and iron and selenium and zinc, and vitamin A, D, E, B1, B6, B12, folium-acid… So she also advised me to take multivitamins, so I’ll buy those this week. They may also help me getting less tired, or at least I hope so.

Anyway, I’m doing fine, according to her, so I’m just going on in the way I was going. This was my second and last visit to see the dietitian, since I don’t think I can learn much from her about healthy eating: I knew most of it already. Although she said I can always e-mail her if I have a question, or just to tell her how I’m doing. That’s a comforting thought.

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Randomness

Some random little things that I wanted to share, but that are not enough to fill a whole post of their own:

-Last wednesday I heard a sing that would’ve been played at the funeral of my sister (if the cd had been in the case, that is), and which always reminds me of her. It made me feel sad, but that was okay, even though I was working at that time. I did not cry, but I was close. And it felt nice, it felt good to let the sadness come in, and it left again after the song was over. I am getting there.

-Today and yesterday I worked on the take-home exam of multilevel modelling (a statistical method, which looks like regression analysis, but which takes the “level” of the data into account, like students in schools for example, or even measurement occasions in participants). Yesterday I worked for 1,5 hours, and today for 2 hours, with two working-sessions per day, and now one part is finished! the fact I could work for more than an hour without a break, and without getting really easily distracted or very tired also shows I’m really heading into the right direction.

– I have been living where I live now (one of the three rooms in the home of an elderly couple they rent to students) for 4,5 years now, and only today I discovered there is a extremely nice and pretty piece of nature 2 minutes of cycling away from my frontdoor. It really is amazing. I am going to try to do a lot of cycling and relaxing there for the 4 months I have left here, since I plan on moving to a “real” appartment of my own soon, in a different area. Close to forest, by the way, so I’ll still have nature in the vicinity, but then I’ll be aware of it from the beginning.

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And back again…

Today I weighed 76kg (167,6 lb) again, so I’m back to where I was 2 weeks ago. Earlier this week I made a little graph about my progress so far:

Weight Graph

It is quite visible that the weeks I spend at the boyfriend’s place, or when he is at my place, lead to gain of about 1kg (2,2lb), which I lose again in the following week, but it does really decrease the speed of weight loss. I also notice I start to be a bit less motivated and everything: I want to eat nice unhealthy, fat sugary stuff, dammit! But I’m able to stop myself from acting on my cravings: selfcontrol FTW!

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Breakthrough 2

Fear seems to be the theme of this week: it was also the main topic I talked about with my psychologist today. To be more precise: my fear when riding in a car (not driving myself, since I don’t have a license, but sitting next to the driver) and when having to cross a train-crossing. We did some exercise where I had to sit and focus on a specific event (in this case, the time where crossed a train-crossing, and just when I passed it the lights went on, the ringing sounds started, the barriers were almost coming down, and in the distance I could see the train coming already: scary as hell), and then focus on the (physical) feelings it gave me.

Afterwards she also asked me when I had had that feeling (the intense-fear kind of feeling I got from the though of the train-crossing) for the first time. The image that came to mind was the one after my foot had been caught in the spokes of my mothers bike, which happened when I was 5 years old. Apparently (logically) this had really scared me: something that had always been very safe (sitting behind my mother on her bike) was now suddenly something dangerous.

This fear that now presents itself in situations that could become dangerous, is this old fear that stable things can suddenly be overturned into something unstable. Like when my parents broke up when I was 2. Like when I had to move and change schools at age 7. Like when I got a new brother when I was 8. Like when my sister died when I was 17. I used to be afraid of people leaving me, one way or another, but now I am more scared of situations going out of control.

We are going to work with this a bit more, so I got some sort of “homework” again: keepin track a bit of when and where I feel fear and how it feels.

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Breakthrough 1

The visit to the sexologist this week was quite fruitful. We mainly spoke  about the fact that I don’t feel disgusted by sex but that it mainly scares me, and that this now starts to influence the intimacy between me and the boyfriend, of which I spoke in my last post. (I felt much better the day after, by the way, just had no time to post)

We are now going to try something, something that the boyfriend had alrfeady proposed, but which I had rejected because it felt too “therapeutic” to do with a boyfriend, and also because it scared me. the boyfriend is going to touch me, very simple, just a hand somewhere, my back, my arm, my stomach. He is just going to keep it there, without moving, stroking or anything else. And I am just going to feel the feeling of him touching me, feeling it’s not a bad thing, feeling it’s safe, feeling it’s nice. Because rationally I know that of course, but emotionally it’s a different story.

We also spoke about that I mainly fantasize about girls nowadays, and about that I want a girlfriend, in time; a longing I spoke about here. She acknowledged that this does complicate things a bit. The most amazing bit of talk followed:

She: “You have to become who you really are.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

She: “You are  not monogamous.”

Well, I’m still struggling with that one, don’t start labelling me yet XD (although I am slowly starting to think and accept that mono is not my label any more) She also proposed that maybe the boyfriend and me could switch roles sometimes, me tying him down, because that might decrease fear as well. Don’t think that is going to happen though 😉

It was a really nice session, things seem to be more clear now (at least to me), and we have a Plan. And plans give clarity and something to hold on to, and that’s a good thing for our relationship right now.

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