Posts tagged life

It’s my blog and I can write what I want to.

Where this blog started out to document changes, mainly on the field of sexuality and relationships, and a bit on mental health and physical health, it soon became a place where I also got involved in discussions on feminist topics and reflections on things like postsecret, and the health-part got a bit out of the picture. Lately here was still some on my personal ups and downs, some on bdsm and poly, but the original goal of the blog seems to be lost. This is not problematic to me, it just shows that people evolve over time. But I’d still like to do a recap.

Compared to a year ago:

  • … I haven’t lost weight (lost it and gained it over time, and now want to lose it again).
  • … the boyfriend and I are still not having sex, although there is more intimacy, and lots more fun in the whole thing.
  • … there is more bdsm between, although this process is slow as well. There are several problems that need to be overcome, which mostly have to do with trust.
  • … I am way more stable, both in stress as in emotions, although there are still highs and lows of cours.
  • … there has been huge progress on the poly part. Where our relationship first was monogamous, we are now semi-polyamoureus, with me being allowed to persue girls. There even was some bdsm with not even one, not two, but three someone elses. Although that part is still quite difficult for the boyfriend.

It’s the beginning of spring. The time of year to start anew. On to new things, new experiences!

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Balancing plans.

I want a rhythm in my days.

I want freedom and unpredictability.

I want to make plans for the future.

I want to take each day as it comes.

I want peace of mind and quietness.

I want to socialize and meet all the nice and lovable people in my life very often.

I want to create a home, my home.

I want to see the world, experience other countries and cultures.

I want to be creative and explore new talents.

I am finding a balance. The short term plans include starting on my thesis, getting up a bit earlier again and get busy in the morning, and have a couple of hours each week where randomness can take over.

Longer term plans include being in the chair of our local student union for a year, and in that year finding out if I can do research on sexuality for a non-profit organization, or become a life coach of some sort. But these longer term long-term-plans can change as time sees fit.

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What I learned in my absence…

The past three weeks I learned a lot about myself and what I can do.

I learned really long to do lists can be conquered.

I learned I can work together with others as a team, better than I ever imagined.

I learned I can work for 12 days straight, and don’t collapse. Not even needing exorbitant resting time (2 days was enough).

I learned I can do press. I appeared on local and national television, and although there is much to learn, I did quite well.

I learned I am a good organizer (I already knew this, but it was extra confirmed).

I learned I can get myself on top of things, even when I feel down-ish and stressed out.

The past three weeks I learned I rock everyone’s socks!

And on a completely different note, these past weeks I also realised that my sexuality is slowly, very slowly, getting back on track again. I am really not there yet, but there is lots of progress. More kissing, more touching, more feeling sexual, more porn, more actually wanting to have sex again, more desire to date girls. More sock-rocking.

picture from here

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2009 Wrap up

What happened in 2009? What were the changes, the significant events, the goals for next year?

Family

The relationship with my mom stayed the same, good as ever, and the bond with my dad grew a bit stronger, which was a welcome change. He also started to feel happier this year, which is an extremely good thing, after years of being somewhat depressed.

My grandparents moved into a apartment close to a home for elderly this year, after my grandmother had months of being in and out of the hospital. They are really getting old now, not going outside any more, and memory slowly going backwards. Which is not that strange, since they are 88 and 89 years old. It’s already an amazing achievement they managed to live by themselves for all these years.

I also started to get along with my aunt better. She is quite judgemental, which is difficult to deal with sometimes, but I manage to ignore that more and more, and focus on her good sides. We had an amazing weekend in Edinbrough, nicer than most of our weekends away in preceding years.

Friends

I met a lot of new people this year. Some of which I will probably grow closer to and develop a good friendship with in the next year, and some of which will stay at the borders of my life. My old friendships did not get as much attention as I would have liked. One of my friends moved away to another city in the end of 2008, so I saw way less of her than in the years before, and the other ‘university’-friends I also saw less, mostly due to busy schedules on my side. The same goes for my metalfriends. I’m extremely happy I’ll celebrate new year’s eve with them, because I missed them lots the past year.

Work/Study

I started on my master thesis this year, with a very interesting topic: media-influences on gender stereotypes. Everything is going as planned until now, but joining a action-platform against the reducing of funding by the government for education in general and students in particular, will probably cause slight delay next year.

This year I also started more new work-like volunteer things than ever before: I joined the editorial board for a magazine on gender en feminism, and wrote a few pieces for them as well (first time being published, yay!), I became a ticket-control-person for a music venue (best secondary benefits ever: always going to concerts for free, and more than 50% discount on drinks), and on the verge of this year I also started an internet-forum about bisexuality (which might even broaden itself to the topic of all ‘deviant’ kinds of sexuality and relationships).

Love

Still together with the boyfriend. There were some problems around the summer, but we solved them, and now we’re better than ever. And our future plans are getting more and more shape. Our relationship also became a bit more open this year, on our way to something more polyamourous. I also had a few crushes, and kissed a girl. Or two XD Nothing really substantial came from that, relationshipwise, but it was quite note-worthy nevertheless.

Spirituality

I wanted to start meditating more this year, so I recently did a short course, which was quite nice. I still don’t do it as often as I would like though… Also, I joined a internet-forum which has a down to earth view on spirituality to have some extra primer to muse on certain things. I’d like to get more into some non-fuzzy paganism, I think. Living closer to nature really appeals to me, especially foodwise, but also just in having more attention to the cycles of the seasons.

Music

I got more into medieval stuff, although I can’t name any bands, it’s more the style in general that really started to appeal to me. No new bands discovered this year, although I did get more into Sabaton, Turisas and Kate Nash than before.

My favourite performance of this year was Anathema, in my “own” venue. That concert kicked ass. They played all the favourites, came back twice after leaving, and the atmosphere was amazing.

Sex/bdsm

Relatively non-existent this year. I have never gone this long without intercourse since my first time at 16. This year I acknowledged I was raped by my ex-boyfriend Viking, and I started a very slow healing process, to heal all the hurt that was caused when people stepped over my boundaries. Bdsm came a bit back into my life, although it is still nowhere as important as it used to be. There are still a lot of fears to be conquered before all goes well in that area again.

Stuff that should be mentioned but did  not fit in any of the other categories

– I moved from a very sucky place to a much nicer place. Although it is a bit smaller, my landlord is way nicer than my former landlady. A relatively small change, that affected my life in a very positive sense.

– (Juice)fasting is not nice, and only makes me think about food. I am never going to try that again…

– More food-related stuff: I started eating meat again, after being a vegetarian for 11 years. I missed meat, but especially fish, a lot, and decided that that craving was too large to be ignored. I still don’t eat huge quantities of meat, and usually only when I’m at someone else’s place or at a restaurant.

Resolutions

I don’t really do resolutions, because I try to change stuff if I come across it during the year, not just at one point every 365 days. But well, since it is sort of obligatory:

– more meditation. My goal is to meditate daily (be it 5 minutes or a full hour), to be achieved before summer.

– paying more attention to my energy-level. I tend to overdo it, because there are so many amazing people and nice things to do in life. This goal is best operationalized as more time for myself without having to have to do stuff: each week, one day without appointments (may be a university-day).

– get (more) in touch with my sexual self again: there is some sort of plan now, the Master’s and Johnson approach, but now we (the boyfriend and I) need time and space to actually follow up on this plan. Which makes it very much connected with the goal before this one: more time for myself is more space in my head is more room for my sexuality

– Write more, for self-reflection, for my dairy, for my blog, poetry, stories, etc. No clear operationalized goal or deadline here, since that will decrease my creativity more than it will benefit from that.

– Spend less time behind the computer and read more, and cook/bake more. Which is also related to the energy-level goal, since the interwebs can grab you and take away all your energy. Mwahahaha!

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I get daily messages from the universe on weekdays…

… and I usually don’t like them that much. Too fuzzy, too new age, too happy happy joy joy, too “the secret”. But a few days ago, the universe hit the spot:

Life is not what you see, but what you’ve projected. It’s not what you’ve felt, but what you’ve decided. It’s not what you’ve experienced, but how you’ve remembered it. It’s not what you’ve forged, but what you’ve allowed. And it’s not who’s appeared, but who you’ve summoned.

And this should serve you well, beloved, until you find, what you already have.

Yeah,
The Universe


(when I told they boyfriend I get emails from the universe, and asked him if he knew about the secret, he looked at me weirdly and asked if I had been brainwashed by a cult)

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From the land of metaphors: the wave.

I talked about the wave before. Right now, I’m on it. Quite stable, actually, although I almost fell of this afternoon. I started to feel stressed about the busy week that is coming up. A few deadlines for my experiment, articles I have to edit, events I’m volunteering for, friends I’m going to see…

But then I did some meditation, had good food, did some preparation for next week (like making sure my mailbox is empty, that always makes for a good start), and watched about three Gilmore Girls episodes (I’m in season 4 now. Again ;)). I was already relaxed after the meditating, but the rest of the evening filled my battery again, so I next week can be as filled as last week was, without me collapsing.

Because I can. I can work 6 to 8 hours a day at university. I can do two volunteer jobs, and even do some extra stuff for an organization for bisexuality. I can see many people, and have intense interactions with friends, without having to recover a lot.

It’s my wave, I’m moving quickly, but I’m still stable, and capable of pulling myself up again when I start slipping. I know the dangers, where the sharp rocks are, where I can get stranded on a sandbank. But I’m still on here, I’ve learned, I’ve grown, and I feel better than ever.

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The end of the fight is not the end but the beginning.

I stopped fighting.

Since I was very young, I’ve always been fighting. First against stress, than against a (never formally acknowledged, but seen in retrospect) depression, against all the sadness I felt (I was never good at crying), against the grief about the death of my sister, for relationships that were not good for me but that I kept going anyway, for feeling better and coming out of my burn0ut.

The last couple of months I’ve been fighting to regain my sexuality, to get back that sense of wanting, of needing, sex. But I don’t. I don’t want sex with men at the moment, which also means I don’t want sex with the boyfriend. Although girls are way more interesting sexually, I don’t feel like going all the way with them either. I just don’t feel that  sexual.

I don’t fight any more. I feel what I feel, and at this moment my feelings are quite a-sexual. I get aroused sometimes, but more often than not when I am alone and safe in my own bed. I sometimes do want sex, but that is usually a short lasting feeling. I want intimacy and kissing and cuddling and stroking and touching and bdsm-ish things, both with the boyfriend and with girls, but I don’t have the want or need to take their panties/boxers of, just as I don’t have the want or need to allow them to get into mine.

And that is all completely fine and accepted by me.

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