Posts tagged emotions

It’s my blog and I can write what I want to.

2010/04/16 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Where this blog started out to document changes, mainly on the field of sexuality and relationships, and a bit on mental health and physical health, it soon became a place where I also got involved in discussions on feminist topics and reflections on things like postsecret, and the health-part got a bit out of the picture. Lately here was still some on my personal ups and downs, some on bdsm and poly, but the original goal of the blog seems to be lost. This is not problematic to me, it just shows that people evolve over time. But I’d still like to do a recap.

Compared to a year ago:

  • … I haven’t lost weight (lost it and gained it over time, and now want to lose it again).
  • … the boyfriend and I are still not having sex, although there is more intimacy, and lots more fun in the whole thing.
  • … there is more bdsm between, although this process is slow as well. There are several problems that need to be overcome, which mostly have to do with trust.
  • … I am way more stable, both in stress as in emotions, although there are still highs and lows of cours.
  • … there has been huge progress on the poly part. Where our relationship first was monogamous, we are now semi-polyamoureus, with me being allowed to persue girls. There even was some bdsm with not even one, not two, but three someone elses. Although that part is still quite difficult for the boyfriend.

It’s the beginning of spring. The time of year to start anew. On to new things, new experiences!

Leave a comment »

Poly plans.

2010/03/31 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , , ,

If you have read my last post, you know I am very busy with the free/restricted dichotomy. This also extended itself to my relationship. I wanted more freedom! Sex with women, but mostly sex with men! Because that was the one thing that I could not do, and that was very difficult for me.

It was a boundary from the boyfriend, and a boundary I did follow, but one that even after a few months did not feel right to me. Especially after I realised more and more that if I would start a new relationship right now, I would never consent to monogamy. I don’t want to discriminate between who I like and might  want to be intimate on the base of sex or gender: I want to do that on the base of who I like and/or find attractive or not.

Besides wanting to feel freedom, there was also something else connected to the “sex with other men”-thing. The boyfriend and I have not had sex (as in ‘fucking’) since January 2009. Yes, that means we did not have sex for 16 months now. We ware progressing, but we’re moving very slow, especially when you count in the fact that my libido has quote returned since a couple of weeks. There is still much fear left, but also lots of habit. I reasoned that with someone else, someone I trust and probably had slept with before, that would be easier to break through. Also, when it did not go well, it would not immediately have an impact on the relationship between the boyfriend and me, but if the experience was positive it would probably be easier to cross that boundary with the boyfriend as well.

The boyfriend had a different reasoning, which is also part of him having problems with me having sex with other men. He feels that when I have sex with someone else, sex will become something I do with others and not with him, and thus make it more difficult to have sex with him again. The complete opposite of my reasoning, as you can see.

I wanted a deadline. I don’t want to be in a gender-monogamous relationship, nor do I want to go over the boyfriend’s boundaries, since he is very important to me. There was clearly a problem there. So we got ourselves a deadline for when we go over from ‘his plan’ to ‘my plan’ (after thorough discussion of course, which might lead to a completely different plan altogether) really was necessary for me to feel some space ans calm of mind again. It is set at august 2010. Now I know when I can (sort of) expect things to change. And until then we are going to try even harder to get everything sexual to work between us again.

Comments (1) »

Balancing plans.

2010/03/29 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , ,

I want a rhythm in my days.

I want freedom and unpredictability.

I want to make plans for the future.

I want to take each day as it comes.

I want peace of mind and quietness.

I want to socialize and meet all the nice and lovable people in my life very often.

I want to create a home, my home.

I want to see the world, experience other countries and cultures.

I want to be creative and explore new talents.

I am finding a balance. The short term plans include starting on my thesis, getting up a bit earlier again and get busy in the morning, and have a couple of hours each week where randomness can take over.

Longer term plans include being in the chair of our local student union for a year, and in that year finding out if I can do research on sexuality for a non-profit organization, or become a life coach of some sort. But these longer term long-term-plans can change as time sees fit.

Comments (1) »

Unexpected bdsm.

2010/03/01 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , ,

The afterparty of a big meeting of a group of poly people. The people who keep lingering are not just poly, but also into bdsm. You bind my wrists together, to see what effect is has on me, since I mentioned that ‘just a little rope makes me go fuzzy’. The discovery that you can now take me around the room with me just following, seems to be very exciting to you. You bind me to the fridge in the corner of the room, to the bicycle pump, to a pot of milk on the stove. I have to kneel, to sit straight, which is remarkably difficult if the situation is so absurd and unexpected that I can only get into steeps of laughter.

Somewhere in between the bicycle pump and mentioning of a cardboard box (usually used for moving, but also effective in bdsm-play, as I am about to find out) I decide that this is a game deserved to be played out. You are the ordering party, and I am the ordered.

The box, yes the box. In which I end up with my head and shoulders, on my hand and knees, with my butt sticking out. Very elegant. With an icecube on the bare piece of my back. You make me guess what it is, and I name every kind of food that could possibly have come from the fridge of a vegetarian. I try not to think too much about the position I am in. There are four other people in the room besides us, and although I see two of those as friends, and the other two seem nice enough as well, this is a humiliating position. Although this would probably have induced the same feelings if we would have been just the two of us. I’m not sure if you shove the embarrassment in my face a bit more, but it would have fit the pattern.

I mention it to you when my legs start to hurt. You remove the box, take me to the couch. You seem surprised with my fuzzy-ness. I cuddle up to you, wanting some comfort, which you provide. You bring me a glass of water, ‘because else I can’t put her in a box any more’.

Throughout the rest of the evening you keep me close, and I you. Cuddles, little kisses, a bite in my neck when I don’t expect it, some slight hair-pulling. It all feels very warm and safe.

The evening ends with fuzzy, happy feelings. And those were not just there because of the slight powerdynamic that happen between us.

Comments (1) »

An intense week.

2010/02/28 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , , ,

This week is a weird week. First, there was this evening where out of nowhere there was some bdsm-ish play between me and India-girl. It made me feel happy and giddy for a couple days. Then there was the death-day of my sister, who died seven years ago after a car-accident. That same day I got a call from my father, who told me that my grandmother, 88 years old, had passed away. As planned weeks before, the boyfriend came over, which made for some much needed comfort. We still followed up on our plan to try out some bondage with a friend of ours. It was quite intense and emotional for the both of us. This morning I felt very uncertain about our relationship, but that was resolved after some good talking. Unrelated to that little crisis, I asked him to go home, because I prefer to deal with the pain and grief about my grandmother by myself.

This week my emotions went from extremely happy and hyper, to completely and utterly sad. I do think I dealt with all of it relatively well, staying close to what I felt, and acting what was best for me at any given moment. It also was, and still is, tiring as hell. I am planning to create some extra rest the next couple of days, with lots of reflection and possibly lots of writing.

Leave a comment »

What I learned in my absence…

2010/02/15 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , , , ,

The past three weeks I learned a lot about myself and what I can do.

I learned really long to do lists can be conquered.

I learned I can work together with others as a team, better than I ever imagined.

I learned I can work for 12 days straight, and don’t collapse. Not even needing exorbitant resting time (2 days was enough).

I learned I can do press. I appeared on local and national television, and although there is much to learn, I did quite well.

I learned I am a good organizer (I already knew this, but it was extra confirmed).

I learned I can get myself on top of things, even when I feel down-ish and stressed out.

The past three weeks I learned I rock everyone’s socks!

And on a completely different note, these past weeks I also realised that my sexuality is slowly, very slowly, getting back on track again. I am really not there yet, but there is lots of progress. More kissing, more touching, more feeling sexual, more porn, more actually wanting to have sex again, more desire to date girls. More sock-rocking.

picture from here

Comments (1) »

The cycle of waves.

2010/01/25 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , , , ,

My life comes in waves. There are big waves, which move over a year, medium ones, which last a couple of weeks or months, and short ones which are about a day long.

The yearly wave moves from being mostly content and happy in and after the summer holidays, to getting more grumpy towards Christmas, to getting annoyed with school/university in january/february (I then get the feeling I want to learn new things, and want to start a new school-year), to feeling happier again when spring arises and summer (anb therefore a new study-start) comes closer again.

The monthly waves are the most annoying. They come in two kinds. There is a hormone based one, my PMS, which makes me grumpy and extra-emotional every four weeks for a couple of days. Hopefully that wave is smaller or even gone now, because of my Implanon.

But there is also another one, that lasts a bit longer than the hormonal cycle.  At one point I’m being happy and joyful. I like hanging out with people, I see my friends often, but not that much. Then I start to overdo it. I tend to want to meet new people, and overcrowd my calendar with appointments or I spend lots of time on online communities (ones I have been a member of for while, although I might enter new ones too). After that phase, I start to feel left out, for one reason or another. I feel my friends don’t like me, that everything has to come from me, and that no one really likes me. Grumpyness. Then I retreat a bit, sometimes just a few days, sometimes is takes longer. After this phase passed, I start to feel happy again, have faith in me and my friendships, and it all starts over again.

The daily cycle has changed over time. It used to be that I was way more active in the morning, got tired in the afternoon, and was not able to work after 9pm. It is a bit different now, since I still feel active in the morning, but cannot always push myself to do stuff. I still get less active in the afternoon, but in the evening I get another rush of energy, which can be handy, but also makes me  go to bed a bit too late sometimes, which isn’t good for my morning energy.

The social-cycle is the most unhandy one, and the one that influences my life in the most negative way. I know how to handle my PMS. I don’t plan important stuff or intense social activities in those days, and I don’t make important decisions. I don’t know how to go about the social cycle. I am now at the point where I start to feel that I am not liked. I feel jealous at others who seem to get more (online) attention than I do. I don’t always feel like contacting my friends, while I would like to see them “but why do I always have to set the first step”.

It’s a negative spiral, or so it feels. I do know it’s not true, probably my friends like me as much as they always do, but the doubtful feelings are strong, sadly enough. And they might be more destructive than helpful.

I know how the wave works, but is that enough to break out of it?

pictures from here and here

Leave a comment »

Together with the jump, come big steps.

2010/01/11 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , , , , , ,

Maybe it’s time for big steps this week. On Friday I called an organization and asked them if they could put me through thorough psychological diagnostic testing.

It’s not that I am not functioning. I am, and I am doing quite well even, especially because I’m on the happy-end of a moodswing at the moment. Because I do “suffer” from moodswings, that can be relatively intense. Although I can be really focused, I’m also distracted and bored easily. I’m prone to small periods of depressed feelings, which have been re-occurring for years. I’m not able to deal with stress well, which resulted in a burn-out. I have been bullied in primary school, had a abusive relationship (asshole ex), got raped by a boyfriend (Viking), saw my sister get hit by a car, had lots of issues with my step-dad, had bad self-esteem, have a lack of money. And of course, there are my sexual problems. It is difficult to describe, because I feel good now, and the bad stuff feels only theoretical, but I know it’s there, and I know the pendulum will swing to a more moody me sooner or later.

They called me back today, and after a short talk it was decided I should find my help elsewhere, since I cannot and want not be put under one single diagnosis. First extensive intake, than maybe a diagnosis, if any. So I searched on, and found a practice in my own town, with a very holistic approach. They are a bit fuzzy (doing reiki and such as well, next to psychotherapy and methods that have more scientific evidence on their side), but their way of working appeals to me, with lots of reflection, an equal relationship between client and therapist, and the extensive intake I ask for. I hope this will work out.

Also, another big step will take place next Saturday, the day after my birthday. My hair, which is now quite long, will be cut. Into a short pixie-haircut of some kind. I am really excited (and somewhat scared) about it!

And apparently, this is my 100th post! So, big step number three! That deserves cake:

Picture cake from one ordinary day (with recipe)

Comments (4) »

Reflections on postsecret

2009/12/27 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , ,

When I discovered it I don’t know, but I do know that I have been loving the idea since the very first time I set eyes on it. The boyfriend and me always check the site together on sundays, it’s our little tradition. And maybe this will be a new one, since this week I noticed many gender-ish (my own word for things that are in some way related to genderstudies, feminism or LGBT) postcards, on which I’m about to give my reflections. When time allows it, this might become a weekly feature, when gender-ish postcards present themselves.

The boyfriend could have sended this one in. He once exclaimed to me that he had a severe lack of gay friends, and just when he thought a girl in his circle of friends and acquintences was a gay, she got a boyfriend. Come to think of it, I don’t have many gay friends either. Just one, I think. A lot of bisexual friends though, and a few gay acquintances, but only one in my closer circle of friends, and I don’t see him that often anymore. Probably because the main “scenes” I hang out in are the metal-scene (where homosexuality is not that accepted, weirdly enough, if you consider all the gay/leather symbolism) and the bdsm-scene, where gay and straight people (+ female bisexuals) don’t mingle that much.

I find this an amazingly stupid and hurtful excuse. Of course, I don’t know the background of this card, but it seems to me that any violation of someone’s physical privacy cannot be excused by a lame reason like “yeah, puberty was weird”, which implicitly says “I could not help it, so you can’t blame me” . It feels as the same kind excuse that the asshole-ex used after our relationship, for forcing me to do sexual things I did not want (and went over my boundaries): “I did not know how the power relations in our relationship worked any more”. Use your brain to think, and not your penis, dammit.

Since when are daughters less important than sons? Well, of course, for ages and ages that has been the general idea, but you would say that in this day and age, especially in the western world, people would not be this ignorant. If that guy was my father, I’m not sure if  I still wanted him to be my father any more, since apparently I am not valued, because of my gender.

Secrets like these last two, really show that this feminism still has quite some way to go. And there were even more, like this one, and this one.

source: postsecret.com

Leave a comment »

2009 Wrap up

2009/12/21 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

What happened in 2009? What were the changes, the significant events, the goals for next year?

Family

The relationship with my mom stayed the same, good as ever, and the bond with my dad grew a bit stronger, which was a welcome change. He also started to feel happier this year, which is an extremely good thing, after years of being somewhat depressed.

My grandparents moved into a apartment close to a home for elderly this year, after my grandmother had months of being in and out of the hospital. They are really getting old now, not going outside any more, and memory slowly going backwards. Which is not that strange, since they are 88 and 89 years old. It’s already an amazing achievement they managed to live by themselves for all these years.

I also started to get along with my aunt better. She is quite judgemental, which is difficult to deal with sometimes, but I manage to ignore that more and more, and focus on her good sides. We had an amazing weekend in Edinbrough, nicer than most of our weekends away in preceding years.

Friends

I met a lot of new people this year. Some of which I will probably grow closer to and develop a good friendship with in the next year, and some of which will stay at the borders of my life. My old friendships did not get as much attention as I would have liked. One of my friends moved away to another city in the end of 2008, so I saw way less of her than in the years before, and the other ‘university’-friends I also saw less, mostly due to busy schedules on my side. The same goes for my metalfriends. I’m extremely happy I’ll celebrate new year’s eve with them, because I missed them lots the past year.

Work/Study

I started on my master thesis this year, with a very interesting topic: media-influences on gender stereotypes. Everything is going as planned until now, but joining a action-platform against the reducing of funding by the government for education in general and students in particular, will probably cause slight delay next year.

This year I also started more new work-like volunteer things than ever before: I joined the editorial board for a magazine on gender en feminism, and wrote a few pieces for them as well (first time being published, yay!), I became a ticket-control-person for a music venue (best secondary benefits ever: always going to concerts for free, and more than 50% discount on drinks), and on the verge of this year I also started an internet-forum about bisexuality (which might even broaden itself to the topic of all ‘deviant’ kinds of sexuality and relationships).

Love

Still together with the boyfriend. There were some problems around the summer, but we solved them, and now we’re better than ever. And our future plans are getting more and more shape. Our relationship also became a bit more open this year, on our way to something more polyamourous. I also had a few crushes, and kissed a girl. Or two XD Nothing really substantial came from that, relationshipwise, but it was quite note-worthy nevertheless.

Spirituality

I wanted to start meditating more this year, so I recently did a short course, which was quite nice. I still don’t do it as often as I would like though… Also, I joined a internet-forum which has a down to earth view on spirituality to have some extra primer to muse on certain things. I’d like to get more into some non-fuzzy paganism, I think. Living closer to nature really appeals to me, especially foodwise, but also just in having more attention to the cycles of the seasons.

Music

I got more into medieval stuff, although I can’t name any bands, it’s more the style in general that really started to appeal to me. No new bands discovered this year, although I did get more into Sabaton, Turisas and Kate Nash than before.

My favourite performance of this year was Anathema, in my “own” venue. That concert kicked ass. They played all the favourites, came back twice after leaving, and the atmosphere was amazing.

Sex/bdsm

Relatively non-existent this year. I have never gone this long without intercourse since my first time at 16. This year I acknowledged I was raped by my ex-boyfriend Viking, and I started a very slow healing process, to heal all the hurt that was caused when people stepped over my boundaries. Bdsm came a bit back into my life, although it is still nowhere as important as it used to be. There are still a lot of fears to be conquered before all goes well in that area again.

Stuff that should be mentioned but did  not fit in any of the other categories

– I moved from a very sucky place to a much nicer place. Although it is a bit smaller, my landlord is way nicer than my former landlady. A relatively small change, that affected my life in a very positive sense.

– (Juice)fasting is not nice, and only makes me think about food. I am never going to try that again…

– More food-related stuff: I started eating meat again, after being a vegetarian for 11 years. I missed meat, but especially fish, a lot, and decided that that craving was too large to be ignored. I still don’t eat huge quantities of meat, and usually only when I’m at someone else’s place or at a restaurant.

Resolutions

I don’t really do resolutions, because I try to change stuff if I come across it during the year, not just at one point every 365 days. But well, since it is sort of obligatory:

– more meditation. My goal is to meditate daily (be it 5 minutes or a full hour), to be achieved before summer.

– paying more attention to my energy-level. I tend to overdo it, because there are so many amazing people and nice things to do in life. This goal is best operationalized as more time for myself without having to have to do stuff: each week, one day without appointments (may be a university-day).

– get (more) in touch with my sexual self again: there is some sort of plan now, the Master’s and Johnson approach, but now we (the boyfriend and I) need time and space to actually follow up on this plan. Which makes it very much connected with the goal before this one: more time for myself is more space in my head is more room for my sexuality

– Write more, for self-reflection, for my dairy, for my blog, poetry, stories, etc. No clear operationalized goal or deadline here, since that will decrease my creativity more than it will benefit from that.

– Spend less time behind the computer and read more, and cook/bake more. Which is also related to the energy-level goal, since the interwebs can grab you and take away all your energy. Mwahahaha!

Comments (1) »

« Previous entries
Next Page »