Archive for November, 2009

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The boyfriend is the sweetest and nicest boyfriend ever in the whole world! He read yesterday’s blogpost, and decided he wanted to do something to make me feel better, but that’s always difficult when there’s more than 600km in between…
So he wanted to send me flowers, through an online service, and he had picked out something nice and pretty and it was almost on it’s way…

… until he found out you needed a credit-card to pay for it šŸ˜¦

But the idea was so amazingly loving and caring, that it made me feel all warm and fuzzy when he told me. Yay boyfriend!

 

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I almost feel like a cartoon character with those clouds above it’s head.

The past days, maybe even the past weeks, I have been feelings physically tired and mentally depressed. Those two are probably related, maybe by mediation of the days getting shorter, I’m not precisely sure.

The depressed feelings are literally clouded. They make me lose my focus, lose my self-confidence, my reasoned judgement. They fuelled my post about jealousy, they even make me doubt my own abilities sometimes. The world is just a tad bit darker when I am in a mood like this.

Weirdly enough, making good progress on my master thesis and all the things surrounding that, make me feel a lot better. Which shows me that it probably not only the darker days that make me feel dark, but that stress also plays a major role in this. Working hard -> more stuff done -> less feelings of stress. But the relief usually does not last very long, sadly enough.

I’m not sure yet how I’m going to deal with this. Because how I’m dealing with this now obviously is not working, since the down and grumpy feelings rather seem to be increasing than decreasing. Taking even better care of myself, more focus on what feels good, more focus on what I really want. Too bad that in my clouded mind everything seems bland and relatively uninteresting…

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A new focus point.

Breathing through my vagina.How ridiculous that may sound, that is the suggestion I got yesterday from my sexologist, to get more in touch with my sexual side again.

Because I do feel like I’ve lost that. I just don’t feel sexual, I don’t get aroused and I feel completely stuck. When that feeling got really strong last weekend, the boyfriend was amazingly sweet and comforting. Telling meĀ  that it’s normal that desire fluctuates, and that without initiative (from both sides) it was even less strange that I did not feel like sex. Although that helped a bit a at the moment, the helpless feeling did not change. Also because I did execute the plan we had and it did not do anything. Apparently feelings of sadness only follows penetration when it takes place in a sexual context.

So the visit yesterday was timed quite well, because usually I feel quite positive when going to a therapist, and this time I felt really grumpy. So we talked. I could rant about all the (other) stressors in my life, about that I’m sick of not being able to have sex (it has almost been a year, dammit!), that I want to be done with this, and that I really don’t know what to do anymore.

And because she knows I try to meditate regularly, she advised me to “breathe trough my vagina”. Or, phrased differently, instead of puttingĀ  my focus point in my belly (which is quite common in meditation), my pocus pointĀ  should be a bit lower. It makes a lot of sense to me, and it gives me a bit of hope. Maybe everything can still be turned around.

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The “problem” with polyamoureus groups of friends.

Having a polyamoureus friendsgroup makes for new kinds of jealousy.

I am not a very jealous person when it comes to my friends, usually. I have a few separate groups of friends, and within those groups there are more meetings with the persons in the group one on one, than meetings of the complete group. I like it that there is not one middle-point-person in all of these groups, that there are multiple links from one to another. Sometimes I do find it a bit difficult if one friend of one group meets more with another friend of that one group very often, but that usually means that I just want to see that other friend more often too, and that’sĀ  most of the time just one phonecall or text message away.

But with my group of polyamoureus friends and acquintances it’s a whole different story, because for some reason they all seem to be hitting on each-other and kissing each-other and everything, and I am not included in that. Now that makes me jealous. It’s not that I blame them, because the people I know tend to be nice, so of course they want to be close together. It’s not that I want to be intimate with all of those people either, but the fact that I just seem to be completely forgotten and overlooked, is kind of painful. Maybe it is because I don’t see them all that often, maybe it is because they know that my relationship is not completely open, but the reason that pops up in my (sometimes very insecure) mind the strongest, is that I’m just not nice enough.

Most likely this is all bullshit. And most likely it is similar to the “want for more contact”-jealousy that I sometimes feel with the friends out of other groups, despite that this feels more mean and ugly. So most likely I’ll feel much better if I have met friends out of that polyamoureus group again. Be there kissing or not.

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