Posts tagged the boyfriend

Poly development. Or: The lack of a little black book becomes apparent.

Lately the boyfriend and I had a couple of difficult talks. The deadline, of which we talked about before, has been eliminated. We both saw that how we were doings things now, did not have any results. We have not have sex for 17 months, which is very long. And there does not seem to be any progress, which is not for lack of trying from the both of us.

So now I have freedom. Nothing has happened yet, and I don’t know if anything will happen in the near future, because I don’t have many easily available options. Maybe I’ll try to go out more (there seems to be a gay sauna in the neighbourhood, which has mixed evenings every once in a while), maybe I’ll try finding someone online (hmm, changing my OkCupid account to more available might not be a bad idea), maybe I’ll try to meet up with nice guys from the past (although their number is very small, and the nicest candidate turned monogamous, sadly enough).

Anyone any tips on increasing the size of my little black book?

And not just with male options?

got the picture from here, and yeah, the comments are quite offensive and stupid, but the brochure is great!


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Activism yay!

Next year (which starts after summer, counting in study-years) is going to be different. Yesterday I heard I’ll be on the board of the local student union. I was pretty nervous about this, because it is something I really want to do, and there was always the possibility they would have found someone else for the job. But I got it. It is a full time function, and I’ll probably be vice-chair. Next year will therefore be full of working together with amazing people (2 of the 4 other  people on the board I already know, and they’re from our local action committee, that I managed the past 6 months), learning new skills, learning a whole lot more about myself, and loads of activism for the good cause of high quality and widely accessible education. And of course for enough housing for students, a green campus (both in the tree, as in durability), and attention to possible discrimination of minorities.

So for now it is finishing my thesis (the first version is nearing it’s end, and the results are significant, yay!), getting a job for the summer (almost achieved, I’ll have a short interview in 1.5 weeks to be a postman for a month), and finding a nice, small, apartment for just me (hopefully achieved just before summer, which seems doable, since I am high on the list with some apartments I react on). And really putting some effort in becoming sexual again. Writing about sex and bdsm again. And not just writing, although I am certain that will helpt, but also experimenting again, but with and without the boyfriend. Both with women and with men.

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Poly plans.

If you have read my last post, you know I am very busy with the free/restricted dichotomy. This also extended itself to my relationship. I wanted more freedom! Sex with women, but mostly sex with men! Because that was the one thing that I could not do, and that was very difficult for me.

It was a boundary from the boyfriend, and a boundary I did follow, but one that even after a few months did not feel right to me. Especially after I realised more and more that if I would start a new relationship right now, I would never consent to monogamy. I don’t want to discriminate between who I like and might  want to be intimate on the base of sex or gender: I want to do that on the base of who I like and/or find attractive or not.

Besides wanting to feel freedom, there was also something else connected to the “sex with other men”-thing. The boyfriend and I have not had sex (as in ‘fucking’) since January 2009. Yes, that means we did not have sex for 16 months now. We ware progressing, but we’re moving very slow, especially when you count in the fact that my libido has quote returned since a couple of weeks. There is still much fear left, but also lots of habit. I reasoned that with someone else, someone I trust and probably had slept with before, that would be easier to break through. Also, when it did not go well, it would not immediately have an impact on the relationship between the boyfriend and me, but if the experience was positive it would probably be easier to cross that boundary with the boyfriend as well.

The boyfriend had a different reasoning, which is also part of him having problems with me having sex with other men. He feels that when I have sex with someone else, sex will become something I do with others and not with him, and thus make it more difficult to have sex with him again. The complete opposite of my reasoning, as you can see.

I wanted a deadline. I don’t want to be in a gender-monogamous relationship, nor do I want to go over the boyfriend’s boundaries, since he is very important to me. There was clearly a problem there. So we got ourselves a deadline for when we go over from ‘his plan’ to ‘my plan’ (after thorough discussion of course, which might lead to a completely different plan altogether) really was necessary for me to feel some space ans calm of mind again. It is set at august 2010. Now I know when I can (sort of) expect things to change. And until then we are going to try even harder to get everything sexual to work between us again.

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Posted for truth

And this is probably also one of the reasons why sex with the boyfriend has gotten more and more difficult over the months. By not having sex, and by having issues over having sex, it has gotten Serious. And sex should be fun, and light and enjoyable.

Sometimes we get the spirit back. When he was counting my boobs (he got to 20 or something: *touching left boob* one, *touching right boob* two, *touching left boob* three, *touching right boob* four, etcetera). He turned out to have three penises 😉

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Another poly up-date… for the boyfriend

I always was the one in the relationship with the boyfriend that wanted to date others. He always found that idea more difficult, because of some deeply ingrained idea of cheating, and because of uncertainties on how to go about hitting on someone. However, suddenly there is quite a chance that the boyfriend will go on a date somewhere in the coming weeks.

At a concert a few weeks ago, he re-met someone he had a short (sexual) fling with about 8 years ago. They talked a bit, but she was busy working at the bar, so he got her number, and planned on calling her to go out for a drink. It took some courage to actually call her, and when he finally did, she did not pick up. That was one week ago, and he called her again last weekend, but she did not pick up again. I hope she calls him back soon.

The idea of him going on a date is a bit scary on the one hand, but very exciting on the other. She does not know about me or our poly-situation yet. It will be the first time he tells that to someone he is interested in. I am curious how this talk will go. If it will go as difficult as he thinks, or as easy as I think it could go, if she really is as interesting as he feels she is. I mean, somewhat kinky girls, who walk around in alternative scenes, tend to be relatively accepting of less common relationship-types. The scaryness of it all, comes from the fact that this is a completely new situation: I have never had a partner who also has relations, sexual or otherwise, without me. But besides that, the idea of someone else hitting on my boyfriend, and of him hitting on her, is even somewhat sexually arousing for me. I hope this feeling stays when their date comes about.

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An intense week.

This week is a weird week. First, there was this evening where out of nowhere there was some bdsm-ish play between me and India-girl. It made me feel happy and giddy for a couple days. Then there was the death-day of my sister, who died seven years ago after a car-accident. That same day I got a call from my father, who told me that my grandmother, 88 years old, had passed away. As planned weeks before, the boyfriend came over, which made for some much needed comfort. We still followed up on our plan to try out some bondage with a friend of ours. It was quite intense and emotional for the both of us. This morning I felt very uncertain about our relationship, but that was resolved after some good talking. Unrelated to that little crisis, I asked him to go home, because I prefer to deal with the pain and grief about my grandmother by myself.

This week my emotions went from extremely happy and hyper, to completely and utterly sad. I do think I dealt with all of it relatively well, staying close to what I felt, and acting what was best for me at any given moment. It also was, and still is, tiring as hell. I am planning to create some extra rest the next couple of days, with lots of reflection and possibly lots of writing.

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My two cents in the whole abortion discussion.

This is reaction to the post on abortion of the boyfriend which is a reaction to the post of Britni.

I do have a strong intuitive feeling on abortion: it is the choice of the woman, since it is her body the fetus will be growing in. It is her body that will have to go through all the problems a pregnancy may bring, and last but not least, the birth itself. Only for this reason, setting all the “it’s better for the sake of the child”-arguments aside, the women has the only right to choose what is best for her. If she chooses to take the possible future life of the fetus into account, that is her choice. If she chooses to give the possible father a voice in the matter, that is her choice. Ultimately, it is her body that has to go trough everything, so it’s her choice.

For me, there also is not much of a moral problem. When the pregnancy is under 20 weeks (or was is 24? well, something like that) the fetus can not survive if it would been born*. So, for me, it does not count as a person, since it has no chance on surviving, even with medical care. Abortion is not a problem there, and cannot be called “killing”, because I don’t feel like you can call something “killing” if it can not be alive by itself. After those weeks have passed, however, abortion is not an option any more. Luckily, usually women do realise before that time they might be pregnant (although the stories of exceptions on that, can be quite sad).

So, here is my stance on this. I do hope I never have to make that choice, because even when I am quite clear on where I stand rationally, emotionally it is probably one of the hardest ones someone can ever make. Although that has also to do with “blaming” women for having abortions, and the taboo on talking about being happy that you had one. Getting rid of that line of thought, together with that pregnancy and birth is happy happy joy joy, is very needed.

Image from radical rags

*I do see the problem here that medical discoveries can be made, that would make fetuses be able to stay alive after a shorter gestational period. That would make the time frame in which a women can choose to have an abortion shorter, if you follow my reasoning. At this moment however, this feels like a reasonable boundary for me, both in the time women have to discover they’re pregnant and make the choice for abortion or not, and because this is how the state of medical care, at the moment. I might have to revise my argument, if medical discoveries indeed follow that path, but we are not there yet.

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