Archive for August, 2009

Short update on weight and such.

I decided I wanted to continue to lose some weight. When I got back from the boyfriend last week, I weighed 77kg (169.8 lbs). I had already stopped putting suger in my coffee, and now I also started to put (even more)  effort in eating healthy, especially in snacks between meals, because my main meals usually are quite healthy, also when I’m not actively trying to lose weight. I am allowing myself to “go wild” about once a week, on cake or whatever else nice I feel like, because else I don’t think I can make this healthy lifestyle really my own. (and because I love baking cakes and such, and else I would not be able to make a huge chocolate cake next week, with a filling of orange-curd and a layer of ganache over it ;))

And of course, when I’m not at the boyfriend, I do a lot of cycling, so that has probably also contributed that this morning I weighed about 75.5kg (166.4 lbs). A quick-start! Now I only have to buy batteries for my digital scale, because the analogue one I’m using now, is not very accurate.

Talking about the boyfriend, he also decided he really wants to lose some weight (he’s not the lightest guy around, and had gained a bit more the past months), so he’s going back to the gym regularly, and is going to try to eat healthier. He even got Weight-Watchers information! Go him! *cheers*

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How darkrooms can get you thinking…

Something I did not mention about the party the boyfriend and I attended, was that they had a darkroom there. Even more amazingly: they had two! One for singles, and one for couples, where singles (especially single men) were explicitly forbidden. There were even emergency-buttons, that when a singly men would enter uninvited, someone of the staff would come to kick the guy out. That is a huge difference between other parties I’ve been to, where single men, even when they did not touch me uninvited, could be quite annoying.

It also made me realise how much my sexuality has changed over the past time. Two years ago I was slowly getting into doing sexual things with others than my dominant of that time. We never continued that process because our D/s ended, but I still had my gangbang-fantasies*, wanted to try out a swingers-club one day, and loved acting quite exhibitionistic. The darkroom at this club, especially the couple’s one with nice beds and such, would have been wonderful to 2007-me.

I really hope I’ll get there again. At this moment I still feel as in the last paragraph of this post, and it does not seem to be changing one bit. Not even with the positive development in the bdsm-area, and the fact that kissing (with tongue!) has become a normal act again. Tomorrow I’ll see the sexologist again, and I hope we’ll start on some more practical stuff that’ll hopefully help me to continue in the right direction again, instead of just standing still.

*I’ll let you in on what is still my favourite gangbang idea. Ingredients: Me, with a blindfold, preferably in a sling, but a bed is fine too), a couple of guys I have had sex with before (I think I could get at least three guys for that category, maybe even more), my current partner, and one or two guys I never had sex with (maybe even a girl with a strap-on, that would be fun). They fuck me in random order (or let my suck their cock, like I care ;)), and I have to determine who is who, and who is/are the mystery guy(s).

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The unsolvable bdsm-problem: solved!

1: At this moment, I need to be in control of my sexuality and everything related to it.

2: Bdsm is related to my sexuality.

3: I want/need to have a bdsm-scene every once in a while.

You see the problem.

I do believe this one is from xkcd.com, but I cant find the original link...

I do believe this one is from xkcd.com, but I can't find the original link...

And I think we solved it, the boyfriend and I. The past half year, before the past two weeks, there was not much play. We had played relatively often and intense in the beginning of our relationship, and there were even some ongoing rules, but the boyfriend getting scared of doing stuff wrong and me losing all sexual interest was the recipe for (almost) no bdsm-stuff.

Where in the beginning I would really long for a scene and get a bit grumpy and emotionally unstable when the last time was getting too long ago (also called “bouncing” or “bouncy” in my vocabulary), I now got completely over that stage, and there was not even a little craving for a bdsm-scene left.

But slowly this returned, very slowly. The past weeks I sometimes fantasize about being hit, being caned even, and I hate canes. At least my masochistic side seemed to be returning! In the time I spent at his place, I sometimes asked for things, for specific acts, like the bondage, a short spanking, and last night just a request to be beaten up. We also played at a bit at the party. The reason this worked, is that I feel very in control of what happens. I ask of him something that I’ll like (although the boyfriend could also ask me for a specific act, but he feels not confident enough in this recent bdsm-development to do that), which creates very specific boundaries, and I communicate a lot. About what feels nice, what is out of my comfort-zone but not too bad, what is almost getting too much, and of course when boundaries are being crossed.

People might not call this bdsm anymore, because I, as the submissive, have way more control than the dominant, but at this moment this really works for us. The boyfriend gets to practice his hitting-skills with several instruments and learns how I work, and I get used to giving up control and that that is no guaranteed recipe for disaster. I do actively stop myself from feeling very subby, because that means giving over control to the other. Over time I’ll probably give up more control, by creating more space between my boundaries, and allow myself to feel more subby again, which will probably be a slow process. But we’ve started, and we feel very positive about all of it.

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TMI Tuesday #200

1. What is the longest you have been in a monogamous sexual relationship? [For the purpose of this question monogamous is defined as no sexual partners that your significant other does (did) not know about.]

20 months, and I did that twice, in the period from 16 till 20. Right now my monogamous relationship had lasted one year, and half a month.


2. If your current relationship would fail, do you have a back-up for physical or emotional comfort?

Emotional comfort: yes, I have friends, several of which are very very dear to me, and they would provide more emotional comfort than I would ever need.

Physical comfort: There are some people on the edges of my life, that I probably could call when I wanted sex. And from experience I know that it is not very difficult for me to get sexual attention from guys when I feel like it. I just doubt that I’ll want that if the boyfriend and I would break up, I would want that, taking into account my sexual problems.

And as far as hugs and cuddles go, the good friends mentioned above would be able to provide in that too. I have very cuddly friends XD

3. Can you be “just friends” with someone when there is an unrequited sexual attraction?

I think I can, since this is about unrequited sexual attraction and not love. The latter would be way more difficult, although I know I can indulge in feeling in love, without bothering anyone with it (except maybe the boyfriend, who would not like it if I really fell in love with someone, even if it was unrequited). Unrequited sexual attraction would probably lead to sometimes fantasizing about that person, but that would have no effect on the friendship (at least, not on my side).

4. In a assumed monogamous sexual relationship have you ever cheated, been cheated upon or been a knowing third party to the infidelity? [For the purpose of this question monogamous is defined as no sexual partners that a significant other does (did) not know about.]

I have never been cheated on, at least, not as far as I know of. I once kissed someone else when I was in a relationship. To which I must add that the day after I broke up with the guy I had the relationship with, and started something with the guy I had kissed the day before. This made me feel so bad, and it was thrown in my face (by the new boyfriend, the asshole-ex) so often, even more than a year after, that I decided to never cheat again. And I haven’t.

5. Historically, what has caused the most arguments in your relationships?

I would say that is a close tie between polyamory, and me having doubts to as far I can commit to a steady future (like living together) of the relationship of me and the boyfriend.

Bonus (as in optional):What do you want from a partner in a long term relationship?

I want trust and confidence, mutual trust and confidence, and openness and honesty. I want to take part in that persons life, and not just stand at the sideline, and I want that person to want to take part in my life too. Although I would like to see the intertwining of lives to increase over time, I also want certain levels of freedom, and my own space, and my partner should be able to give me that, without compromising his or her own wishes. And I want to have a good time with that person, because if the bad stuff starts to outweigh the good stuff (with no hope of things getting better, or when the price for that is too large), the relationship is not healthy any more, and should be ended.

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The fetish-party.

Saturday evening, me and the boyfriend went to a fetish/bdsm/play-party, at an amazing location. It was our first time at that specific location, and the boyfriend’s first time at a party with dresscode (we had been to two more more casual parties before, which were more aimed at talking and socializing although there was also space to play).

So off we went, in our fetish-gear, into unknown territory. And the territory was quite pretty and extremely large. Two floors, lots of rooms (also small ones that you could lock for private purposes), lots of places just sit and talk or watch others, lots of playground. At the ground flour the dj played stuff ranging from pop, to 80’s, to metal; in the cellar mostly techno-stuff was played, but there were also many places where it was relatively silent. We both loved the ‘gentlemen’s room” most. This was a large, rectangular room, with chesterfield-like chairs and couches on the side, placed on a sort of platform, so the chairs were about 50cm higher than the floor. There was also space for pillows, so people (read: submissives) could sit by the feet of other people (read: dominants). In the middle there was a pool-table, which I suppose is rarely used for a game of pool, and there was also a large cage, which had the same height as the pool-table, so it was relatively low.

The party and the location also had the effect on us that we hoped for: it brought us in the mood to do some play-stuff again. So there was some  pulling of hair, grabbing  of throats, sitting at his feet, a bit of wrist-bondage (the same as in this post, but with black rope), a short spanking (both with hands and paddle), scratching of his nails on my arm and back (he keeps his nails long and sharp for only that reason) and lots of kissing.

The nicest thing of the evening was when we dat in the gentlemen’s room and he used the ice-cubes from his drink to cool my cleavage and back… Cold! And really hot at the same time. On the festival where we fell in love one year ago, we had also toyed around with icecubes, qand even though we that was not in a bdsm-context (although in our heads it was, I think), it did have quite an effect on both of us. There had been no opportunities to play with icecubes again, so this was a wonderful re-experience of that sensation, both physically and mentally.

I also got an ego-boost, sort of, when I was very obviously being hit on by someone. The boyfriend was at the toilet, and I waited outside. A guy asked me who I was waiting for, and we had some random conversation about where we were from, that he knew the town I lived in, etcetera. The boyfriend came out again, and then the questions came: what kind of things we were into, who the dominant partner was, stuff like that. He had apparantly missed my wristbondage, so when I held my arms up and said that, he replied that he had been looking into my eyes and saw prettyness in there… I replied that I found that hard to believe since it was quite dark where we were standing 😛 He did sit down next to us when we had found a chair somewhere, but I focussed on the boyfriend and ignored him, and after a while he left. Next time I really have to be more direct with guys like that, although I thought my reply at is very obvious pass at me and the fact we left him after that, should have been signs enough. But I did feel flattered by it, a bit 🙂

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Under pressure!

I feel easily pressured. This obviously shows in feeling easily stressed; I feel stressed even when I rationally know that the stuff I have to do, can be done in less than half the time I have for it. I am working on that, especially by creating more rest in my head in general, meditating for example (I’m even going to do a meditation-course in september, to learn more/better techniques). Although feeling pressured in a work/study-atmosphere is not nice, it is something I can work with, and I learn to deal with it  better and better over time.

I also have it in the relationship with the boyfriend, and there is it more difficult to get around it. Because of experiences of the past I am afraid to lose myself in a relationship. I used to give up my complete own life for my primary partner, and I found out that hard way that that is not the right way to go (there is a reason the asshole-ex is called the asshole-ex ;)). Now I am overly protective of my boundaries. For example, we planned on moving together in a year (summer 2010, when we would be together for 2 years), and therefore search for jobs in the same area. For the past weeks, that idea scared the hell out of me. I don’t know what I want in a year, I don’t know if I want to live together, I don’t know if I want to follow my boyfriend (since he’ll probably have a PhD-position before me, since he’ll start searching earlier). I felt pressured by the talks we had in the past about it, that we know should do this, that there was no other option left.

We worked this out of, course (he is just going to look for a PhD where-ever he likes, and then we’ll just see what we’ll do when the time comes), but it did cause me quite the stress and worry for a couple of days. Which is not good for me, but also not for our relationship. It seem like pressure (from relationship-shit)-> grumpy and distant me -> even more relationship-problem-shit. I did find out however, that meditation works out here too: it gets my mind more focussed, and me more relaxed in general (we had our “job and moving”-discussion after I had been alone for a while and had meditated a bit). The stress was not completely gone, but after actively trying to feel my (negative and sad) emotions, the pressure was suddenly gone. So here is certainly hope for improvement in the future.

The whole sex-issue is another point here. Although the boyfriend is extremely sweet and accepting that I don’t feel like sex (in the broad definition, including naked stroking and such), I still feel pressured. I feel like I should want sex, because that is what you want in a relationship, and more importantly, that is who I was: the person who always wanted sex.

And lately, I haven’t felt like sex at all. I get aroused, I like to have orgasms and even watch porn a bit (as long as it is girl-girl porn, of just women who have orgasms), but it’s a private thing. Sometimes I do fantasize about sex (while masturbating,I rarely “just fantasize), but I don’t feel like really doing it. And the pressure I create myself, although I try not to, doesn’t make this much easier. And I don’t feel like “just” meditation or actively processing feelings can help here. I am going to ask my sexologist about this of course (I’ll see her again in two weeks), but if anyone else has advise, I’d love to hear it!

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Sauna!

Pretty saunaOn wednesday, the boyfriend and I went to the sauna. It was amazingly nice and relaxing.

First we spend some time at the large swimming pool which is separate from the sauna-complex. It was busy, but not as busy as we would have expected with the nice weather and the fact that it is holiday-season at the moment, so all kids are free from school. After some searching, we found two nice chairs in the sun, and we swam for a little while (the water was cold) and went on the slides (yay! Acting like a five year old is so nice sometimes!). We dried up in the sun,  read a bit, and the boyfriend used his brought philosophy to cover his eyes from the sun and dozed (philosophy is so useful :P).

After an hour or two and a bit more swimming, we went over to the sauna-complex, got naked and went into the ‘normal’ sauna (about 75 C° and not very moist). I feel quite ambiguous about  the cold water you have to cool yourself with afterwards: it’s so cold! But also so nice! Too bad that a few of the showers did not work for some strange reason, including the “ice-rain” which is basically a huge shower-head which creates a sort of rain-effect, which is extremely nice after you have cooled yourself down a bit with a hose.

We also walked around outside (naked, which still feels a bit weird, nakedness inside is quite normal, but outside is something else), and it was very calm and peaceful there. And full of men. It was so strange, I think I saw 4 women the whole time we were there (about 3 hours), and at least 30 different men. And I was by far the youngest women around, but that did not bother me so much. Sauna’s really show you that nakedness is not about sexuality at all. Something has to happen before naked == sex.

There was more reading, a short time in the bubble-bath, a nice cup of latte machiato and another sauna-round. This time in the “softsauna”, which is a bit like a Finnish sauna, only a bit “colder” ,only 65 C°. We both didn’t like that one that much, we preferred the normal one. I think next time we are going in the Finnish one as well, which has a 95 C° temperature.

We might go again next week, when we’re back from the metal-festival we’re going to. Getting clean and relaxed before I have to go to my own place again.

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