Archive for March, 2010

Poly plans.

If you have read my last post, you know I am very busy with the free/restricted dichotomy. This also extended itself to my relationship. I wanted more freedom! Sex with women, but mostly sex with men! Because that was the one thing that I could not do, and that was very difficult for me.

It was a boundary from the boyfriend, and a boundary I did follow, but one that even after a few months did not feel right to me. Especially after I realised more and more that if I would start a new relationship right now, I would never consent to monogamy. I don’t want to discriminate between who I like and might  want to be intimate on the base of sex or gender: I want to do that on the base of who I like and/or find attractive or not.

Besides wanting to feel freedom, there was also something else connected to the “sex with other men”-thing. The boyfriend and I have not had sex (as in ‘fucking’) since January 2009. Yes, that means we did not have sex for 16 months now. We ware progressing, but we’re moving very slow, especially when you count in the fact that my libido has quote returned since a couple of weeks. There is still much fear left, but also lots of habit. I reasoned that with someone else, someone I trust and probably had slept with before, that would be easier to break through. Also, when it did not go well, it would not immediately have an impact on the relationship between the boyfriend and me, but if the experience was positive it would probably be easier to cross that boundary with the boyfriend as well.

The boyfriend had a different reasoning, which is also part of him having problems with me having sex with other men. He feels that when I have sex with someone else, sex will become something I do with others and not with him, and thus make it more difficult to have sex with him again. The complete opposite of my reasoning, as you can see.

I wanted a deadline. I don’t want to be in a gender-monogamous relationship, nor do I want to go over the boyfriend’s boundaries, since he is very important to me. There was clearly a problem there. So we got ourselves a deadline for when we go over from ‘his plan’ to ‘my plan’ (after thorough discussion of course, which might lead to a completely different plan altogether) really was necessary for me to feel some space ans calm of mind again. It is set at august 2010. Now I know when I can (sort of) expect things to change. And until then we are going to try even harder to get everything sexual to work between us again.

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Balancing plans.

I want a rhythm in my days.

I want freedom and unpredictability.

I want to make plans for the future.

I want to take each day as it comes.

I want peace of mind and quietness.

I want to socialize and meet all the nice and lovable people in my life very often.

I want to create a home, my home.

I want to see the world, experience other countries and cultures.

I want to be creative and explore new talents.

I am finding a balance. The short term plans include starting on my thesis, getting up a bit earlier again and get busy in the morning, and have a couple of hours each week where randomness can take over.

Longer term plans include being in the chair of our local student union for a year, and in that year finding out if I can do research on sexuality for a non-profit organization, or become a life coach of some sort. But these longer term long-term-plans can change as time sees fit.

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I’ve got a new term to identify with!

The past weeks (with all the events with India-girl and my first suspension experience) really made me think about how I experience bdsm at the moment, and what kind of submissive I am. When I started with bdsm I identified as a submissive, which meant for me that I liked the whole spectrum of BDSM, and that I was always a bit subservient to my dominant. I never really aimed at TPE or 24/7, but I liked some kind of a ongoing powerrelation, however light at times.

After the rape, and after I decided (first subconsciously and later consciously) that for now I only want to submit by choice of that moment, I started to identify more as a bottom. I wanted pain and bondage and other play things, but no power exchange outside of a scene. Instead of something deeply felt inside, the dom/sub-mindset became more of a roleplay.

I never saw myself as a bratty sub. I tend to do what I am told, and be completely happy with that, and won’t directly disobey orders (except when they go over my boundaries of that time, of course). However, I do make witty comments, push my dominant a little by teasing or tickling. Also, I tend to whine when ‘mean stuff’ is being done to me. I like the mean stuff of course, else I would not participate, but feeling sorry for myself, pouting a bit and being teased with that is a kind of ‘roleplay’ that really works for me at the moment. I fall into this behaviour almost automatically, and feels it very comfortable, fitting and nice.

When talking with Dancer (a friend of mine, who is quite into bondage, and into dancing) on the evening of my first suspension, he mentioned the term SAM: Smart Ass Masochist. Although I like pain, and I am a masochist, this is not a term that I use to label myself, the term did not fit completely. Suddenly all things fell into place, and a new term was born: SAB, Smart Ass Bottom. And it fits like a glove. Or a tight, restraining rope-harness 😉

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Posted for truth

And this is probably also one of the reasons why sex with the boyfriend has gotten more and more difficult over the months. By not having sex, and by having issues over having sex, it has gotten Serious. And sex should be fun, and light and enjoyable.

Sometimes we get the spirit back. When he was counting my boobs (he got to 20 or something: *touching left boob* one, *touching right boob* two, *touching left boob* three, *touching right boob* four, etcetera). He turned out to have three penises 😉

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Another poly up-date… for the boyfriend

I always was the one in the relationship with the boyfriend that wanted to date others. He always found that idea more difficult, because of some deeply ingrained idea of cheating, and because of uncertainties on how to go about hitting on someone. However, suddenly there is quite a chance that the boyfriend will go on a date somewhere in the coming weeks.

At a concert a few weeks ago, he re-met someone he had a short (sexual) fling with about 8 years ago. They talked a bit, but she was busy working at the bar, so he got her number, and planned on calling her to go out for a drink. It took some courage to actually call her, and when he finally did, she did not pick up. That was one week ago, and he called her again last weekend, but she did not pick up again. I hope she calls him back soon.

The idea of him going on a date is a bit scary on the one hand, but very exciting on the other. She does not know about me or our poly-situation yet. It will be the first time he tells that to someone he is interested in. I am curious how this talk will go. If it will go as difficult as he thinks, or as easy as I think it could go, if she really is as interesting as he feels she is. I mean, somewhat kinky girls, who walk around in alternative scenes, tend to be relatively accepting of less common relationship-types. The scaryness of it all, comes from the fact that this is a completely new situation: I have never had a partner who also has relations, sexual or otherwise, without me. But besides that, the idea of someone else hitting on my boyfriend, and of him hitting on her, is even somewhat sexually arousing for me. I hope this feeling stays when their date comes about.

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Unexpected bdsm.

The afterparty of a big meeting of a group of poly people. The people who keep lingering are not just poly, but also into bdsm. You bind my wrists together, to see what effect is has on me, since I mentioned that ‘just a little rope makes me go fuzzy’. The discovery that you can now take me around the room with me just following, seems to be very exciting to you. You bind me to the fridge in the corner of the room, to the bicycle pump, to a pot of milk on the stove. I have to kneel, to sit straight, which is remarkably difficult if the situation is so absurd and unexpected that I can only get into steeps of laughter.

Somewhere in between the bicycle pump and mentioning of a cardboard box (usually used for moving, but also effective in bdsm-play, as I am about to find out) I decide that this is a game deserved to be played out. You are the ordering party, and I am the ordered.

The box, yes the box. In which I end up with my head and shoulders, on my hand and knees, with my butt sticking out. Very elegant. With an icecube on the bare piece of my back. You make me guess what it is, and I name every kind of food that could possibly have come from the fridge of a vegetarian. I try not to think too much about the position I am in. There are four other people in the room besides us, and although I see two of those as friends, and the other two seem nice enough as well, this is a humiliating position. Although this would probably have induced the same feelings if we would have been just the two of us. I’m not sure if you shove the embarrassment in my face a bit more, but it would have fit the pattern.

I mention it to you when my legs start to hurt. You remove the box, take me to the couch. You seem surprised with my fuzzy-ness. I cuddle up to you, wanting some comfort, which you provide. You bring me a glass of water, ‘because else I can’t put her in a box any more’.

Throughout the rest of the evening you keep me close, and I you. Cuddles, little kisses, a bite in my neck when I don’t expect it, some slight hair-pulling. It all feels very warm and safe.

The evening ends with fuzzy, happy feelings. And those were not just there because of the slight powerdynamic that happen between us.

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