Posts tagged bisexuality

Poly development. Or: The lack of a little black book becomes apparent.

Lately the boyfriend and I had a couple of difficult talks. The deadline, of which we talked about before, has been eliminated. We both saw that how we were doings things now, did not have any results. We have not have sex for 17 months, which is very long. And there does not seem to be any progress, which is not for lack of trying from the both of us.

So now I have freedom. Nothing has happened yet, and I don’t know if anything will happen in the near future, because I don’t have many easily available options. Maybe I’ll try to go out more (there seems to be a gay sauna in the neighbourhood, which has mixed evenings every once in a while), maybe I’ll try finding someone online (hmm, changing my OkCupid account to more available might not be a bad idea), maybe I’ll try to meet up with nice guys from the past (although their number is very small, and the nicest candidate turned monogamous, sadly enough).

Anyone any tips on increasing the size of my little black book?

And not just with male options?

got the picture from here, and yeah, the comments are quite offensive and stupid, but the brochure is great!


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Unexpected bdsm.

The afterparty of a big meeting of a group of poly people. The people who keep lingering are not just poly, but also into bdsm. You bind my wrists together, to see what effect is has on me, since I mentioned that ‘just a little rope makes me go fuzzy’. The discovery that you can now take me around the room with me just following, seems to be very exciting to you. You bind me to the fridge in the corner of the room, to the bicycle pump, to a pot of milk on the stove. I have to kneel, to sit straight, which is remarkably difficult if the situation is so absurd and unexpected that I can only get into steeps of laughter.

Somewhere in between the bicycle pump and mentioning of a cardboard box (usually used for moving, but also effective in bdsm-play, as I am about to find out) I decide that this is a game deserved to be played out. You are the ordering party, and I am the ordered.

The box, yes the box. In which I end up with my head and shoulders, on my hand and knees, with my butt sticking out. Very elegant. With an icecube on the bare piece of my back. You make me guess what it is, and I name every kind of food that could possibly have come from the fridge of a vegetarian. I try not to think too much about the position I am in. There are four other people in the room besides us, and although I see two of those as friends, and the other two seem nice enough as well, this is a humiliating position. Although this would probably have induced the same feelings if we would have been just the two of us. I’m not sure if you shove the embarrassment in my face a bit more, but it would have fit the pattern.

I mention it to you when my legs start to hurt. You remove the box, take me to the couch. You seem surprised with my fuzzy-ness. I cuddle up to you, wanting some comfort, which you provide. You bring me a glass of water, ‘because else I can’t put her in a box any more’.

Throughout the rest of the evening you keep me close, and I you. Cuddles, little kisses, a bite in my neck when I don’t expect it, some slight hair-pulling. It all feels very warm and safe.

The evening ends with fuzzy, happy feelings. And those were not just there because of the slight powerdynamic that happen between us.

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An intense week.

This week is a weird week. First, there was this evening where out of nowhere there was some bdsm-ish play between me and India-girl. It made me feel happy and giddy for a couple days. Then there was the death-day of my sister, who died seven years ago after a car-accident. That same day I got a call from my father, who told me that my grandmother, 88 years old, had passed away. As planned weeks before, the boyfriend came over, which made for some much needed comfort. We still followed up on our plan to try out some bondage with a friend of ours. It was quite intense and emotional for the both of us. This morning I felt very uncertain about our relationship, but that was resolved after some good talking. Unrelated to that little crisis, I asked him to go home, because I prefer to deal with the pain and grief about my grandmother by myself.

This week my emotions went from extremely happy and hyper, to completely and utterly sad. I do think I dealt with all of it relatively well, staying close to what I felt, and acting what was best for me at any given moment. It also was, and still is, tiring as hell. I am planning to create some extra rest the next couple of days, with lots of reflection and possibly lots of writing.

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My view on sexual orientation.

I think sexual orientation is fluid, and changes over time. Also, it has more components than just sex. It is also about relational aspects and about who you fall in love it.

I see myself as bisexual, because I can fall in love with both men and women. This is my personal definition. For many terms people use to describe themselves, everyone has a personal view on it. Some people see themselves as bisexual when they want to have sex with people of both sexes but only want love relationships with one. Other people feel that some experimenting with the other sex than they usually are sexual with, makes them bisexual. And then I’m not even going into other, even broader and more multi-interpretable terms like ‘pansexual‘ and ‘queer‘ as sexual orientation.

Both these terms I like a lot, and I might use those terms in the future to identify myself. Mostly because I do see the problem that the term ‘bisexual’ assumes a binary view of gender, while there are much more variations than just two.  And I do not care about gender in the people I am attracted to. But I think it might take some more time while walk around in the bisexual community and maybe getting to know people who don’t see themselves falling into the three ‘accepted’ orientations, for me to see that term fitting to me.

And yes, if everyone can define for themselves what a term means to them, the term in itself stops having a pre-defined meaning. You won’t know immediately what the sexual orientation of a person is when that person uses their personal term. But you probably will know what kind of person someone is, because people who call themselves queer will probably look at life differently than people who call themselves heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual.

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What I learned in my absence…

The past three weeks I learned a lot about myself and what I can do.

I learned really long to do lists can be conquered.

I learned I can work together with others as a team, better than I ever imagined.

I learned I can work for 12 days straight, and don’t collapse. Not even needing exorbitant resting time (2 days was enough).

I learned I can do press. I appeared on local and national television, and although there is much to learn, I did quite well.

I learned I am a good organizer (I already knew this, but it was extra confirmed).

I learned I can get myself on top of things, even when I feel down-ish and stressed out.

The past three weeks I learned I rock everyone’s socks!

And on a completely different note, these past weeks I also realised that my sexuality is slowly, very slowly, getting back on track again. I am really not there yet, but there is lots of progress. More kissing, more touching, more feeling sexual, more porn, more actually wanting to have sex again, more desire to date girls. More sock-rocking.

picture from here

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From the land of metaphors: the wave.

I talked about the wave before. Right now, I’m on it. Quite stable, actually, although I almost fell of this afternoon. I started to feel stressed about the busy week that is coming up. A few deadlines for my experiment, articles I have to edit, events I’m volunteering for, friends I’m going to see…

But then I did some meditation, had good food, did some preparation for next week (like making sure my mailbox is empty, that always makes for a good start), and watched about three Gilmore Girls episodes (I’m in season 4 now. Again ;)). I was already relaxed after the meditating, but the rest of the evening filled my battery again, so I next week can be as filled as last week was, without me collapsing.

Because I can. I can work 6 to 8 hours a day at university. I can do two volunteer jobs, and even do some extra stuff for an organization for bisexuality. I can see many people, and have intense interactions with friends, without having to recover a lot.

It’s my wave, I’m moving quickly, but I’m still stable, and capable of pulling myself up again when I start slipping. I know the dangers, where the sharp rocks are, where I can get stranded on a sandbank. But I’m still on here, I’ve learned, I’ve grown, and I feel better than ever.

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