Posts tagged girlfriend

Poly plans.

If you have read my last post, you know I am very busy with the free/restricted dichotomy. This also extended itself to my relationship. I wanted more freedom! Sex with women, but mostly sex with men! Because that was the one thing that I could not do, and that was very difficult for me.

It was a boundary from the boyfriend, and a boundary I did follow, but one that even after a few months did not feel right to me. Especially after I realised more and more that if I would start a new relationship right now, I would never consent to monogamy. I don’t want to discriminate between who I like and might  want to be intimate on the base of sex or gender: I want to do that on the base of who I like and/or find attractive or not.

Besides wanting to feel freedom, there was also something else connected to the “sex with other men”-thing. The boyfriend and I have not had sex (as in ‘fucking’) since January 2009. Yes, that means we did not have sex for 16 months now. We ware progressing, but we’re moving very slow, especially when you count in the fact that my libido has quote returned since a couple of weeks. There is still much fear left, but also lots of habit. I reasoned that with someone else, someone I trust and probably had slept with before, that would be easier to break through. Also, when it did not go well, it would not immediately have an impact on the relationship between the boyfriend and me, but if the experience was positive it would probably be easier to cross that boundary with the boyfriend as well.

The boyfriend had a different reasoning, which is also part of him having problems with me having sex with other men. He feels that when I have sex with someone else, sex will become something I do with others and not with him, and thus make it more difficult to have sex with him again. The complete opposite of my reasoning, as you can see.

I wanted a deadline. I don’t want to be in a gender-monogamous relationship, nor do I want to go over the boyfriend’s boundaries, since he is very important to me. There was clearly a problem there. So we got ourselves a deadline for when we go over from ‘his plan’ to ‘my plan’ (after thorough discussion of course, which might lead to a completely different plan altogether) really was necessary for me to feel some space ans calm of mind again. It is set at august 2010. Now I know when I can (sort of) expect things to change. And until then we are going to try even harder to get everything sexual to work between us again.

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2009 Wrap up

What happened in 2009? What were the changes, the significant events, the goals for next year?

Family

The relationship with my mom stayed the same, good as ever, and the bond with my dad grew a bit stronger, which was a welcome change. He also started to feel happier this year, which is an extremely good thing, after years of being somewhat depressed.

My grandparents moved into a apartment close to a home for elderly this year, after my grandmother had months of being in and out of the hospital. They are really getting old now, not going outside any more, and memory slowly going backwards. Which is not that strange, since they are 88 and 89 years old. It’s already an amazing achievement they managed to live by themselves for all these years.

I also started to get along with my aunt better. She is quite judgemental, which is difficult to deal with sometimes, but I manage to ignore that more and more, and focus on her good sides. We had an amazing weekend in Edinbrough, nicer than most of our weekends away in preceding years.

Friends

I met a lot of new people this year. Some of which I will probably grow closer to and develop a good friendship with in the next year, and some of which will stay at the borders of my life. My old friendships did not get as much attention as I would have liked. One of my friends moved away to another city in the end of 2008, so I saw way less of her than in the years before, and the other ‘university’-friends I also saw less, mostly due to busy schedules on my side. The same goes for my metalfriends. I’m extremely happy I’ll celebrate new year’s eve with them, because I missed them lots the past year.

Work/Study

I started on my master thesis this year, with a very interesting topic: media-influences on gender stereotypes. Everything is going as planned until now, but joining a action-platform against the reducing of funding by the government for education in general and students in particular, will probably cause slight delay next year.

This year I also started more new work-like volunteer things than ever before: I joined the editorial board for a magazine on gender en feminism, and wrote a few pieces for them as well (first time being published, yay!), I became a ticket-control-person for a music venue (best secondary benefits ever: always going to concerts for free, and more than 50% discount on drinks), and on the verge of this year I also started an internet-forum about bisexuality (which might even broaden itself to the topic of all ‘deviant’ kinds of sexuality and relationships).

Love

Still together with the boyfriend. There were some problems around the summer, but we solved them, and now we’re better than ever. And our future plans are getting more and more shape. Our relationship also became a bit more open this year, on our way to something more polyamourous. I also had a few crushes, and kissed a girl. Or two XD Nothing really substantial came from that, relationshipwise, but it was quite note-worthy nevertheless.

Spirituality

I wanted to start meditating more this year, so I recently did a short course, which was quite nice. I still don’t do it as often as I would like though… Also, I joined a internet-forum which has a down to earth view on spirituality to have some extra primer to muse on certain things. I’d like to get more into some non-fuzzy paganism, I think. Living closer to nature really appeals to me, especially foodwise, but also just in having more attention to the cycles of the seasons.

Music

I got more into medieval stuff, although I can’t name any bands, it’s more the style in general that really started to appeal to me. No new bands discovered this year, although I did get more into Sabaton, Turisas and Kate Nash than before.

My favourite performance of this year was Anathema, in my “own” venue. That concert kicked ass. They played all the favourites, came back twice after leaving, and the atmosphere was amazing.

Sex/bdsm

Relatively non-existent this year. I have never gone this long without intercourse since my first time at 16. This year I acknowledged I was raped by my ex-boyfriend Viking, and I started a very slow healing process, to heal all the hurt that was caused when people stepped over my boundaries. Bdsm came a bit back into my life, although it is still nowhere as important as it used to be. There are still a lot of fears to be conquered before all goes well in that area again.

Stuff that should be mentioned but did  not fit in any of the other categories

– I moved from a very sucky place to a much nicer place. Although it is a bit smaller, my landlord is way nicer than my former landlady. A relatively small change, that affected my life in a very positive sense.

– (Juice)fasting is not nice, and only makes me think about food. I am never going to try that again…

– More food-related stuff: I started eating meat again, after being a vegetarian for 11 years. I missed meat, but especially fish, a lot, and decided that that craving was too large to be ignored. I still don’t eat huge quantities of meat, and usually only when I’m at someone else’s place or at a restaurant.

Resolutions

I don’t really do resolutions, because I try to change stuff if I come across it during the year, not just at one point every 365 days. But well, since it is sort of obligatory:

– more meditation. My goal is to meditate daily (be it 5 minutes or a full hour), to be achieved before summer.

– paying more attention to my energy-level. I tend to overdo it, because there are so many amazing people and nice things to do in life. This goal is best operationalized as more time for myself without having to have to do stuff: each week, one day without appointments (may be a university-day).

– get (more) in touch with my sexual self again: there is some sort of plan now, the Master’s and Johnson approach, but now we (the boyfriend and I) need time and space to actually follow up on this plan. Which makes it very much connected with the goal before this one: more time for myself is more space in my head is more room for my sexuality

– Write more, for self-reflection, for my dairy, for my blog, poetry, stories, etc. No clear operationalized goal or deadline here, since that will decrease my creativity more than it will benefit from that.

– Spend less time behind the computer and read more, and cook/bake more. Which is also related to the energy-level goal, since the interwebs can grab you and take away all your energy. Mwahahaha!

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Let’s call her Dropje then.

It would be the first time we spent more than one afternoon or one evening together. She would arrive on friday, we’d meet at the BiCon itself and she would stay at my place for the following two nights.

There had been extensive flirting. Of writing all too obvious messages at internet-fora. And petting my hair. Which might also fall on the header of flirting, now that I think of it.

There was also friendship. A new friendship, just a few months old, but growing deeper and deeper under whatever friendship grows under. The  similarities go further than just the patterns of hair-growth.

The first night consisted of sleeping, and the second night as well. What happened in between those nights was a whole lot of fun. There was getting to know new persons, persuading a guy to wear heels for first time, there was lots of talking about everything in the world and more. There was also kissing and cuddling and closeness. And hitting (on?), although I was not the person being hit.

There was another girl besides Dropje, and she and I and she had a good time on a mattress in the dark room. It was safe and secure, and there were boobs (the consequences of them, and would you like to make love about it?), and I was able to set my boundaries and they were abided by.

The friendship did not change, will not change, or at least, not because of this. There is love, and there will be love, and all will be good in the end.

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News in the girl-department.

Yesterday I spent with my metal-friends, outside the gates of a one day metal-festival in the city where I live. They’re amazing people. I have known most of them for three years now, with some of them I went on a one week holiday two years ago, and we spent lots of concerts, festivals and random days, evenings and nights together. Usually there’s bbq-ing involved, and this time was no different, and since I am only a part-time vegetarian now and they did not know about that recent change yet, I managed to shock them a bit by eating meat. How nice 😛 There was also mead and rum and coke (and beer, but I passed on that, two kinds of alcohol seemed enough for me), so soberness was sort of out of the question.

We were not alone there, of course, there were metalheads all over the place. I saw a girl again I had met about two and a half years before, and that I had had quite a crush on. She was studying psychology as well, only a few years lower than me, so we met each other occasionally. Nothing ever happened, because she had a boyfriend and because I was not sure she was into girls at all. The past year I had not seen her, because she switched studies to “molecular life sciences”. We talked, and apparently her boyfriend had cheated on her a few months before and she had broke up with him because of that. And I learned she would like to experience with girls, but never had the change because her former boyfriend did not want her too. And I got her phone-number. Yay for me!

At home again I talked with the boyfriend over the phone. I told him about the girl mentioned above, and also that I had talked with another girl as well. And he asked me if I had asked her phone number as well. No, I hadn’t, also because that seemed too much like flirting to me (with the other girl it felt different, because I had known her for longer, and just a friendship would be fine with me too, but you do need to be able to get in touch for that). He told me he was okay with that, with me asking girls for their phone-number, with a bit of flirting. As long as I don’t start long cuddle sessions or deep kisses, getting to know girls a bit is fine. He really wants me to find a nice girl to do “nice” stuff with.

The boyfriend is really amazing. He gives me tiny bits of freedom, one bit at the time, and I am really grateful for that. He just started a blog too by, to express his ideas and feelings and thoughts about the road we’re travelling. So, you can now also read the other side.

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Breakthrough 2

Fear seems to be the theme of this week: it was also the main topic I talked about with my psychologist today. To be more precise: my fear when riding in a car (not driving myself, since I don’t have a license, but sitting next to the driver) and when having to cross a train-crossing. We did some exercise where I had to sit and focus on a specific event (in this case, the time where crossed a train-crossing, and just when I passed it the lights went on, the ringing sounds started, the barriers were almost coming down, and in the distance I could see the train coming already: scary as hell), and then focus on the (physical) feelings it gave me.

Afterwards she also asked me when I had had that feeling (the intense-fear kind of feeling I got from the though of the train-crossing) for the first time. The image that came to mind was the one after my foot had been caught in the spokes of my mothers bike, which happened when I was 5 years old. Apparently (logically) this had really scared me: something that had always been very safe (sitting behind my mother on her bike) was now suddenly something dangerous.

This fear that now presents itself in situations that could become dangerous, is this old fear that stable things can suddenly be overturned into something unstable. Like when my parents broke up when I was 2. Like when I had to move and change schools at age 7. Like when I got a new brother when I was 8. Like when my sister died when I was 17. I used to be afraid of people leaving me, one way or another, but now I am more scared of situations going out of control.

We are going to work with this a bit more, so I got some sort of “homework” again: keepin track a bit of when and where I feel fear and how it feels.

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Poly-bashing poly in denial

I have love-hate relationship with polyamory.

About three years ago, when I became active at bdsm-internet-fora, I also came in contact with polyamory. I did not now how to deal with it. The concept felt really change. How could people overcome all that jealousy? I had been quite the jealous type, in the years before that.

But ideas change overtime. I had a D/s-relationship of nine months, with someone who was not the monogamous-type. Our relationship was, but with the side-note that if he would want things with other women again, it could be discussed. I became a member of a forum on polyamory to learn more about how all those weird poly-people “did” their relationships. The D/s ended when I realised more and more I wanted a “complete” relationship, love and bdsm in 1, and he fell in love with another women.

In the year that followed, I had several flings; some of them in the same time-frame, approximately, and although that felt extremely complicated and difficult at times, it also felt really freeing and happiness-creating. Sometimes I loved the idea of polyamory, and sometimes I hated it intensely. When I met the boyfriend, I has just started “something” with my first girlfriend. The feelings for him were so intense that someone next too him was too much, and her and me broke  up. I decided I was monogamous, but kept in touch with the poly-forum I had been a regular-visitor and seldom-poster.

But am I? When I was feeling extremely well a few weeks ago, the longing for a girlfriend next to the relationship with the boyfriend came into existence again. I told him, with all colors and feelings. This was the reason that lead to the fight I spoke about a little while ago. Because I don’t want someone just to have sex with, I want a friend who is more than just a friend. And I’m getting more and more comfortable with him doing stuff with other women; I even encourage the idea somewhat, although it also scares the hell out of me.

The boyfriend does not want this yet, cannot handle this yet. My problems with sex, and the resulting problems with our relationship are our first priority. He decides the pace: how, what, when, where. Even “who” is negotiable. Around summer we’ll talk about it again.

I hope my problems will be mostly in the past.

I hope that he has gotten used to the idea.

I hope that I have grown.

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