Posts tagged university

Activism yay!

Next year (which starts after summer, counting in study-years) is going to be different. Yesterday I heard I’ll be on the board of the local student union. I was pretty nervous about this, because it is something I really want to do, and there was always the possibility they would have found someone else for the job. But I got it. It is a full time function, and I’ll probably be vice-chair. Next year will therefore be full of working together with amazing people (2 of the 4 other  people on the board I already know, and they’re from our local action committee, that I managed the past 6 months), learning new skills, learning a whole lot more about myself, and loads of activism for the good cause of high quality and widely accessible education. And of course for enough housing for students, a green campus (both in the tree, as in durability), and attention to possible discrimination of minorities.

So for now it is finishing my thesis (the first version is nearing it’s end, and the results are significant, yay!), getting a job for the summer (almost achieved, I’ll have a short interview in 1.5 weeks to be a postman for a month), and finding a nice, small, apartment for just me (hopefully achieved just before summer, which seems doable, since I am high on the list with some apartments I react on). And really putting some effort in becoming sexual again. Writing about sex and bdsm again. And not just writing, although I am certain that will helpt, but also experimenting again, but with and without the boyfriend. Both with women and with men.

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What I learned in my absence…

The past three weeks I learned a lot about myself and what I can do.

I learned really long to do lists can be conquered.

I learned I can work together with others as a team, better than I ever imagined.

I learned I can work for 12 days straight, and don’t collapse. Not even needing exorbitant resting time (2 days was enough).

I learned I can do press. I appeared on local and national television, and although there is much to learn, I did quite well.

I learned I am a good organizer (I already knew this, but it was extra confirmed).

I learned I can get myself on top of things, even when I feel down-ish and stressed out.

The past three weeks I learned I rock everyone’s socks!

And on a completely different note, these past weeks I also realised that my sexuality is slowly, very slowly, getting back on track again. I am really not there yet, but there is lots of progress. More kissing, more touching, more feeling sexual, more porn, more actually wanting to have sex again, more desire to date girls. More sock-rocking.

picture from here

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The cycle of waves.

My life comes in waves. There are big waves, which move over a year, medium ones, which last a couple of weeks or months, and short ones which are about a day long.

The yearly wave moves from being mostly content and happy in and after the summer holidays, to getting more grumpy towards Christmas, to getting annoyed with school/university in january/february (I then get the feeling I want to learn new things, and want to start a new school-year), to feeling happier again when spring arises and summer (anb therefore a new study-start) comes closer again.

The monthly waves are the most annoying. They come in two kinds. There is a hormone based one, my PMS, which makes me grumpy and extra-emotional every four weeks for a couple of days. Hopefully that wave is smaller or even gone now, because of my Implanon.

But there is also another one, that lasts a bit longer than the hormonal cycle.  At one point I’m being happy and joyful. I like hanging out with people, I see my friends often, but not that much. Then I start to overdo it. I tend to want to meet new people, and overcrowd my calendar with appointments or I spend lots of time on online communities (ones I have been a member of for while, although I might enter new ones too). After that phase, I start to feel left out, for one reason or another. I feel my friends don’t like me, that everything has to come from me, and that no one really likes me. Grumpyness. Then I retreat a bit, sometimes just a few days, sometimes is takes longer. After this phase passed, I start to feel happy again, have faith in me and my friendships, and it all starts over again.

The daily cycle has changed over time. It used to be that I was way more active in the morning, got tired in the afternoon, and was not able to work after 9pm. It is a bit different now, since I still feel active in the morning, but cannot always push myself to do stuff. I still get less active in the afternoon, but in the evening I get another rush of energy, which can be handy, but also makes me  go to bed a bit too late sometimes, which isn’t good for my morning energy.

The social-cycle is the most unhandy one, and the one that influences my life in the most negative way. I know how to handle my PMS. I don’t plan important stuff or intense social activities in those days, and I don’t make important decisions. I don’t know how to go about the social cycle. I am now at the point where I start to feel that I am not liked. I feel jealous at others who seem to get more (online) attention than I do. I don’t always feel like contacting my friends, while I would like to see them “but why do I always have to set the first step”.

It’s a negative spiral, or so it feels. I do know it’s not true, probably my friends like me as much as they always do, but the doubtful feelings are strong, sadly enough. And they might be more destructive than helpful.

I know how the wave works, but is that enough to break out of it?

pictures from here and here

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From the land of metaphors: the wave.

I talked about the wave before. Right now, I’m on it. Quite stable, actually, although I almost fell of this afternoon. I started to feel stressed about the busy week that is coming up. A few deadlines for my experiment, articles I have to edit, events I’m volunteering for, friends I’m going to see…

But then I did some meditation, had good food, did some preparation for next week (like making sure my mailbox is empty, that always makes for a good start), and watched about three Gilmore Girls episodes (I’m in season 4 now. Again ;)). I was already relaxed after the meditating, but the rest of the evening filled my battery again, so I next week can be as filled as last week was, without me collapsing.

Because I can. I can work 6 to 8 hours a day at university. I can do two volunteer jobs, and even do some extra stuff for an organization for bisexuality. I can see many people, and have intense interactions with friends, without having to recover a lot.

It’s my wave, I’m moving quickly, but I’m still stable, and capable of pulling myself up again when I start slipping. I know the dangers, where the sharp rocks are, where I can get stranded on a sandbank. But I’m still on here, I’ve learned, I’ve grown, and I feel better than ever.

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