The cycle of waves.

My life comes in waves. There are big waves, which move over a year, medium ones, which last a couple of weeks or months, and short ones which are about a day long.

The yearly wave moves from being mostly content and happy in and after the summer holidays, to getting more grumpy towards Christmas, to getting annoyed with school/university in january/february (I then get the feeling I want to learn new things, and want to start a new school-year), to feeling happier again when spring arises and summer (anb therefore a new study-start) comes closer again.

The monthly waves are the most annoying. They come in two kinds. There is a hormone based one, my PMS, which makes me grumpy and extra-emotional every four weeks for a couple of days. Hopefully that wave is smaller or even gone now, because of my Implanon.

But there is also another one, that lasts a bit longer than the hormonal cycle.  At one point I’m being happy and joyful. I like hanging out with people, I see my friends often, but not that much. Then I start to overdo it. I tend to want to meet new people, and overcrowd my calendar with appointments or I spend lots of time on online communities (ones I have been a member of for while, although I might enter new ones too). After that phase, I start to feel left out, for one reason or another. I feel my friends don’t like me, that everything has to come from me, and that no one really likes me. Grumpyness. Then I retreat a bit, sometimes just a few days, sometimes is takes longer. After this phase passed, I start to feel happy again, have faith in me and my friendships, and it all starts over again.

The daily cycle has changed over time. It used to be that I was way more active in the morning, got tired in the afternoon, and was not able to work after 9pm. It is a bit different now, since I still feel active in the morning, but cannot always push myself to do stuff. I still get less active in the afternoon, but in the evening I get another rush of energy, which can be handy, but also makes me  go to bed a bit too late sometimes, which isn’t good for my morning energy.

The social-cycle is the most unhandy one, and the one that influences my life in the most negative way. I know how to handle my PMS. I don’t plan important stuff or intense social activities in those days, and I don’t make important decisions. I don’t know how to go about the social cycle. I am now at the point where I start to feel that I am not liked. I feel jealous at others who seem to get more (online) attention than I do. I don’t always feel like contacting my friends, while I would like to see them “but why do I always have to set the first step”.

It’s a negative spiral, or so it feels. I do know it’s not true, probably my friends like me as much as they always do, but the doubtful feelings are strong, sadly enough. And they might be more destructive than helpful.

I know how the wave works, but is that enough to break out of it?

pictures from here and here

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