Posts tagged body

Juice-fasting

from flickr.com

I have been thinking about it a little while, and read multiple websites about the topic, and I think I am going to try it: juice-fasting. I have never done a fast, and I am interested how it will affect me, both physically and mentally. Also, I hope it will be good changing-point to get rid of the habit of eating sugary, fat and unhealthy stuff too often. I had stopped buying chocolate and the like, but I started again, and the fast seems like a good way to get rid of that habit again. I might also try to get into the raw-food craze that seems to be going around nowadays. Also, I hope it’ll make me get used to eating a bit less than what I do now. Losing weight is not a main goal, but it would be nice to lose some kilos, and even nicer if the excess weight kept away.

I’m going to do a short fast, 3 to 5 days, depending on what my body tells me. I am going to build op in three days, substituting one more meal each day with just fruit, quark, or salad, and eating more raw veggies in general. Then the fasting days follow, in which I’ll drink 1 liter of fruit juice and about 2 liters of water or herbal tea. After that I’ll slowly get myself used to eating solid foods again. Starting with just fruit and veggies, soups, and light foods.

from flickr.com

And of course I’ll blog on the progress  and such. I think I’m going to start the fast itself on the 11th of september, a friday (which is my free day, plus the weekend, which makes fro 3 days I can be grumpy or otherwise unnice company without anyone being annoyed with it), which means I’ll start preparing on tuesday the 8th.

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Creeping back from out of the dark…

Recently, the past few weeks, I’ve been rude and harsh to some people. Telling them that “they could leave if they said that one more time”, “I could go as well”, things like that. Not very nice. I first ‘blamed’ that on my “rape-recovery revisited”, because that took a lot of my energy and I did not have any other coping mechanisms left when someone did something that was somewhat offensive to me.

But it got me thinking. So I’m easily annoyed, and can’t cope with that in a good way. I can’t do more than one thing at the time, like talking and working on something, especially when the talking involves some other action I have to do next (which is connected to the following point). I get easily confused when I have to do something “big”, with many different aspects (like making a high-tea with 9 different little things to eat, but even grocery shopping is hard sometimes). I am tired all the time. I dream my ass off (next post will be a dream post again).

I am slowly getting burned out again.

Which is in some sense weird, because I enjoy what I do tremendously, and I don’t feel that stressed (although the stressed out tiredness I feel lying on my chest sometimes, should have given something away). I am going to talk about this with my thesis-coordinator today when we have our weekly meeting, and I am going to make an appointment with my general practitioner when I’m back from the boyfriend. Because I don’t think that just that meditation-course is going to help against this.

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To shave means to hope

A few days ago I e-mailed the boyfriend with some blog he wanted the address from, and a short question. Should I stop shaving my pubic hair or not? Although we did not have sex any more, I still felt this was something I had to ask permission for; it felt as something that was part of our D/s.

So there was some disappointment when there was no immediate reply that morning. There came no reply during the whole day. That evening we spoke about it on the phone, and he said something about that he somewhat preferred me shaved, but that it was my choice.

I don’t clearly remember how the conversation went on, but I do remember I felt sad about his response. To me this question was something important, and it did not seem that important too him. Afteer some difficult talking it came out that it was more difficult for him to see this in a D/s-context, because it concerned an area that he had nothing to do with recently; it did not fall into his “range” of our D/s at this time.  And also because I had asked it so casually, he had not noticed that I had meant it as asking for permission, instead of the asking of an opinion, which was how he had interpreted it.

It was not the first difficult talk that week, and talks like that are quite draining. Especially when it’s about  something as painful as the fact we’re not having sex, not because of not wanting, but because I just cannot, mentally. Wanting to stop shaving was some sort of giving up hope, of quitting to prepare. I do not know exactly if it was at the end of that talk, or if it was the day after, but in the end he made clear he really wanted me to shave my cunt, for aesthetics, for the hope.

And so I did.

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Chaotic: I has it.

I met so many nice people yesterday. Images of people crashed and improved for the better. This feeling of being able to be, of openness, of listening intensely, of being heard.

I decided I should no longer divide myself in all those pieces that make myself me. I am I. I am not and emotions and a body and a mind and a rationale. I am whole and I am me. Or at least, I’ll try to be, from now on.

Chaotic feelings which sometimes come into existence when meeting people: I has it.

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For the first time to the sexologist

She got points for having the same first name as one of my best friends. And for having my style of clothing. And of course, for having the profession she has, because sexologists are cool, just because.

First appointments (this on took place last Tuesday) with therapist-like-persons always involve a lot of talking and not much action. I really like that stage: someone who just asks you all kinds of questions about your life, and the answers do not have any consequences. Yet 😉

She asked me about the sex-related problem I have (of which I’ll say a bit more later on), about my relationship with the boyfriend (“uhm… it’s very loving?” and exciting and intellectually challenging and everything just seems to fit), about what I like most and like least about my body (most: boobs, back, eyes and hair; least: thighs), if I was able to have an orgasm if I wanted to (“you mean at will?” ;)), and about what I’m doing with my psychologist. I mentioned a tiny little thing about bdsm, and she seemed very accepting and non-judging. The thing I was afraid of, that she would throw my orgasm-rule (I have to ask the boyfriend for permission before I have an orgasm) out of the window, but she confirmed that is it important tto still have that, while the rest of the bdsm-part of our relationship is pretty much standing still.

The main problem why I’m seeing her, is that while I always used to have a huge sex-drive, my “need” to have sex, seems to have left me almost completely. This probably has to do with bad experiences from the past (at least 2 ex-boyfriends have done relatively little non-consensual things, which left me quiet damaged), and it results now in me thinking way too much when a sexual act is about to happen between me and the boyfriend (who has done nothing wrong, I may add). I start thinking “do I really want this?”, “am I not only doing it for him?”, “will it still feel good afterwards”, and similar thoughts. As you might guess, that really kills all sexual appetite. Also partly because of the “bad” boyfriends, I also have some trust-issues, which make bdsm (as a submissive) quite difficult.

Next time we’ll talk about my sexual education and how sex is treated and discussed in my family and about my sexual history. That promises to be interesting…

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