To the psychologist

This morning I first went to the doctor to get a referral for a dietitian to help me lose weight. Because  had about 1,5 hour left before my psychologist appointment, I tried to find coffee place that was open. I failed miserably, and got to my appointment 30 minutes too early. I did get coffee while waiting though.

It was the third time I went to see my psychologist, after a period of no visits for half a year. I had been seeing her from January 2008 until September of that same year, until the problems of that time seemed to have gone. Unfortunately they came back, so one year later  I’m back again.

Especially in the beginning I also felt extremely annoyed and not accepted by my therapist. I think that came from the fact that she sometimes seems to push me into directions of where my problems come from (according to her: the fact my parents, who had a long distance relationship, broke up when I was two years old, and I felt extremely left behind at that time, which I could not deal with because of my age, and so I developed coping strategies, which are not that beneficial for me any more now. Exactly the opposite, actually), and also because she seemed annoyed with me not having the grand overview of what my problems were all about. I might have just misinterpreted stuff, but it really bothered me the first part of today’s session, but it got a lot better after I had said this aloud.

The main part of the time consisted of me actually trying to feel my (negative) emotions. We do a lot of bodily-therapy-like things,  because I feel many of my emotions in a very physical way. This time it was about bad feelings I have in a certain class I’m following at the moment; in the end it turned out I felt mostly rejected, which manifested itself into a pain somewhere around my breastbone. And of course my everlasting sadness which resides somewhere in the back of my throat, wanted attention too. Yes, I do personify my feelings somewhat 😉 (Fear of) rejection seems to be a quite central issue, so we will be focussing on that a bit more.

Since I won’t be seeing her for a bit more than two weeks now, I got “homework”. I have to note when I get that chest-pain again and in what situations. When I have time (at that exact moment or later that day) I have to focus on that feeling again, just as we did today.

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