Our first real fight

My psychologist had given me the assignment that every time when I would feel the pain in my chest, I would have to write it down (what, when, where, basically) and focus on the feeling when there was time.

I usually think assignments like that are a very good idea, but I’m not that good at actually doing them. Usually I don’t have a notebook at hand at crucial moments, and when I have I postpone the writing to later, and  so stuff never gets done.  What made that worse, was that I noticed I will get hat specific feeling when the thought of the assignments comes up. That made it feel as not very useful. Of course, when I think of it, there is focussing of some sort going on, so of course I’ll feel that pain than.

But a few nights ago that was different. The boyfriend and I had a fight. A real one.  One that made me shut off my emotions and feelings entirely, and that had not happened at such a scale for months. He felt his thoughts and emotions were not taken seriously, and I felt the same. It was just too much, and the pain was there. It actually made sense, because it seems quite logical there is a sense/fear of rejection when you are in a fight with your loved one. I tried focussing on it, breathing towards it, but it kept slipping away, just as all my other emotions. Sadness and anger where the only two left behind, and when the latter one also subsided, I just felt sad and very, very tired.

Today, two days after that evening, we also had a difficult talk, basically about the same problem. He feels hurt and anger and shame and  rejection and probably many other things because of my inability to have sex with him. I understand it must be very difficult for him, but comforting him is even much, much harder when dealing with similar pains with the same cause myself. And I work so hard to get over them, but he  of course, can’t directly see that; effects take time. When I tried to tell him that, I cried. That has only happened once or twice before in his presence (in the whole 7 months we are together now), so that was quite special. Now we both feel much better.

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1 Response so far »

  1. 1

    […] into existence again. I told him, with all colors and feelings. This was the reason that lead to the fight I spoke about a little while ago. Because I don’t want someone just to have sex with, I want […]


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