For the first time to the sexologist

She got points for having the same first name as one of my best friends. And for having my style of clothing. And of course, for having the profession she has, because sexologists are cool, just because.

First appointments (this on took place last Tuesday) with therapist-like-persons always involve a lot of talking and not much action. I really like that stage: someone who just asks you all kinds of questions about your life, and the answers do not have any consequences. Yet 😉

She asked me about the sex-related problem I have (of which I’ll say a bit more later on), about my relationship with the boyfriend (“uhm… it’s very loving?” and exciting and intellectually challenging and everything just seems to fit), about what I like most and like least about my body (most: boobs, back, eyes and hair; least: thighs), if I was able to have an orgasm if I wanted to (“you mean at will?” ;)), and about what I’m doing with my psychologist. I mentioned a tiny little thing about bdsm, and she seemed very accepting and non-judging. The thing I was afraid of, that she would throw my orgasm-rule (I have to ask the boyfriend for permission before I have an orgasm) out of the window, but she confirmed that is it important tto still have that, while the rest of the bdsm-part of our relationship is pretty much standing still.

The main problem why I’m seeing her, is that while I always used to have a huge sex-drive, my “need” to have sex, seems to have left me almost completely. This probably has to do with bad experiences from the past (at least 2 ex-boyfriends have done relatively little non-consensual things, which left me quiet damaged), and it results now in me thinking way too much when a sexual act is about to happen between me and the boyfriend (who has done nothing wrong, I may add). I start thinking “do I really want this?”, “am I not only doing it for him?”, “will it still feel good afterwards”, and similar thoughts. As you might guess, that really kills all sexual appetite. Also partly because of the “bad” boyfriends, I also have some trust-issues, which make bdsm (as a submissive) quite difficult.

Next time we’ll talk about my sexual education and how sex is treated and discussed in my family and about my sexual history. That promises to be interesting…

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