The past days were difficult. I felt sad, scared, confused, more scared,  trapped, hurt, abused, and panicked. The boyfriend and I had to work stuff out, since he still felt hurt, and I am sometimes too easy in getting over fights and troubles. Everything we said over the phone ended up in almost fighting, in both of us getting annoyed with the other, and both of us feeling hurt. We broke though that. Maybe because I acknowledged that he had been hurt by our almost break-up, and that that pain was real and not to be overlooked. Maybe because I felt extremely bad and started crying, which is something I don’t do often. Suddenly things felt right and calm again between us.

He asked me about the rape, and I told him. I think this was the first time I told someone in detail about what had happened that night. Some stuff I had blocked out, but all had come back again while reading the report of that friend of mine. I felt everything again (because the emotions related to the rape are more intense than the memory itself).

The weird, and nice, thing is, is that I feel I’m really processing the pain now. I’m feeling it, instead of just focussing on getting better. And it helps! Already a few days after being triggered, I feel like I want sex again at some point in time, which will probably not very far into the future. I feel like I want to do bdsm-ish things again. The fear is slowly leaving me, because the rape is getting his own personal spot in my head instead of flowing over to everything that has to do with sex, bdsm or even men in general.

I hope I can keep focussing on feeling and not on “getting over it”. My dreams play a big role in the processing as well, like the dream I wrote about recently, about the girl wanting me to give her a blowjob and me throwing her out of the house. Last night I dreamed that I was a whore, and there was actually some sex with a guy there, and I did not feel extremely bad when I woke up, what had happened before when I dreamed about sex (the guy was not someone I knew by the way, just some random dream-person). I am curious what this night will bring…