Moneyslavery is one of the stranger fetishes under the big bdsm-umbrella. Usually it consists of a submissive guy who likes spending money on a dominant women (but of course, all genders can apply to each role). Often the money is spend on lingerie, clothing or shoes. Sometimes also on dinners (e.g. where she has a large expensive meal, and he has just a salad), other items than mentioned above, or is it just cash what’s being spend, which can also been transferred through a bank instead of physically given. Often the guy does not want anything back, not even seeing the women in the clothing he bought; it’s the spending money on her in itself that gets him off. Sometimes the fact that she will wear the lingerie which is bought by him while being with someone else, is even more exciting for the moneyslave. This aspect is related to cuckolding.

Moneyslavery is an appealing idea. And where in the past I thought this was nothing for me, since I was not dominant, just sadistic every once in a while, I get attracted to this more and more. The fact that I am often broke these days makes it even more interesting of course. But even just the idea that I am this amazing women, worthy of being spend loads of money on, just because I want him to, is a very nice thought. Even arousing in some sense.

I am going to ‘spend’ some more time thinking and fantasizing about this, and then maybe even explore this new, more dominant, side of me *insert evil grin here*


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On give-aways: Annoyance level reached.

Give-aways are a common thing in the blogosphere. When a blog gets enough readers, companies might send a blogger a sample product (relevant to the blog’s topic) to write about. And when a blog has even more readers, the companies might even want to give away stuff through a contest. Sometimes the blogger itself is a nice person, and makes a contest around something self-bought or -made.

This is very nice and all, but why are those contest always just including USA and sometimes Canada? Europe (where I live) is always excluded, and so are Australia, Africa, Asia and South America. Or maybe I just read the wrong blogs? It’s not that I desperately want to win stuff (although I did come across items that were very nice), but acknowledgement that there are also readers outside of the USA, would be  nice, every once in a while.

And the solution is so simple: just share the shipping costs with the winner, or let the winner pay all. Problem solved, and reader annoyance vanished.

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It’s my blog and I can write what I want to.

Where this blog started out to document changes, mainly on the field of sexuality and relationships, and a bit on mental health and physical health, it soon became a place where I also got involved in discussions on feminist topics and reflections on things like postsecret, and the health-part got a bit out of the picture. Lately here was still some on my personal ups and downs, some on bdsm and poly, but the original goal of the blog seems to be lost. This is not problematic to me, it just shows that people evolve over time. But I’d still like to do a recap.

Compared to a year ago:

  • … I haven’t lost weight (lost it and gained it over time, and now want to lose it again).
  • … the boyfriend and I are still not having sex, although there is more intimacy, and lots more fun in the whole thing.
  • … there is more bdsm between, although this process is slow as well. There are several problems that need to be overcome, which mostly have to do with trust.
  • … I am way more stable, both in stress as in emotions, although there are still highs and lows of cours.
  • … there has been huge progress on the poly part. Where our relationship first was monogamous, we are now semi-polyamoureus, with me being allowed to persue girls. There even was some bdsm with not even one, not two, but three someone elses. Although that part is still quite difficult for the boyfriend.

It’s the beginning of spring. The time of year to start anew. On to new things, new experiences!

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Suspension <3

Bondage rocks. I have been loving ropes since the beginning of my bdsm-career, but I never had partners who had a lot of experience in this field. I started anew with at least three people, so more extreme stuff than a harness, binding of breasts and tying together wrists had never happened.

Luckily, I do have friends who are very into bondage, and also into suspension. So a few weeks ago I asked Dancer if he could do a suspension with/to me. He liked the idea, and the boyfriend was fine with it too, so one week later the boyfriend and I went over to Dancer’s place. In the middle of the living room he had put a hook in the ceiling, which was stable and strong enough to handle a body hanging from it.

I started with getting (almost) naked, and Dancer started with a chest-harness and tying my arms behind my back. This gave some slight problems because me arms started to hurt relatively quickly, but the pain passed after the ropes were adjusted a bit. The next part that got ropes around it were my thighs, after which the harness was attached to the ceiling-hook. We decided on a sitting position, so first my right leg went up in the air, followed by my left.

… which lead to so much pain in my arms, that I had to be led down immediately.

We did some ground-bondage afterwards (also so the boyfriend could learn), but I felt quite disappointed, because I had been looking forward to hanging in the air a lot.

Luckily, the next chance presented itself just three days ago. I spend sunday-afternoon at a play-party with some friends. I used to be a regular there, but because of the end of a relationship and the distance (1.5hours by train), I had not been there in a while. There I re-met a women,  who I had talked with a bit on a party two years ago. When I saw another women in the ropes, I made a comment on her possible dizzyness since she was being swirled around, the woman offered to let me experience it for myself.

First semi-nakedness again, then some ropes above and under my breasts, and some around my hips, in a very simple way. Then some ropes around my ankles, separate from each other. After some fiddling with the suspension-point, I went up in the air, horizontal, belly-down.

I was being made to twirl in circles, and swinging back and forth. She discovered that I squeel when being hit hard enough with a wooden spoon, and I discovered that being stroked with a fox-tail is incredibly nice and soft. The most difficult thing was breathing, unexpectedly, especially because the rope around my hips kept sliding to my belly. Because of that, it did not last as long as I would have ideally liked.. I was taken back to the ground, the ropes went off, and after a big hug, I went back into the real world again, with friends and chinese food.

picture from here

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Poly plans.

If you have read my last post, you know I am very busy with the free/restricted dichotomy. This also extended itself to my relationship. I wanted more freedom! Sex with women, but mostly sex with men! Because that was the one thing that I could not do, and that was very difficult for me.

It was a boundary from the boyfriend, and a boundary I did follow, but one that even after a few months did not feel right to me. Especially after I realised more and more that if I would start a new relationship right now, I would never consent to monogamy. I don’t want to discriminate between who I like and might  want to be intimate on the base of sex or gender: I want to do that on the base of who I like and/or find attractive or not.

Besides wanting to feel freedom, there was also something else connected to the “sex with other men”-thing. The boyfriend and I have not had sex (as in ‘fucking’) since January 2009. Yes, that means we did not have sex for 16 months now. We ware progressing, but we’re moving very slow, especially when you count in the fact that my libido has quote returned since a couple of weeks. There is still much fear left, but also lots of habit. I reasoned that with someone else, someone I trust and probably had slept with before, that would be easier to break through. Also, when it did not go well, it would not immediately have an impact on the relationship between the boyfriend and me, but if the experience was positive it would probably be easier to cross that boundary with the boyfriend as well.

The boyfriend had a different reasoning, which is also part of him having problems with me having sex with other men. He feels that when I have sex with someone else, sex will become something I do with others and not with him, and thus make it more difficult to have sex with him again. The complete opposite of my reasoning, as you can see.

I wanted a deadline. I don’t want to be in a gender-monogamous relationship, nor do I want to go over the boyfriend’s boundaries, since he is very important to me. There was clearly a problem there. So we got ourselves a deadline for when we go over from ‘his plan’ to ‘my plan’ (after thorough discussion of course, which might lead to a completely different plan altogether) really was necessary for me to feel some space ans calm of mind again. It is set at august 2010. Now I know when I can (sort of) expect things to change. And until then we are going to try even harder to get everything sexual to work between us again.

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Balancing plans.

I want a rhythm in my days.

I want freedom and unpredictability.

I want to make plans for the future.

I want to take each day as it comes.

I want peace of mind and quietness.

I want to socialize and meet all the nice and lovable people in my life very often.

I want to create a home, my home.

I want to see the world, experience other countries and cultures.

I want to be creative and explore new talents.

I am finding a balance. The short term plans include starting on my thesis, getting up a bit earlier again and get busy in the morning, and have a couple of hours each week where randomness can take over.

Longer term plans include being in the chair of our local student union for a year, and in that year finding out if I can do research on sexuality for a non-profit organization, or become a life coach of some sort. But these longer term long-term-plans can change as time sees fit.

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I’ve got a new term to identify with!

The past weeks (with all the events with India-girl and my first suspension experience) really made me think about how I experience bdsm at the moment, and what kind of submissive I am. When I started with bdsm I identified as a submissive, which meant for me that I liked the whole spectrum of BDSM, and that I was always a bit subservient to my dominant. I never really aimed at TPE or 24/7, but I liked some kind of a ongoing powerrelation, however light at times.

After the rape, and after I decided (first subconsciously and later consciously) that for now I only want to submit by choice of that moment, I started to identify more as a bottom. I wanted pain and bondage and other play things, but no power exchange outside of a scene. Instead of something deeply felt inside, the dom/sub-mindset became more of a roleplay.

I never saw myself as a bratty sub. I tend to do what I am told, and be completely happy with that, and won’t directly disobey orders (except when they go over my boundaries of that time, of course). However, I do make witty comments, push my dominant a little by teasing or tickling. Also, I tend to whine when ‘mean stuff’ is being done to me. I like the mean stuff of course, else I would not participate, but feeling sorry for myself, pouting a bit and being teased with that is a kind of ‘roleplay’ that really works for me at the moment. I fall into this behaviour almost automatically, and feels it very comfortable, fitting and nice.

When talking with Dancer (a friend of mine, who is quite into bondage, and into dancing) on the evening of my first suspension, he mentioned the term SAM: Smart Ass Masochist. Although I like pain, and I am a masochist, this is not a term that I use to label myself, the term did not fit completely. Suddenly all things fell into place, and a new term was born: SAB, Smart Ass Bottom. And it fits like a glove. Or a tight, restraining rope-harness 😉

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