Planning for sex

I think I have to take the step: the boyfriend and I should start planning sexual encounters with each other. Because just going with the flow, even with pointers from my sexologist, is not helping. At least, not enough. It has been a year since we had intercourse, and in the past year there have only been three or four instances where we were really sexual with each other with genitals involved. There has been some bdsm-play, but even that was relatively limited, to about once every two months, maybe a tiny bit more. So a new step should be taken, and planning to make time for sexual contact is a part of that.

For me this feels as something very large and difficult. Until two years ago, I had always had a lot of sex. It came easy to me, and it came usually easy for my partners. Everything always just happened, also in longer relationships. I never had to explicitly make time for sex Then of I had to intense experiences: my burn-out and the rape. The first already lowered my sexual feelings, and the second completely killed them. There were a few short spikes (like in the beginning in the relationship with the boyfriend) that seemed to show that my sexual self was returning, but apparently it didn’t. And it probably will not, without intense help.

What probably influenced this lack of automatism in having sex, is that the boyfriend and I don’t see each other very often. Usually there are two weekends between our visits, after which we spend a long weekend (about 4 days) together. My experience is that when you can see you partner every weekend, of even every other weekend, you can plan your whole other life outside of those weekends, which means your time together is only for you two together. With us, that can never be the case, since 4 days is too long to shut the rest of life out. Where in weekend-relationships you can solely focus on each other when you are together, we also have to focus on the outside world, which makes it more likely to be an atmosphere which is less sexual. And especially when there already is a situation with sexual problems, that is very likely to decrease the chances on being physically intimate.

Not seeing each other very often is both a cause for not having sex without much extra effort and a barrier for getting rid of this problem. For sex I need a feeling of closeness, I need to feel safe. This is not only in my head, it is almost a physical thing. That feeling is not there the moment me and the boyfriend are together: it has to grow. And since we don’t see each other daily, or even weekly, after it has been growing in the time we are together, it will be shrunken back again the next time we see each other. That was very clear when we were together for two weeks around Christmas: in the last week I had no problems sleeping without a shirt, and him touching my breasts wasn’t something scary any more, but something nice. Next time it’ll probably be uncomfortable again the first day or two. There is progress over longer amounts of time, obviously, but it is all extremely slow. This also makes that I don’t completely trust in a perfect outcome of a more planned and guided approach, since that won’t solve the lapses of building (physical) trust  in between our visits.

And of course: sex scares the  hell out of me. It is sometimes nice in fantasies, but when I think about how it would be in real life, I feel mostly fear. Even when I remind myself that I used to love sex, even when I remind myself that the boyfriend won’t do anything I don’t want (outside of bdsm consensual non consent of course, which is not entering the sexual domain for us any time soon).

So I think I should just take the jump, and hope the landing will be gentle.


3 Responses so far »

  1. 2

    Dropje said,

    So, wat dapper zeg. Soms is het goed om ergens dwars doorheen te gaan, maar inschatten wanneer het kan… Maar je hebt je zo goed voorbereid, je bent je zo bewust van wat je voelt en wat er gebeurd….

    Rest mij alleen om jullie Veel plezier, kussens, warmte en ontspanning toe te wensen. You go girl!

  2. 3

    Icey said,

    I could sooo think of a totally evil present for someone’s birthday right now just based upon the title of this post.. but I’ll restrain myself.

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