Progress comes in tiny little steps.

Yesterday I had a nice talk with my sexologist. The past times I felt that we talked to much about my polyamorous feelings and how to embed this in my relationship with the boyfriend. Like I said before, this is not necessary for me, I can (and have) work that out by myself just fine.

This time we were more to the point. We talked about that penetration means (almost) instant crying for me, and that I don’t allow myself to become aroused. The first thing I have mentioned before, but the latter I did not really realize until recently.

At the BiCon (of which I have been planning to write about for ages now, but real life kept getting in the way) there was a workshop in which erotic stories were read or told. Especially one of the stories, the first one, about a women who woke up having a penis and used it actively the whole day, was very arousing. I noticed I tend to push the arousal away, did not allow it, the second it started to come up: this was almost automatically. Because the environment there was quite safe (nothing was bound to happen, and I had a nice girl with me, (a good friend of which more will be told next time, who still needs a good name for on this blog, any suggestions anyone?). I actively allowed myself to feel aroused a bit. This did not work the whole time, but the little bits and pieces felt very liberating nonetheless.

We also made some plans. I am going to try penetrating myself with my fingers or a vibrator out of the context of masturbation (where I would usually do this, and then discover the tears were still there) and to try to completely feel and accept the sadness . When masturbating there are conflicting interests at stake (having an orgasm or intense negative emotions: you guess what wins).

We talked less about the arousal-problem. I think this is something I have to re-learn: to actively allow myself to feel aroused again. First when I’m alone, later when I’m with the boyfriend or with others.

I do feel there has been progress, and I hope this will continue. Sometimes I see little glimpses of who my sexual self was, and hopefully will be, and she seems to be a very interesting person.

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3 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    You are very lucky to have a boyfriend that is supportive of you and is able and willing to stand by you while you heal. I’m sure it can’t be easy for him.

  2. 2

    eisnacht said,

    @ Britni: Thank you.

    Concerning the name for dropje, seeing as you link to her blog, where she is using the name dropje, using the name dropje when you refer to her on your blog seems like the prudent thing to do.

  3. 3

    […] that helped a bit a at the moment, the helpless feeling did not change. Also because I did execute the plan we had and it did not do anything. Apparently feelings of sadness only follows penetration when it takes […]


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