The unsolvable bdsm-problem: solved!

1: At this moment, I need to be in control of my sexuality and everything related to it.

2: Bdsm is related to my sexuality.

3: I want/need to have a bdsm-scene every once in a while.

You see the problem.

I do believe this one is from xkcd.com, but I cant find the original link...

I do believe this one is from xkcd.com, but I can't find the original link...

And I think we solved it, the boyfriend and I. The past half year, before the past two weeks, there was not much play. We had played relatively often and intense in the beginning of our relationship, and there were even some ongoing rules, but the boyfriend getting scared of doing stuff wrong and me losing all sexual interest was the recipe for (almost) no bdsm-stuff.

Where in the beginning I would really long for a scene and get a bit grumpy and emotionally unstable when the last time was getting too long ago (also called “bouncing” or “bouncy” in my vocabulary), I now got completely over that stage, and there was not even a little craving for a bdsm-scene left.

But slowly this returned, very slowly. The past weeks I sometimes fantasize about being hit, being caned even, and I hate canes. At least my masochistic side seemed to be returning! In the time I spent at his place, I sometimes asked for things, for specific acts, like the bondage, a short spanking, and last night just a request to be beaten up. We also played at a bit at the party. The reason this worked, is that I feel very in control of what happens. I ask of him something that I’ll like (although the boyfriend could also ask me for a specific act, but he feels not confident enough in this recent bdsm-development to do that), which creates very specific boundaries, and I communicate a lot. About what feels nice, what is out of my comfort-zone but not too bad, what is almost getting too much, and of course when boundaries are being crossed.

People might not call this bdsm anymore, because I, as the submissive, have way more control than the dominant, but at this moment this really works for us. The boyfriend gets to practice his hitting-skills with several instruments and learns how I work, and I get used to giving up control and that that is no guaranteed recipe for disaster. I do actively stop myself from feeling very subby, because that means giving over control to the other. Over time I’ll probably give up more control, by creating more space between my boundaries, and allow myself to feel more subby again, which will probably be a slow process. But we’ve started, and we feel very positive about all of it.

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