Under pressure!

I feel easily pressured. This obviously shows in feeling easily stressed; I feel stressed even when I rationally know that the stuff I have to do, can be done in less than half the time I have for it. I am working on that, especially by creating more rest in my head in general, meditating for example (I’m even going to do a meditation-course in september, to learn more/better techniques). Although feeling pressured in a work/study-atmosphere is not nice, it is something I can work with, and I learn to deal with it  better and better over time.

I also have it in the relationship with the boyfriend, and there is it more difficult to get around it. Because of experiences of the past I am afraid to lose myself in a relationship. I used to give up my complete own life for my primary partner, and I found out that hard way that that is not the right way to go (there is a reason the asshole-ex is called the asshole-ex ;)). Now I am overly protective of my boundaries. For example, we planned on moving together in a year (summer 2010, when we would be together for 2 years), and therefore search for jobs in the same area. For the past weeks, that idea scared the hell out of me. I don’t know what I want in a year, I don’t know if I want to live together, I don’t know if I want to follow my boyfriend (since he’ll probably have a PhD-position before me, since he’ll start searching earlier). I felt pressured by the talks we had in the past about it, that we know should do this, that there was no other option left.

We worked this out of, course (he is just going to look for a PhD where-ever he likes, and then we’ll just see what we’ll do when the time comes), but it did cause me quite the stress and worry for a couple of days. Which is not good for me, but also not for our relationship. It seem like pressure (from relationship-shit)-> grumpy and distant me -> even more relationship-problem-shit. I did find out however, that meditation works out here too: it gets my mind more focussed, and me more relaxed in general (we had our “job and moving”-discussion after I had been alone for a while and had meditated a bit). The stress was not completely gone, but after actively trying to feel my (negative and sad) emotions, the pressure was suddenly gone. So here is certainly hope for improvement in the future.

The whole sex-issue is another point here. Although the boyfriend is extremely sweet and accepting that I don’t feel like sex (in the broad definition, including naked stroking and such), I still feel pressured. I feel like I should want sex, because that is what you want in a relationship, and more importantly, that is who I was: the person who always wanted sex.

And lately, I haven’t felt like sex at all. I get aroused, I like to have orgasms and even watch porn a bit (as long as it is girl-girl porn, of just women who have orgasms), but it’s a private thing. Sometimes I do fantasize about sex (while masturbating,I rarely “just fantasize), but I don’t feel like really doing it. And the pressure I create myself, although I try not to, doesn’t make this much easier. And I don’t feel like “just” meditation or actively processing feelings can help here. I am going to ask my sexologist about this of course (I’ll see her again in two weeks), but if anyone else has advise, I’d love to hear it!


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