Falling down the wave.

Yesterday I wanted to write something about that life is like a wave, but I couldn’t find the time and space in my mind. Yesterday I was still on top of the wave. Not the kind of on top which means that I was almost falling down and barely holding everything together, but really, steady, on top of my own wave. Today I’m almost drowning again.

Today a good friend of mine posted a report of a scene she had with her boyfriend with her as a submissive. She had felt extremely good about it, although it had been on the extreme side. Her report was eerily similar as what had happened with me and the Viking, the time I was raped (I first wrote “the time it went wrong” but I should call things by the name, even though that’s difficult). I wasn’t able to finish the report. My hand were shaking (and again when writing about this), I felt like rocking back and forth, which I only do when I’m feeling trapped and panicked, I felt like moving my hands/lower arms in an uncontrollable manner, which is also a sign of panic, the sadness (which had been away for a while, even when I meditated yesterday) exploded in my chest again.

It’s a few hours after reading the report, and I still don’t feel better. I think I made the wrong choice by starting to read a book about anorexia nervosa (which I had to do for the magazine I’m in the editorial board for) and continuing after discovering it was quite explicitly about incest as well. After reading almost all of the book (it was not a very good book, so I skipped the last 75 pages of the 300 the book consisted of), I went to the supermarket to get myself nice food. I found it extremely difficult to pick stuff, which is again a sign that I am not doing well. I cycled home, and just wrote this. (I got some nice high quality microwave meal with pasta, salmon, cream cheese and spinach, chocolate mouse and deep-frozen summer fruits)

Reading that report triggered me back to where I was a bit more than a year ago. On the one hand it might be good, because this might be the start of really healing. On the other hand: I won’t see my sexologist for another 4 weeks because I’m going to be at the boyfriends place for 2,5 weeks a week from now, so I don’t feel like I can do anything with these feelings.

And right now I just feel like I never want sex again, I never want bdsm again. Yes, I want the physical pain, masochist as I am, but I don’t want the power exchange. The power is mine, and I want to keep it. I never want to be abused again, raped again.And keeping all the power to myself, seems like the only way to get there.


3 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Do you know how big it is for you to write the word “rape?” You said that you kept referring to it as “that thing that went wrong.” I kept saying “sexual assault.” And then one day I said (to no one in particular), “Do you know what, motherfucker? You RAPED ME.” I don’t care if it started consensually, what orifice it was in, nothing. I said no and you didn’t listen, and that’s rape.

    You just typed those words. Even if that’s as far as you go for a while, you took a huge step. You put a word to actions. It wasn’t a “thing that went wrong.” It was RAPE and you just said it. I know it hurts. TRUST ME. I know it hurts. But just writing those words is a bigger step than you know.

    I’m making a piece for this thing called the survivor mural project. I don’t expect you to do one now, and I wouldn’t expect you to even do one at all, but I’m including the link because sending my piece in is like shutting a door on it for me. It’s like my slap in the face, and my way of saying that he didn’t defeat me.

    If you never do it, you’re still awesome. If you do, you’re just as awesome. I’m providing the link because it mattered to me and so maybe it will matter to you.


    You are amazing. And please remember that you are not alone. If you ever want to talk privately to someone that’s been there, please don’t hesitate to email. ❤

    • 2

      Nuclear Rainbow said,

      Thank you so much for this reply! Support like this, even when it’s “only” online, really helps.
      I checked out the link, and I might make something, if creativity strikes me (I’m not the most creative person around with other things than words). Again, Thank you!

      /Nuclear Rainbow

  2. 3

    […] &#183 Tagged life, food, friends, meditation, university, bisexuality I talked about the wave before. Right now, I’m on it. Quite stable, actually, although I almost fell of this […]

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