The “what’s my kink?” discovering phase all over again

I’ve been into bdsm for about 6 years now, and I always knew where my kinks lay, what I wanted, what I liked and disliked, what I wanted in my bdsm-relationship.  Most of the time quite specific, but at least approximate.

The past year that has changed. I developed a short interest in Daddydom and agepay, which was not very long-lived but quite intense. I started liking different kinds of pain: from preferring “thud” pain, to liking “sting” pain even more, in some situations. I did the whole capital-letters thing I always despised with someone (“to someone” might be a more accurate description), and now I am reluctant to do that again. Where I always had wanted a normal relationship with some D/s-ish elements, I now wanted something 24/7 like, and that opinion changed back again to only wanting bdsm “in the bedroom”.  And I realised that being used sexually was not healthy for me at the moment.

At this moment, I just don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t even know what I actually like, especially with the “forced” sex out of the window for the time being, if not for ever. That used to be one of my major kinks in bdsm: really being “taken” sexually, being “forced” to give blowjobs. It was play, but it also was submission in a very intense way: giving my body for the pleasure of the other, because that was my ultimate goal.

I do know I like to be spanked. That is something the boyfriend can do to me relatively easily, and we both really enjoy it. I also think I know I like rope bondage, also one of my major kinks “in the old days”, which I never was able to really get into, because of only having partners who were quite inexperienced with rope. One things that really attracts me at the moment is being wrapped in plastic foil. I have done it before, years and years ago, with the asshole ex, and I don’t remember much except that it was really cold after I was unfoiled again. In my mind it is something very cosy and warm and safe, and it makes me helpless and dependent. A very attractive thought. Any other things or acts, kinds of pain, whips, restrains, random bdsm scenario’s, I would not know if I would like them. Not at all. Regardless if I have done similar stuff before, it doesn’t seem I can trust in my past experiences in likes and dislikes.

So I have to do soulsearching again. And reading. And experimenting. Not bad of course, not bad at all, but I thought I was past that, and now it seems I have to do the whole discovering phase all over again…

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