Emptying my mind.

My mind was very filled the past week-and-a-half. Lots of talking with the boyfriend about our relationship, plans of moving out of the place where I live now, a weekend to a nice town abroad with my aunt, maybe losing my amazing sexologist; it occupied my mind too much to be able to coherently write about it.

But I’m back from abroad now, and my mind has some empty space left again, so there is room for writing.  I already summarized it in my last post: the boyfriend and I talked a lot about boundaries, and I told him all about my flirtations with a certain person that I still have to find a good blog-name for. Although we did not have very firm boundaries about flirting before, I did cross the line a bit, and the trust which is damaged should be regained again before we take another step on the polyamory road.

We also talked a lot about the power and power-exchange in our relationship. Because of my (sexual) issues, we rarely do bdsm-ish things, although we both want to discover that part of our relationship. For me it is quite difficult to submit to him, and for him it is difficult to know what he can and cannot do. He is a bit too careful, most of the time, although I can’t blame him for that. One of the reasons which make it more difficult for me to submit, is that I seem to have the most power in the vanilla part of our relationship. I usually have a large say in what we are going to do when we’re together,  what we’ll eat, where we’ll go, what movie we’ll watch; I plan everything. It’s usually quite implicit, it’s not that I really boss him around or something, but I seem to have more power than he does. That feels wrong, in some way, to both of us.

So, new stuff to work on. We both really want to D/s-part of our relationship to work, so he’ll try to take some more power in the little things in life, and  I’ll just continue working on healing my sexual side. I’m very happy I can do that with the sexologist I started that with, because I almost lost her due to the company she worked under going  bankrupt. I’ll now visit her in another town, about 45 minutes by train, but I don’t have to change therapists. Yay!

Also, I am going to move this week or the first week of july, since I am completely sick of my landlord and landlady and all their rule-bending and not listening to reason. Not listening at all actually, or only to the things they want to hear. It might be that blogging-silence will occur, the next few weeks, but moving (and going to a metal-festival) seems a valid reason for not writing 😉

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2 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    I find it interesting that you think that being dominant in the vanilla aspects of your relationship makes it harder for you to submit to him. For me, I usually am the dominant partner in all aspects other than sexually. Submitting to someone is a role reversal for me and allows me to relinquish the control and dominance that I usually have in my every day life.

  2. 2

    I think in my case it also has to do with a certain kind of trust. If I can trust in him to take care of the little things, I can also trust that he will take care of me in a scene.
    Just to be clear, I do not want him to take control of my life, I can do that very well myself, but stepping up a bit more, taking lead a bit more (in, for example, choice of movie, plan for the day, what to have for dinner when we’re together), that would do our relationship and our D/s a lot of good.

    /Nuclear Rainbow


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