Polyamory: the sequel.

There is liking going on. There is even mutual liking going on.

And that is complicated. And nice. And complicated. And nice. And mostly complicated, since I am still in a monogamous relationship.

The boyfriend and I spoke about polyamory before, and it was all very difficult and complicated. Yesterday-evening we spoke about it again. About that I had dreamed about kissing another guy, about that I had wanted to to that when I saw him, about his fears.

Because it scared him. He does not want to constrain me, not wanting to stop me from seeing the people that make me so happy, but on the other side he wants me to only want him. But I want more than him, and he can’t change that, although he would want to do that, secretly. After our phone talk, I fell quickly asleep, but he lay awake all night. Thinking, ruminating, worrying. And he wrote an e-mail, which he send me in the morning, after I’d woken up.

It almost made me cry, it was so sweet, so full of love, so honest. He loves me, and I love him; he never doubted that. But he feels left out, he feels like I am discovering my sexuality with others and not with him. That I’m sharing my happiness with others, and not with him. That I want to experience things with others, and not with him. Partly he is right there: I have been really happy around this group of new friends I have found the past months, and they give me loads of energy. The boyfriend gets more of the grumpy me.

And he also put down some boundaries. He wants me to be happy, to experience all the nice things that I feel I want so badly, but of course, there are limits. He wants us to solve our problems first, with which I whole-heartedly agree. I want things to work again, to fully enjoy sex with him again, because I know sex with the boyfriend is amazing; feeling that is only very difficult for me. He also wants to be my primary partner. I had wanted that too, I just never spoke that out loud, thinking that was obvious. He is the love of my life, the one I want to be with, to stay with, to live together with in the future. I want to have others (m/f) close to me, but not in the way that the boyfriend is close to me.

So we are quite on one line there, which is good. It is a huge step we’re taking, a huge trip we are going on, but I think it is going to be worth it. This “little” thing, this hope I can now have for the future, makes me feel so strong and powerful, makes me feel so loved and loving.

I think I am finally becoming me, and it feels amazing.

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