How pressure can block subby-ness.

He asked me to get the bag (with our/my bdsm-stuff in it) from behind the bed and to give him my collar. We had bought that thing (in a petshop, of course ;)) to use as a clarification of our roles. It is quite often difficult to get from equal boyfriend/girlfriend-roles into our Dominant/submissive-roles, and a clear start and ending of a scene might help us. Or so we thought.

There had been a tiny little bit of play that morning and the day before. Some spanking when we were making out, and some breathplay when he sat on the bed while I was still lying down. He had told me to shut my mouth, and reinforced that by putting his hand over my mouth, and when he saw my subby reaction, also over my nose… It lasted just a few minutes, with him controlling my breathing, but it was quite intense.

But I’m losing track of my story here. Getting the collar out was scary, and having him putting it on me even scarier. It scared me because it had been so long since we had “really” played, and even longer since I had last worn something collar-like. It also scared me because it felt like there was now something expected from me: with a collar I was the submissive, so I should act accordingly. Of course also of things that might go wrong, but that was more in the back of my mind, so not very conscious.

I had to lie down on my stomach and he started to stroke and scratch my back. I always really like that, and it is something that feels “safe” and not scary, so it made most of the fear go away. I had to remove my t-shirt; also something scary, since nakedness is sort-of an issue, as described in my last post. But I did it, and the world did not collapse, so I suppose taking a shirt of is not as scary as it seems. He continued scratching, now also using a metal thing that is usually used to cut unions. It was nice, but it did not make me feel subby at all, so I even started doubting my own submissiveness.

Then he wanted to spank me, so he asked me to take of my pants (not my panties), but I felt too uncomfortable for that. So he said he would start to spank me like this, and that he would ask me again to take them off after a little while. It never got to that. After some spanking I was still mostly wondering why I wasn’t subby and although the sensations were nice, why I was doing this again, if it did not give me the desired (subby-feeling) effect.

So I asked him to stop, and he took my collar off. I cuddled up against him (he was sitting, I was laying with my head in his lap) and we spoke about our “scene”. It turned out that he had not been feeling that dominant himself, probably for the same reason I had not felt submissive:  there had been that pressure we created in ourself for ourself to act our “roles”. I felt wat more submissive just lying in his lap like that, with him stroking my head, than I had felt during the whole scene. It was the same for his feelings of dominance.

So, maybe the collar-plan was not such a good idea after all. The spanking and the breathplay “just happened”, and on the phone I sometimes get triggered to be subby (and his dominance gets triggered sometimes too), without things being very explicit. I’m starting to fantasize more, and to actively wanting bdsm more, so I suppose we’ll get on the right track without clear markers, but with “just” following our feelings. And I’m not doubting my submissiveness anymore, by the way, that stopped when the my collar went off.

1 Response so far »

  1. 1

    Maybe it was too much, too soon, doll. Keep on keeping on, you’re making progress little my little.

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