BDSM and the boyfriend and me

I completely forgot to mention that the boyfriend and I threw out the orgasm-rule (I had to ask permission before every orgasm, also when we were not together) because it did not feel completely right any more, since there was nothing sexual going between us besides that rule. I have been quite content with this. Not that my sexual habits have changed, I still masturbate almost every evening with one or two orgasms (I have been planning a post solely dedicated to masturbation somewhere this or next week, so be patient), but I feel more free. I could now also have orgasms during the day, or in the shower, which I felt very reluctant to ask for, while the urge was there sometimes. Although the boyfriend misses it, I still feel it’s better like it is now, at this moment. I do think we should get this rule back in the future, one way or another, because “giving away my orgasm” or at least my control over it, has always been something I enjoyed in bdsm.

Bdsm is a topic I touched only lightly in this blog, except for the one assignment I had to do. I do not feel like giving a complete overview here, but I’ll promise one for later. For now it’s sufficient to know that I’ve been practising bdsm actively for 6 years now, while the boyfriend is still relatively new to all of this. He knew he had a dominant side for years, but his ex-girlfriend was pretty vanilla, so he wasn’t able to give space to that side of him.

Our start together in what we wanted to be the D/s-part of our relationship was really nice, and almost too good to be true. Which showed soon after, when I started to have problems with trust and sexuality (which had already been laying under the surface), and he became afraid of doing something wrong which could hurt or damage me in the wrong way. We can now see how things went downwards from there, but it seems quite difficult to stop it. We try to get back on track, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. The one assignment I got was really nice, and I would like to get more, but he lacks ideas that he feels confident enough about to demand of me. And I am not always as receptive of his plans as I should. I tend to react quite negative at first, at whatever he wants on a bdsm-level. I don’t know exactly why, probably because I then feel called upon to suddenly be submissive, and because of the trust-issue and an easy fear of  things, makes “no” a first reaction. This combined with his insecurity about his dominance and what he can and cannot do, has led to no real play in months.

Anyway, thee past few days have been a lot better. He seems more confident on the phone when he sends me off to bed (we have this rule-like-thing that he initiates the end of the phone-call in the evening, and that he can send me off to sleep), and I actually listen now. In the weeks before I usually checked some  fora and e-mail before I went to bed, without asking him if that was okay. It feels better this way, although a little part of me is scared.

Not of his dominance, but of the thought that this might feel as too much of an effort for him, maybe too much of a role instead of really himself, while I extremely like this feeling of having someone secure and confident watching over me and taking care of me…

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: