Breakthrough 2

Fear seems to be the theme of this week: it was also the main topic I talked about with my psychologist today. To be more precise: my fear when riding in a car (not driving myself, since I don’t have a license, but sitting next to the driver) and when having to cross a train-crossing. We did some exercise where I had to sit and focus on a specific event (in this case, the time where crossed a train-crossing, and just when I passed it the lights went on, the ringing sounds started, the barriers were almost coming down, and in the distance I could see the train coming already: scary as hell), and then focus on the (physical) feelings it gave me.

Afterwards she also asked me when I had had that feeling (the intense-fear kind of feeling I got from the though of the train-crossing) for the first time. The image that came to mind was the one after my foot had been caught in the spokes of my mothers bike, which happened when I was 5 years old. Apparently (logically) this had really scared me: something that had always been very safe (sitting behind my mother on her bike) was now suddenly something dangerous.

This fear that now presents itself in situations that could become dangerous, is this old fear that stable things can suddenly be overturned into something unstable. Like when my parents broke up when I was 2. Like when I had to move and change schools at age 7. Like when I got a new brother when I was 8. Like when my sister died when I was 17. I used to be afraid of people leaving me, one way or another, but now I am more scared of situations going out of control.

We are going to work with this a bit more, so I got some sort of “homework” again: keepin track a bit of when and where I feel fear and how it feels.

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