Breakthrough 1

The visit to the sexologist this week was quite fruitful. We mainly spoke  about the fact that I don’t feel disgusted by sex but that it mainly scares me, and that this now starts to influence the intimacy between me and the boyfriend, of which I spoke in my last post. (I felt much better the day after, by the way, just had no time to post)

We are now going to try something, something that the boyfriend had alrfeady proposed, but which I had rejected because it felt too “therapeutic” to do with a boyfriend, and also because it scared me. the boyfriend is going to touch me, very simple, just a hand somewhere, my back, my arm, my stomach. He is just going to keep it there, without moving, stroking or anything else. And I am just going to feel the feeling of him touching me, feeling it’s not a bad thing, feeling it’s safe, feeling it’s nice. Because rationally I know that of course, but emotionally it’s a different story.

We also spoke about that I mainly fantasize about girls nowadays, and about that I want a girlfriend, in time; a longing I spoke about here. She acknowledged that this does complicate things a bit. The most amazing bit of talk followed:

She: “You have to become who you really are.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

She: “You are  not monogamous.”

Well, I’m still struggling with that one, don’t start labelling me yet 😄 (although I am slowly starting to think and accept that mono is not my label any more) She also proposed that maybe the boyfriend and me could switch roles sometimes, me tying him down, because that might decrease fear as well. Don’t think that is going to happen though 😉

It was a really nice session, things seem to be more clear now (at least to me), and we have a Plan. And plans give clarity and something to hold on to, and that’s a good thing for our relationship right now.

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