Two steps forward, one step back

Something else quite remarkable also happened last night. At a forum about bdsm where I post regularly, someone had posted a report about a scene. It was a nice report, a very nice one, and there was even some sex-like-stuff going on.

And I read it without feeling fear, I discovered after I had finished. That is one step in the right direction.

This morning I felt a bit sexual, and tried fantasizing about certain explicit sex-acts, and the fear came up again. It is not disgust I feel with sexual stuff, it is fear, I realised. Fear of closeness and of being hurt, I suppose. Fear of boundaries being crossed.  And fear makes me hide inside myself, it makes that I get closed and empty. Fear is damn large and scary.


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