Poly-bashing poly in denial

I have love-hate relationship with polyamory.

About three years ago, when I became active at bdsm-internet-fora, I also came in contact with polyamory. I did not now how to deal with it. The concept felt really change. How could people overcome all that jealousy? I had been quite the jealous type, in the years before that.

But ideas change overtime. I had a D/s-relationship of nine months, with someone who was not the monogamous-type. Our relationship was, but with the side-note that if he would want things with other women again, it could be discussed. I became a member of a forum on polyamory to learn more about how all those weird poly-people “did” their relationships. The D/s ended when I realised more and more I wanted a “complete” relationship, love and bdsm in 1, and he fell in love with another women.

In the year that followed, I had several flings; some of them in the same time-frame, approximately, and although that felt extremely complicated and difficult at times, it also felt really freeing and happiness-creating. Sometimes I loved the idea of polyamory, and sometimes I hated it intensely. When I met the boyfriend, I has just started “something” with my first girlfriend. The feelings for him were so intense that someone next too him was too much, and her and me brokeĀ  up. I decided I was monogamous, but kept in touch with the poly-forum I had been a regular-visitor and seldom-poster.

But am I? When I was feeling extremely well a few weeks ago, the longing for a girlfriend next to the relationship with the boyfriend came into existence again. I told him, with all colors and feelings. This was the reason that lead to the fight I spoke about a little while ago. Because I don’t want someone just to have sex with, I want a friend who is more than just a friend. And I’m getting more and more comfortable with him doing stuff with other women; I even encourage the idea somewhat, although it also scares the hell out of me.

The boyfriend does not want this yet, cannot handle this yet. My problems with sex, and the resulting problems with our relationship are our first priority. He decides the pace: how, what, when, where. Even “who” is negotiable. Around summer we’ll talk about it again.

I hope my problems will be mostly in the past.

I hope that he has gotten used to the idea.

I hope that I have grown.


2 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    […] about girls nowadays, and about that I want a girlfriend, in time; a longing I spoke about here. She acknowledged that this does complicate things a bit. The most amazing bit of talk […]

  2. 2

    […] boyfriend and I spoke about polyamory before, and it was all very difficult and complicated. Yesterday-evening we spoke about it again. […]

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