How sex can start to feel revolting

Sex is stupid and not nice, and I do not ever want to do it again.

Or at least, that is how some part of me feels like lately. A quite large part, actually. I cannot fantasize about intercourse, giving blowjobs or even my breasts being touched; it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and sad and disgusted even.

This has not always been the case. Since I became sexually active at age 16 (with others, I might add, I have been masturbating since age 12), I always loved sex and couldn’t get enough of it. I had a higher libido than most men. That all changed 2 years ago. I was together with a guy I will hencefort call Viking, and I was dealing with a lot of issues. Issues make you tired, and the killed my libido. The fact our relationship wasn’t very good, and I was mainly staying with him because I didn’t want to hurt him did not work either.

One night it went terribly wrong. He wanted sex, and I didn’t. He had been stroking and scratching my back for a while, and we had just had a talk about the bdsm-part of our relationship and that I should try to be less resisting when he tried something, because that stopped him from doing anything at all. So I was getting subby and I was really tired. NOT a good combination, I might add. He fucked me, and I was not able to stop him, because I was too far away to mention a safeword or anything like that. We broke up a few weeks later. It also made me realise my boundaries had been crossed before in a few short sexual encounters and in a relationship with someone I now refer to as “the asshole-ex”.

After that, it took me weeks before I masturbated again (where I used to do that daily), even more weeks before I could entertain the thought again of kissing someone. I did fool around a bit after that, but nothing serious. Only after four months I tried having intercourse again, and even after that I often had feelings like the ones described at the start of my post.

When I met the boyfriend, it took me a little while to get used to him, but after that everything was. Touching, licking, stroking, fucking, everything. But after a few months, it went downhill again. The feelings of not wanting sex returned. I’m now close to where I was just after “the bad thing” happened, not wanting sex, almost not wanting touch.

With my sexologist I am going to do the old fashioned talking therapy to overcome the traumas of my past. I really hopes it will help, and that it will start to get better soon. This is not me. Me is the person who loves sex and everything surrounding it. Me is not this prude, scared girl, who does not know what to do when her boyfriend wants as much as a French kiss.

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