If you have read my last post, you know I am very busy with the free/restricted dichotomy. This also extended itself to my relationship. I wanted more freedom! Sex with women, but mostly sex with men! Because that was the one thing that I could not do, and that was very difficult for me.
It was a boundary from the boyfriend, and a boundary I did follow, but one that even after a few months did not feel right to me. Especially after I realised more and more that if I would start a new relationship right now, I would never consent to monogamy. I don’t want to discriminate between who I like and might want to be intimate on the base of sex or gender: I want to do that on the base of who I like and/or find attractive or not.
Besides wanting to feel freedom, there was also something else connected to the “sex with other men”-thing. The boyfriend and I have not had sex (as in ‘fucking’) since January 2009. Yes, that means we did not have sex for 16 months now. We ware progressing, but we’re moving very slow, especially when you count in the fact that my libido has quote returned since a couple of weeks. There is still much fear left, but also lots of habit. I reasoned that with someone else, someone I trust and probably had slept with before, that would be easier to break through. Also, when it did not go well, it would not immediately have an impact on the relationship between the boyfriend and me, but if the experience was positive it would probably be easier to cross that boundary with the boyfriend as well.
The boyfriend had a different reasoning, which is also part of him having problems with me having sex with other men. He feels that when I have sex with someone else, sex will become something I do with others and not with him, and thus make it more difficult to have sex with him again. The complete opposite of my reasoning, as you can see.
I wanted a deadline. I don’t want to be in a gender-monogamous relationship, nor do I want to go over the boyfriend’s boundaries, since he is very important to me. There was clearly a problem there. So we got ourselves a deadline for when we go over from ‘his plan’ to ‘my plan’ (after thorough discussion of course, which might lead to a completely different plan altogether) really was necessary for me to feel some space ans calm of mind again. It is set at august 2010. Now I know when I can (sort of) expect things to change. And until then we are going to try even harder to get everything sexual to work between us again.
I want a rhythm in my days.
I always was the one in the relationship with the boyfriend that wanted to date others. He always found that idea more difficult, because of some deeply ingrained idea of cheating, and because of uncertainties on how to go about hitting on someone. However, suddenly there is quite a chance that the boyfriend will go on a date somewhere in the coming weeks.
The afterparty of a big meeting of a group of poly people. The people who keep lingering are not just poly, but also into bdsm. You bind my wrists together, to see what effect is has on me, since I mentioned that ‘just a little rope makes me go fuzzy’. The discovery that you can now take me around the room with me just following, seems to be very exciting to you. You bind me to the fridge in the corner of the room, to the bicycle pump, to a pot of milk on the stove. I have to kneel, to sit straight, which is remarkably difficult if the situation is so absurd and unexpected that I can only get into steeps of laughter.
The box, yes the box. In which I end up with my head and shoulders, on my hand and knees, with my butt sticking out. Very elegant. With an icecube on the bare piece of my back. You make me guess what it is, and I name every kind of food that could possibly have come from the fridge of a vegetarian. I try not to think too much about the position I am in. There are four other people in the room besides us, and although I see two of those as friends, and the other two seem nice enough as well, this is a humiliating position. Although this would probably have induced the same feelings if we would have been just the two of us. I’m not sure if you shove the embarrassment in my face a bit more, but it would have fit the pattern.
